Kerry threatens Putin with Ketchup

Last week Secretary of State John Kerry warned of serious consequences for Russia if the Putin regime did not change its position on the crisis in Ukraine by Monday. With the deadline upon us we have learned what the repercussions will be: Ketchup!

A spokesman for Kerry reported that, while enjoying a cheeseburger with his wife Teresa, heir to the Heinz Ketchup fortune, Kerry came up with the plan to institute a ketchup embargo against Russia if the Russian government did not meet the Monday deadline.Kerry_ketchup

“Everyone loves ketchup, especially children and horror filmmakers,” explained Secretary of State Communications Director Jen Psaki. “We are confident that the deprivation of this valuable condiment will bring Mr. Putin and his government to their knees.”

Reports are sketchy at this time, but indications are that the Obama administration is relishing the thought of even further prohibitions to include additional Heinz products. Steak and hot sauce, as well mustard and tartar sauce are being considered as part of the condiment embargo. As rumors of Kerry’s threat began to surface, Heinz stock took a 32 percent hit, while at the same time Hunt’s brand climbed 28 percent.

A request for comment was conveyed to the Russian embassy, but they were out to lunch at a local Burger King. We have confirmation, however, that the threat is indeed a whopper and is not being taken lightly. The manager at the establishment did tell Schmuck Weekly that all members of the embassy staff requested extra ketchup packets with their fries, Heinz sight being 20/20.

Press furious, blame Obama for their skyrocketing health care costs

Screams of rage could be heard along Lexington Avenue. Cursing was the predominant sound along 8th. Such verbal abuse and colorful language may be commonplace in New York City, but amongst the elitist newsmen – the beautiful people – the best Manhattan has to offer sounded like football fans at a Bears/Packers game on this cold October day. The New York press corps had  just received their health insurance notices.

ObamacomputerThe first reports of concern surfaced via Twitter outside the New York Times building.

“Sounds like a horse is being tortured inside NYT building. Chair slammed against window. #wellbeingcheck #needadrink” – @alecbaldwin

“I think I hear @NYTimesDowd getting a Brazilian. Lambs being slaughtered inside NYT building. #nosugardrinks #hatefatpeople” – @mayormike

Democrats and anti-Israel activists were relieved to learn everyone was safe and unharmed inside the NYT offices when journalists began tweeting the cause of their terror.

“WTF Obama! My premiums just shot up higher than the national debt. What is a 6K deductible? #obamacaresux #needahug” – @pkrugman

“Botox not covered. Premiums higher than me on Thursdays. May have to start shopping at Sears.  #needadrink #teapartyright” – @nygail

Similar cries were evident on social media outside the offices of Bloomberg News and the New York bureau of the Boston Globe.

“Haven’t heard cursing in Yiddish that profane since before Uncle Nate died. Anger inside Bloomberg News offices. #workplaceviolence #asianhappyending” – @larrydavis

“Sounds like a Kennedy ran out of whiskey inside the @bostonglobe building. #call911” – @carlosdanger

Schmuck Weekly was able to obtain comment that confirmed the Obamacare reality that struck the journalism world on Thursday.

“We have been promoting this program as heaven sent, the cure for the nation’s ills,” said New York Times columnist Paul Dowd. “But my premium shot up so much my children may have to attend public school – with minorities.”

Schmuck Weekly will continue tracking the developing Obamacare nightmare that is ravaging the journalism community. We will notify our readers if any children of these media elitists will become classmates of your kids.  For the latest on home-schooling laws in your state, keep it here or follow us @SchmuckWeekly.

Obamacare offers free dental insurance to hockey players

A recent review of the Affordable Care Act conducted by Schmuck Weekly interns reveals a program geared toward hockey players that could bankrupt the nation.

Somewhere between pages 9861 and 10,312 of the regulations, Obamacare offers hockey players of all ages the option of free dental care. Unfortunately for current and future NHL stars, athletes opting for this coverage are required to sign up for the program on the ACA website, which is reportedly working as well as gun control in Chicago. But if the president honors his pledge to fix the website by the end of November (stop laughing), the number of individuals in need of major dental work who are predicted to sign up and receive taxpayer-funded dental implants, bridges and nitrous oxide treatments for depression associated with sucking at hockey, could render the program impotent, coincidentally like hockey players who play without a cup.Hockey Teeth

A look at major contributors to the Obama 2008 and 2012 presidential campaigns reveals that top fashion designers and modeling agencies bundled millions of dollars for the president and they are not hiding from the payback they are receiving.

