Archive for February 28, 2013

Who’d Figure: Bob Woodward exposing White House lies

Two Presidents who are not fond of Bob Woodward.

Two Presidents who are not fond of Bob Woodward.

Crazy right-wing “journalist” Bob Woodward is at it again. The Washington Post reporter who,  with the help of some Jewish guy whose name escapes me, took down the Nixon administration nearly forty years ago, is using his conservative agenda to embarrass President Barack Obama.

Woodward has been on the forefront of clarifying that the sequestration idea came from the White House, that the president personally approved the plan and later signed it into law. The veteran Washington Post reporter is resorting to a ploy that many of today’s journalists aren’t familiar with – facts.

“Of course Bob Woodward has the facts on his side. He is a real – old guard – reporter,” said White House press secretary James Carney. “But the administration doesn’t work with facts and neither does anyone else in Washington. Mr. Woodward is from a school of thought that no longer exists.”

Woodward’s Journalism 101 tactics were exposed in October 2012 when he revealed in his book “The Price of Politics” that he actually got his information from senior White House officials Jack Lew, Director of the Office of Management and Budget; and Rob Nabors, Director of Legislative Affairs (no relation to Gomer Pyle). Lew and Nabors took the proposal to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid who presented it to Congress.

According to Media Matters Press Secretary Jess Levin, “Woodward is engaging in the outdated practices of research and investigative journalism. Real journalists understand that what matters is promoting Progressive ideals and the cause of centralization. The truth is a moot point, so the only logical conclusion is that Woodward is a racist.”

In an interview with CNN, Woodward said he was threatened by an anonymous senior Obama adviser by the name of Gene Sperling, Director of the National Economic Council at the White House, that he would “regret” writing an article arguing that Obama had “moved the goalposts” in negotiations over how to reduce our nation’s $845 billion budget deficit.

Incredulous that the administration would ever bully anyone, the CNN host became violently ill. Schmuck Weekly cannot confirm, but when it was revealed that former Clinton administration senior advisor Lanny Davis also received threats from the Obama White House, the aforementioned host reportedly imploded inside a New York City deli. Details remain sketchy and messy.

Schmuck Weekly will continue to update this story as the racist, right-wing extremist Woodward perseveres in his fact-driven crusade for the truth.

Go “Frack” Yourself!

As the debate over hydraulic fracturing (fracking) continues to make headlines across the country, a recent poll conducted by Schmuck Weekly’s Analysis & Hacking Of Laughable Excrement department (A*HOLE) in conjunction with the Ditka Polling Company surveyed 800 likely voters on how they perceive the issue.

“The results are shocking,” observed pollster Michael Ditka. “People have no opinion about fracking – they are clueless about the debate. The average schmuck on the street just likes saying the word.”

Ninety-one percent of likely voters offered no opinion about the issue.  Five percent thought that hydraulic fracturing referred to a bone injury sustained while bathing or swimming. The remaining four percent being a moot point, A*HOLE added an additional polling question:

“Do you just like saying the word “fracking”?

Ninety-five percent of all respondents admitted enjoying saying the word “fracking.” Even the six percent of respondents who support the idea of hydraulic fracturing indicated that they love to debate the issue just for the opportunity to say “fracking.”

The three percent opposed to the procedure, when asked the question about enjoyment from simply uttering the word, told the interviewer to “go frack himself.”

“This is very concerning,” said environmentalist and Schmuck Weekly inspiration Al Gore. Speaking from his private jet enroute to Qatar, Gore told an A*HOLE investigator, “Americans are fracking stupid about the environment. Fracking isn’t a fracking joke. It’s about cheaper gasoline, providing well-paying jobs and obstructing my funding from Arab oil empires. How will I be able to save the planet if I don’t have oil money to finance my efforts?”

Gore may find some relief stemming from the “sequester” debate. Ditka polling conducted an independent survey finding that citizens, especially young people, are fascinated with the word “sequester.”

“Similar to ‘fracking,’ the word ‘sequester’ is also a fun word to say,” according to Ditka. “It’s often used in the bedroom, and decorum prevents me from elaborating. We are also seeing a number of newborn females named ‘Sequester,’ especially in the southern and New England states. There is a very good chance it may make the top ten list of names for 2013.”