“Hockey players are so fit and trim, with gorgeous bulging muscles. But their teeth are atrocious,” said fashion designer Phat (Bil-ee). “Now they will have beautiful mouths and we can tap these players to serve as models in our catalogs and on the catwalk – on the catwalk.”

Schmuck Weekly is seeking a response from the White House, but all emails have been bounced back due to inoperable internet communications.

Michelle Obama uses military drones for vacation planning

Plagued by more scandals than an Illinois governor, the Obama administration finds itself confronted with news reports that the U.S. military drone program is being used by First Lady Michelle Obama to scout vacation spots for the First Family.

First Lady questioned about misuse of Drone program

First Lady questioned about misuse of Drone program

Emails and documents leaked to Schmuck Weekly by anonymous Pentagon sources reveal that the nation’s controversial drone program to hunt down terrorists on foreign soil may have been greatly exaggerated and in fact is mostly used to provide aerial photographs of resorts, beaches and cabana boys for Mrs. Obama.

“My colleagues and I became suspicious when mission orders consisted of drone patrols over Hawaii, Jamaica and the French Rivera,” said ground pilot Billy Bradshaw. “We were ordered to take images of beach front property, hedonism resorts and the physical attributes of the locals.”

According to Bradshaw, surveillance footage was then sent by inner-office mail to FLOTUS Chief of Staff Tina Tchen. Ms. Tchen was unavailable for comment as she is currently in the Bahamas conducting “research” for the First Lady.

A Pentagon official who asked not to be identified is claiming the drone program is managed by the First Lady’s office and has not been used for military activity since September 2009.

“President Obama’s tough talk about his bad ass drone attacks is just that – talk,” noted the Pentagon official. “The only time a deadly device has been launched from one of our unmanned aerial vehicles is when he sent Attorney General Eric Holder down to Mexico to pick up some quality shit (marijuana) in exchange for some guns.”

The official continued, “Apparently a rival cartel was angry that the president stopped getting his stash from them, so they attempted to hijack our truck and shots were exchanged, with American weapons from a previous deal, and eventually a drone was called in to protect the pot.”  The official went on to explain that the president switched his source at the behest of the AFL-CIO Joint Task Force, United Marijuana Farm workers Union because the former source was a right-to-work cartel.

Schmuck Weekly asked White House Press Secretary Jay Carney about these claims. He ran away from our reporter, screaming repeatedly, “I know nothing!”

Asked to comment before this article was published, Mrs. Obama questioned our priorities and patriotism, generally lambasting our investigation as a Zionist conspiracy in retaliation for the Israeli resort city of Eilat being excluded from the list of recommended vacation sites.

“Why do you care if I’m using drones to check out packages, I mean vacation spots? Haven’t you guys heard about Barack and Eric abusing their power? IRS, Benghazi, Associated Press, Manti Te’o’s girlfriend. They orchestrated all of that,” she explained. “Why don’t you guys take down my husband so I can leave this town? Don’t you think I need a vacation? I haven’t had one in almost a month.”

James Carney caught in airport bathroom with Sgt. Schultz

Baltimore – Mired in multiple scandals, the Obama administration suffered yet another blow Tuesday afternoon when the Associated Press reported that White House press secretary James Carney was caught receiving media advice in an airport men’s room from world renowned incompetent Sgt. Hans Schultz.

AP reporter Reggie Goldstein was transferring planes at Baltimore–Washington International Airport when he noticed Carney entering a men’s room. Knowing that his bosses are still trying to get answers from the White House about the federal government’s seizure of AP phone records, Goldstein followed Carney into the men’s room, only to encounter Carney and Schultz embracing and going into a stall. Naturally assuming homosexual activity, Goldstein made his way to the exit, when he began to hear conversation.

James Carney receiving press advice from Sgt. Schultz

James Carney receiving press advice from Sgt. Schultz

“Carney was obviously crying – hysterically – begging Schultz to tell him what to say,” explained Goldstein. “The press secretary whined to Schultz that ‘the press wasn’t supposed to ask real questions and do real investigative journalism. They love Barack!  They kiss my ass!  We are supposed to govern free of accountability! Doesn’t everyone get their news from the Daily Show?’ ”

Goldstein told Schmuck Weekly that before Schultz could speak, Carney rambled on about   various options in order to evade the truth.

“We can blame Bush! Oh wait, better yet, we can blame Cheney for Benghazi,” exclaimed   Carney. “Maybe we can change the timeline and convince everyone the attack occurred on September 11, 2008 instead of 2012. I wonder if we can get the American people to believe that Bush and Cheney worked with Al Qaeda to orchestrate the attack. I’m sure we can photo-shop a picture of Bush setting the compound on fire. MSNBC will certainly get that image out to their 27 viewers.”

The AP reporter said he sat outside the stall, wishing these guys would start sending gay signals by tapping their feet, but no such luck. “I continued to listen to the mouthpiece of the President plot to deceive the public and bounce ideas of a fictional television character that passed away thirty years ago,” said Goldstein.

The most surprising development from the toilet talk was Carney’s admission that after 5:00 PM Washington time on September 11, Obama was not playing basketball, ignoring the Benghazi developments, as claimed by conservative pundits.

“He was with me playing Super Mario Brothers on an old Nintendo game system we found in the White House attic that used to belong to Bill Clinton.”

The one-sided conversation between Carney and Schultz finally turned silent, with the press secretary imploring Schultz to tell him what he should say, in what sounded like a “whimpering whisper.”

At that moment, Schultz bellowed, “I know nothing!”

Human Race officially declares Al Gore full of sh*t

London – World leaders gathered in London over the weekend to attend the Human Race Project international convention.  Representatives from 96 countries discussed a variety of topics including world implementation of the Cyprus economic model, advantages of unconditional surrender to North Korea, and blaming Jews for Islamic terror. Also on the agenda was a resolution submitted by Scandinavian nations declaring that global warming alarmist and schmuck extraordinaire who couldn’t win his home state in a presidential election, Al Gore, be “officially declared full of shit.”

 “We have been waiting and wanting this so-called “global warming” or “climate change” for decades,” said Sweden’s Gunnar Breinholst. “It is, as you say in America, ‘fucking cold’ outside and it’s getting colder. I bought a swimsuit in 2003 because Al Gore said the planet was getting warmer. I still haven’t worn it. That mammaknullare is a rövhål and he owes me $17.95 for my trunks. ”

To the surprise of the attendees, the United States did not object to the resolution. The U.S. contingent, led by former President Bill Clinton, took matters a step further when it asked Clinton to co-sponsor the resolution.

Al Gore learns the Human Race has officially declared him "full of shit."

Al Gore learns the Human Race has officially declared him “full of shit.”

“Global warming is a pussy, I mean Ponzi scheme.  It’s May and it’s snowing in Arkansas. Al was full shit when I first met him over twenty years ago and today he is still full of shit,” said Clinton. “To be honest, I’d welcome some global warming. Be nice not to go to a baseball game in Chicago or Cincinnati in April or May without a winter coat and a flask of whiskey to keep me warm.”

Gore was not immediately available for comment as his private jet was grounded during a refueling stop in Des Moines, Iowa. He was on his way to a global warming conference in Amsterdam, but was unable to get off the ground due to a blizzard.

Just prior to publication of this piece, Schmuck Weekly received a call from the environmentalist guru.

“I categorically deny being full of shit. As soon as the blizzard passes and my private jet can be cleared for take-off, I will fly to London to defend myself,” said Gore. “The world doesn’t understand that if we don’t start following my environmental recommendations, my carbon credit business scheme will fall apart. Do you know what my monthly payments are to Tipper? Do you know how much it costs to feed her?”

On Monday morning, Gore was finally able to leave Iowa.  But as his plane was fueling up, the Human Race Project world body reconvened to officially declare, “Albert Gore is full of shit.”

Schmuck Weekly hopes to get additional comment from the green energy pimp once his plane lands in Qatar for refueling. Gore frequently lands his aircraft in the oil rich nation as he receives a lifetime of free oil as stipulated in section F, paragraph U of his agreement with the OPEC nation regarding his sale of Current TV to Al Jazeera. 

Please refer to the Schmucktionary for translation of Swedish terminology cited in the second paragraph. Children should not be present.

Reader Poll: Who’s more Schmuckworthy: Sheila Jackson Lee or her constituency?

Do Americans get the government they deserve? It’s hard to argue that we don’t, since the citizenry often votes for the incompetent and corrupt, election after election. You’ve heard of Illinois and California, right?

Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-TX) pauses to find an intelligent thought. Comes up empty.

Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-TX) pauses to find an intelligent thought. Comes up empty.