The popularity of the words could have a permanent impact on society. Purdue University’s School of Engineering is considering formation of a separate institution dedicated to its hydraulic fracturing program, to be known as Frack University (FU) or Frack U for short.  But if the Obama administration has its way, the sequester will be used to say “Frack you” to the new school.


Rev. Jesse Jackson: No longer Camera Hog in Chief

It is not a good time to be the Rev. Jesse Jackson. Over the past few years your world has slowly crumbled. Besides losing first black president honors to Bill Clinton and Rev. Al Sharpton having a cable news program – viewed by thousands of travelers stuck in bedbug-infested hotel rooms across America – your life overall is falling apart.

But even with the recent guilty plea by your son and daughter-in-law – each looking to share a cell with (insert Illinois politician of choice) – you’ve been replaced in the position you’ve treasured most for over four decades. No longer are you “Camera Hog in Chief.”

“For decades the camera lens and I had a love affair hotter than any extramarital affair I myself or my soon-to-be convict son ever had,” lamented Rev. Jackson. “Whenever there was a hostage crisis overseas, a union strike garnering national attention or a Free Palestine Party, yours truly was the one that made sweet love to the camera.”

But on Sunday evening the final nail in the coffin of Rev. Jackson’s hogging career hammered it shut. In front of a worldwide audience, Hollywood went the extra mile at the Academy Awards and brought out First Lady Michelle Obama to present the Oscar for Best Motion Picture. Quicker than the Iranian government could photoshop sleeves on the world’s most desired arms, Jackson realized that he had lost his “Camera Hog in Chief” title.

“I won’t lie – I was devastated,” said Jackson. “Even when I was calling Jews “Hymie” and refusing to denounce Minister Farrakhan’s decades of anti-Semitism, my kosher brothers and sisters in Hollywood stood by me. Today they have severed our relationship and found another lover.”

Jackson’s conclusion is warranted. For a number of years the First Lady has been a staple on daytime talk shows and late-night television. Last week the signs became clear that she was the new Hollywood darling as her appearance on “Late night with Jimmy Fallon” rose to the next level with her participation in a dance skit that continues to scare children across the globe.

Some media experts believe that Jackson putting himself in the same category as the First Lady reveals a complete misunderstanding of his role as “Camera Hog in Chief.”

“Jesse Jackson was a true ‘Camera Hog’ – a spotlight-seeking opportunist without precedent in our nation,” said Chicago Media critic Brett Grabowski. “Sure, the reverend read Green Eggs and Ham on Saturday Night Live, but his camera career was based on hogging the spotlight when the story wasn’t about him – not providing entertainment or a public service. It was strictly about Jesse.”

Grabowski continued, “If Mrs. Obama had been unable to perform her duties at the Academy Awards, they would have found someone else to present the Oscar. That kid who played “Urkel” in the 90s sitcom Family Matters was available, as well as the one guy from Milli Vanilli who hadn’t killed himself.”

Post Office guarantees customers won’t get laid

Americans love to look good. As a society we are very particular about our clothes – designers – whose style and reputation are a reflection of who we are as individuals. So nothing says I’m slow, tardy, boring and don’t do shit on weekends like sporting gear from the United States Postal Service.

This past week the USPS announced plans to launch a new line of all-weather apparel and accessories that is sure to guarantee that customers wearing the “cutting edge of functional fashion” won’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of having sex ever again. Dolce & Gabbana co-creator Stefano Gabbana went as far as to say, “If society is looking to guarantee someone stay a virgin by offering the ultimate turn-off to the opposite sex – wearing clothes that scream, Is that a stamp in your pants or are you just happy to see me? – that day has arrived.”  The line has received the official endorsement of the Catholic Archdiocese as a permissible form of birth control.

Isaac Crawford, CEO of Wahconah Group, Inc., offers a much different perspective. In a recent interview with ABC News, Crawford addressed the two sides of the clothing line:  “One side represents the legacy, the romanticism of the postal service, the idea that they started the same time that the country did.”

Schmuck Weekly’s Analysis & Hacking Of Laughable Excrement department (A*HOLE), in conjunction with the Ditka Polling Company, surveyed 300 college cheerleaders to see if the “romanticism of the postal service” would make them more or less attracted to men wearing USPS gear.

17% said they would consider it if he could do their math and science homework.

67% said they would rather be dead.

16% began stabbing themselves in the eye once they heard the question.