Yesterday it was revealed that the shame and pain of Texas, Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-18), went on a whirlwind trip in February that cost you and me $23,646. The ten-term incumbent, who has never been reelected without at least 70 percent of the vote, is notorious for her extensive jet setting and eyewitness accounts of her elitist condescension toward plane crews and passengers.

But is it Lee’s fault that John Q. Public got stuck with an exorbitant travel bill? Or are her constituents to blame for sending her back to Washington every two years?

Make your case in the Comment section and vote in our exclusive online reader poll.

Who is a bigger schmuck?

View Results

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Illinois Democrats abandon state in the middle of the night

Springfield – Nothing good happens in Springfield, Illinois at two o’clock in the morning.  Then again, nothing good happens at two o’clock in the afternoon either. But why is this night different from all other nights?  The usual sounds of gunfire and screaming crack-addicts were accompanied by the roar of diesel engines and screeching of brakes. Democratic legislators have packed up their offices, loaded up moving vans and kissed their mistresses good-bye. The time to abandon (literally) the state they spent decades destroying had finally come.

As 2013 began, Illinois had a growing $130 billion pension deficit and nearly $9 billion in unpaid bills.  Fearing reprisals from public employee unions and owners of liquor stores in economically deprived neighborhoods, Democratic leaders, under orders from Speaker (Sith Lord) Michael Madigan, decided it was best to ignore the fiscal crisis. Don’t worry, Mr. and Ms. union worker and business owner – you’ll get the money promised and owed to you (insert evil laugh here).

Denial and deception being the motto of Springfield, Madigan and his puppets concentrated on legalizing medical marijuana, same-sex marriage and driver’s licenses for illegal immigrants. Before packing up, the legislature approved borrowing $2 billion at an interest rate usually reserved for patrons of loan sharks and Greece.

Sith Lord Michael Madigan and his mentally challenged puppet Patrick

Sith Lord Michael Madigan and his mentally challenged puppet Patrick

But just like the gambler who realizes the knock at the door is Vito with a crowbar, the time to skip town under the cover of night is now. Democrats are on the run.

From an undisclosed location, State Rep. Barbara Flynn Currie told Schmuck Weekly, “I’ve been screwing over the people of Illinois for nearly 35 years. I’ve stood with his holiness, Emperor Madigan, passing tax-hike after tax-hike and making promises to unions that we knew we could never keep. Those schmucks have kept us in power for decades and I guarantee you they will continue to do so in 2014, even if we are holding session somewhere west of the Mississippi River.”

Governor Pat Quinn was enjoying his daily play session at Legoland and was unavailable for comment. State Senate President John Cullerton’s office declined to speak to Schmuck Weekly and is rumored to be making arrangements to rendezvous with the Democratic Empire in Branson, Missouri next week for a taxpayer-funded conference at Dolly Parton’s Dixie Stampede.

When called for comment, Republican minority leader Tom Cross admitted he was unaware of majority party travel plans.

“We don’t matter. We have no power or say-so in the affairs of Illinois,” said Cross. “But leave it to Emperor Mike (Madigan) to find a way to make the GOP even less relevant.”

Cross continued, “They don’t need us for quorum, so they can hold session in an Arkansas bowling alley if they want. I wish I were invited to the party, but that only happens if they need me to sign on to legislation detrimental to Illinois families, so it looks like a bipartisan whacking.”

Business and local government leaders have sent a letter to Attorney General Lisa Madigan (daughter and apprentice of the Emperor) demanding she take legal action to bring back the Democratic legislature.

“My office doesn’t investigate or take legal action against Illinois Democrats, especially those from Cook County,” said Ms. Madigan. “I’m sure this is all part of my daddy’s plan to make me governor next year. At that time I will unveil my economic blueprint to make Illinois solvent by the year 2112.”

It is unknown where the Democratic truck convoy will ultimately end up. Sources tell Schmuck Weekly that Madigan himself is traveling in a vehicle disguised as a Marshall Tucker Band tour truck. Limited-government advocacy groups are applauding the Democrats’ decision to get out of Dodge.

“It’s not like they had any intention of making Illinois whole again,” said Richard Goldstein, President of Why Does Illinois Suck Project. “The only hope Illinois residents have is moving to a state that isn’t Illinois or getting the bums out of Springfield. It appears one of the options has come to fruition.”

President Carter angry over Tsarnaev medical care

Former President Jimmy Carter is publicly condemning the treatment of alleged Boston bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. The 39th occupant of the Oval Office is displeased that Tsarnaev, a Muslim, is being detained at a Jewish hospital that has the word “Israel” in its name.

 “It’s a shame that a Muslim is being forced to receive medical care by some of the finest Jewish doctors in the world,” said Carter. “It’s inhumane that Dzhokhar has to recover in a building associated with Israel.  Fortunately, however, he will not be forced to leave a tip since he has already been circumcised.”  The alleged terrorist is recovering at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston. The alleged hotbed of Zionist hostilities serves as the main teaching facility for the Harvard Medical School. Numerous Progressive organizations and Hollywood activists are joining Mr. Carter in their call to have Tsarnaev rescued from arguably the finest hospital in the United States. 

Alarmed by Tsarnaev’s request to speak to a rabbi, the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) has filed an injunction against the hospital to prevent Tsarnaev from receiving any further transfusions of Jewish blood.

“The superior medical care Dzhokhar is receiving serves as another example of the United States doing Israel’s dirty work,” said Code Pink spokesperson Ima Betch. “We will not sit idly by as this young man is shamed by the fact that his life is being saved by Jewish doctors and the Zionist money that funds this despicable life-saving institution.”

Former President Jimmy Carter is the inspiration for Schmuck Weekly.

Former President Jimmy Carter is the inspiration for Schmuck Weekly.

Carter and Code Pink were joined at a press conference by U.S. Representatives Keith Ellison (MN) and Sheila Jackson Lee (TX), who recently co-sponsored the pending backpack registry legislation. Also joining the list of schmucks was Hollywood director and buffet aficionado Michael Moore, as well as Venezuela’s newest citizens, Danny Glover and Sean Penn.

Carter addressed the press conference accompanied by representatives from MSNBC, New York Times, Al Jazeera and Alex Jones.

“Israel’s apartheid has made its way to the United States,” Carter told a crowd of six. “It’s bad enough the Jewish state offers the finest medical care in the world to Palestinians and Arab Israelis. Now they have infiltrated our medical institutions – bringing the same humanitarian ideals to hospitals managed and financed by Jews.”

Carter continued, “Today, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev owes his life to a Jewish medical institution. The shame he will live with is unbearable. Federal authorities should have been courteous enough to find a Saudi or Pakistani doctor to treat Dzhokhar at a facility that didn’t have a mezuzah on every doorpost or a Star of David over each bed. The world is watching, and what they see is a nation conspiring with Israel to offer the finest medical care to our enemies. For shame!

Backpack registry legislation proposed

In the wake of the Boston Marathon attacks, elected officials are scrambling to come up with a knee-jerk reaction that will make no one safer, cause great inconvenience, and expand government bureaucracy.

Texas Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee and Illinois Rep. Jan Schakowsky are proposing legislation that will create a national backpack registry to help prevent another Boston tragedy and to enhance their image as being complete idiots.

Sheila Jackson-Lee pauses to find an intelligent thought. Comes up empty.

Sheila Jackson-Lee pauses to find an intelligent thought. Comes up empty.

“Stop blaming the terrorists,” proclaimed Lee. “We are a society that allows backpacks to get into the hands of criminals. Backpack laws are non-existent. We permit children to buy backpacks and allow them to bring them into schools. Do you really think they intend to put books in those bags?”

The proposal creates a national backpack registry that will track sales of all carriers that have a harness. Purchasers must be at least 21 years of age and will be required to register with the state by obtaining a carrier registration approval permit (CRAP). The CRAP card must be presented upon purchasing a harness-style carrier, followed by a five-day waiting period during which time the government will run your CRAP.  Upon approval, the purchaser may take possession.

“Evil lurks inside these bags of destruction,” said Schakowsky. “We are also proposing that the carriers be limited in size. Why do people need bags that can carry more than a laptop computer or a small poodle? It’s not like people carry food, water, sleeping bags and tents in backpacks anymore.”

While the bill does have its critics, many began stabbing themselves in the eye when they learned of the proposal; it is also gaining momentum in Progressive circles.

“This proposal is fabulous,” remarked Rep. Barney Frank (MA). “Let’s face it, people are cruel and stupid. We need a bigger and more intrusive government to protect us from ourselves. I don’t even trust me. I don’t know where I’ve been.”

The legislation if approved would forbid all backpacks from entering schools, being present on college campuses.

“I can’t think of a more imminent threat to education than a backpack,” said Schakowsky. “Once we cure society of this menace, we will establish a congressional oversight committee to study weapons-grade crockpots and pressure cookers.”