The survey also asked 300 college basketball players if they would consider dating a woman wearing USPS apparel.

91% said yes, as long as she has big boobs.

4% snapped their finger and said, “no way, Girlfriend.”

5% said yes, as long has she has really big boobs.

A*HOLE determined that men would be better off investing in an online Nigerian banking opportunity than buying anything related to the USPS line. There was limited impact on women regarding the opinion of the opposite sex; however, their female peers would refuse to be seen with them in public.

The virgin and bitch-slap lines of apparel from the USPS are due just in time to ruin Valentine’s Day 2014.

Livni crosses peace talks finish line

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has welcomed Tzipi Livni, formerly Israel’s foreign minister, into his developing coalition.  Under the arrangement, Livni will represent Netanyahu in peace talks with the Palestinian Authority, promising such a prompt resolution to the conflict that, based on Livni’s reported agreement to Palestinian preconditions, the talks have virtually already concluded.

Under the administration of former Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, Livni offered the PA over 90 percent of the land in Judea and Samaria for the creation of a Palestinian state.  This offer having been rebuffed, Livni vows to redouble her effort to seal a peace accord by offering the remainder of the State of Israel, including the entire city of Jerusalem.

“Livni’s publicly stated positions are positive,” said Nimer Hammad, a top advisor to PA Chairman Mahmoud Abbas. “She has experience with the demands of the peace process and with the Palestinian side’s view of the solution.”  Hammad further credited Livni with knowing her place as a woman.

Livni’s policies are also in accord with Netanyahu’s goal of creating the widest possible coalition government.  Sources tell Schmuck Weekly that Livni has approached Iran to bring Hezbollah into the Livni-Netanyahu coalition. Confirmation is still pending as her courier was found decapitated outside a Tehran gay bar. Homosexuals do not exist in the Islamic Republic, so details cannot be confirmed.

Asked what will become of the Jews currently residing in Israel, Livni will charge former Prime Minister Ariel Sharon with arranging for their relocation due to his experience with the expulsion of Jews from their homes in the Jewish state. Former UPI Washington D.C. Bureau Chief Helen Thomas has been recruited by Livni to serve as an adviser to the former Prime Minister regarding settlement options for Israeli citizens.  Sharon had no comment.

Thomas told a citizen journalist that Jews should “get the hell out of Palestine” and “go home” to Germany or Poland. Schmuck Weekly is awaiting comment from German Chancellor Angela Merkel and Polish head of state Bronisław Komorowski.

Israeli President Shimon Peres, believed to be vacationing in Ramallah, could not be reached for comment.

Gay rights group fights marriage equality

Chicago – A growing minority in the homosexual community have taken a position on gay marriage that is causing a hissy fit amongst Progressive activists and Humanistic churches in Chicago, San Francisco and Washington D.C. Gays Against Gay Marriage (GAGM) is a new non-profit organization created by homosexual activists who disagree with the idea that gay marriage must be recognized by the government.

“If I want government in my bedroom I can attend the Republicans National Convention and hook up with numerous elected officials or presidential candidates,” said GAGM spokesman, Bruce Weiner. “I thought the whole idea behind gay pride was the freedom to live our lives free of persecution and the need to be recognized by a bunch of closeted hypocrites. Suddenly we want our lifestyle recognized by the government. What am I missing?”

GAGM has found a strange bedfellow in the traditional marriage organization Friends Against Gay Marriage (FAGM). The Salt Lake City based group has raised over $1 million dollars for GAGM in hopes they can help gag pro-gay marriage voices. FAGM intends to cough up more funds for GAGM on the back-end of the upcoming political cycle.

Opposing GAGM and their backers is a new initiative supported and funded by former President Bill Clinton’s Clinton Foundation. The Alliance for Marriage Equality believes that sexual orientation plays no role in who can and cannot get married.

“Why should only straight-people have to suffer,” said a foundation spokesman who asked to remain anonymous. “If homosexuals want to be chained at the hip to an angry cold-hearted spouse who only says ‘are you done yet’ during sex, then they should endure the same pain as heterosexuals.”

The spokesman continued, “Marriage equality is the civil rights issue of this century. If straight folks are pressured to forgo their fame and popularity – forced to turn down the advances of a 19-year old intern – because our sexually corrupt society demands its – then gays must abide by the same rules of morality.”

Illinois Democrats: We need prison preparedness classes

Illinois Governor Pat Quinn is considering a proposal by House Speaker Michael Madigan to implement a prison preparedness class for all Federal, State and County level elected officials. Democrats from Cook County are lining up to sponsor the legislation.

“Let’s face facts. Chances are high that we will get caught behaving like Cook County Democrats and will be serving time in a minimum or medium security facility in Colorado or Minnesota,” said Rep. Elaine Nekritz (D-Northbrook). “My colleagues and I just want to be ready when the inevitable happens.”

Last week, news broke that former Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. had accepted a plea deal that includes prison time. His wife, former Chicago Alderman Sandi Jackson, is also under investigation. Political corruption being a family affair in the Land of Lincoln, is family-based training a possibility?

Speaker Madigan informed Schmuck Weekly that family is his top priority, especially his own, and that is why “I have asked Patricia Mell-Blago, wife of impeached governor and current Colorado prison-bitch Rod Blagojevich, to help author the legislation as well as develop the curriculum.”

Madigan hinted that the legislation could be named after his favorite Illinois felons and would be mandatory for Federal, State and County elected officials regardless of party affiliation. The Rostenkowski-Ryan-Walker bill could be law by year’s end.

Schmuck Note: SW attempted to contact the Illinois GOP for comment, but their phone line was disconnected due to failure to pay the bill.

Israeli-Palestinian peace talks needn’t include Jews

Washington D.C. – For nearly a month, Secretary of State John Kerry has been advocating the resumption of peace talks between Israel and the Palestinian Authority, now insisting they “must take place next month.” Kerry went as far as to tell the Sunday morning talk shows that PA President Mahmoud Abbas has agreed to a date for the summit, and Kerry was awaiting Israel’s response.

Schmuck Weekly’s Analysis & Hacking Of Laughable Excrement department (A*HOLE) has uncovered emails between Kerry and Abbas indicating the PA’s demand that the talks take place the week of March 25. Kerry informed Abbas that this would conflict with the Jewish observance of Passover.  Abbas, plagued by an outbreak of head lice and laryngitis due to a frog in his throat, replied that time and again, Arab overtures entreating Israel for peaceful, harmonious Arab-Israeli coexistence have been brutally struck down by Israel’s slavish refusal to let their Judaism go.

“Mr. Secretary, I told your predecessor what I am telling you now, that we will happily recognize and make peace with Israel as long as there are no Jews within their borders. Therefore this Zionist holiday you speak of is merely a pyramid scheme having no bearing on the date of the summit, as no Jews will be part of any legitimate Israel,” wrote Abbas. “Please tell your wife I am thinking of her and will never forget the way she taught me how to truly enjoy steak sauce.”

The A*HOLE investigation uncovered Kerry’s response in an email sent to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

“Bibi:  Abbas desperately wants to hold the talks the week of the 25th. He said something about a prostate exam the week before and a guest appearance on ‘Dancing with the Stars’ the week after. May I suggest sending a non-Jewish delegation – Muslims, if I may be so bold? Think of the brownie points you’ll score with the Arab world.”

When asked about Kerry’s unwillingness to be forthcoming with the Israeli Prime Minister, J-Street President Jeremy Ben-Ami took the opportunity praise Abbas and his desire for peace.

“The email clearly reflects Abbas’ willingness to recognize and make peace with Israel.”

When asked about the precondition that Israel be free of Jews, Ben-Ami dismissed Abbas’ demand as a “standard negotiating tactic,” expressing confidence that the Arab world will allow   a few Jews to remain in Israel, especially those in the medical community, which is credited with saving countless Arab lives and circumcising them under sterile conditions, although the International Court of Justice at the Hague has charged the Jewish medical establishment with gender discrimination for refusing to circumcise females.

The J-Street founder reiterated his call for Jews in Israel, in the interest of tikkun olam (repairing the world), to stop procreating and to quit installing backyard swimming pools as they will have no place in a future safe and secure Israel.

Jesse Jackson Jr.: Making bad decisions from the start

Pew of Schmucks!  Rev. Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson Jr. and Min. Louis Farrakhan

Pew of Schmucks! Rev. Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson Jr. and Min. Louis Farrakhan

Nothing says “I’m a piece shit” like sitting in a church pew with a poverty pimp and a world renown anti-Semite.
Seriously Junior, what the f*ck made you say, “Yo Al and Louie save me a seat.”