Archive for March 29, 2013

2013 Schmuck of the year so far nominees

Schmuck Weekly is proud, more like ashamed, to announce the 2013 Schmuck of the year so far nominees. Readers were asked to submit the name of the individual they feel truly met the definition of “Schmuck” during the first quarter of 2013. We received the names of politicians, Hollywood celebrities, world leaders and many groups and combinations of individuals. Most submissions included rationales, so the Schmuck Weekly staff made the decision to take into the account the reasons individuals cited for their favorite Schmuck (s).

Your 2013 Schmuck of the year so far nominees are (no particular order):

1.      Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu

Kissing Turkey’s ass isn’t going over well with supporters of the Jewish State.

2.      New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg

America’s Nanny is as popular as a fat chick with facial hair and a cold sore.

3.      Republican Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham

Readers fear the enlarged prostates of these GOP dinosaurs.

4.      Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel

After his confirmation hearing most Americans are convinced he takes a short yellow bus to work and leaves 15 minutes before everyone else.

5.      President Barack Obama and Speaker John Boehner

These two are about as likely to create economic growth as the Muslim Brotherhood advocating for gay rights.


What are you waiting for? Go cast your vote for the 2013 Schmuck of the year so far.

Congressional Progressive Caucus heads to Cyprus for economic lessons

Members of the Congressional Progressive Caucus (CPC) will be heading to Cyprus next week to learn the art of stealing the people’s money. Last week the island nation that nobody can locate on a map resolved its current economic crisis by emptying the bank accounts of its citizenry. The action of the Cypriot government is receiving praise from big government elitists across the globe.

“Finally someone had the guts to do the right thing and just take the money sitting in the bank,” said Congresswoman Jan Schakowsky (D-IL). “Government knows better than the people. Let us intellectuals run your life and I’m sure you will be better off.”

Schakowsky, who just returned from Venezuela after attending the funeral of Hugo Chavez, will be joined in Cyprus by fellow representatives Keith Ellison (D-MN), Sheila Jackson-Lee (D-TX), Jim Moran (D-VA) and Jim McDermott (D-WA). The Cypriot government’s new economic advisory committee, Federal Underwriters Coalition for Keynesian Economic Measures (FUCKEM), will host the U.S. contingent and demonstrate how the FUCKEM principles can be implemented in the U.S.

“I can’t wait to learn the new FUCKEM method,” said Sheila Jackson-Lee. “I’ve considered FUCKEM policies in the past, but Republicans and many of my Democratic colleagues think FUCKEM is wrong. I disagree and look forward to making FUCKEM universally accepted in Washington.”

Currently the U.S. debt is north of $16 trillion. According to budgetary experts at the accounting firm of Goldstein, Horowitz and Murphy, implementing the Cypriot solution in the United States would bring the debt down to just south of $16 trillion.

When asked about the negligible impact, Mrs. Schakowsky retorted, “We have no intention of ever resolving the debt crisis! We are just looking for a new method of achieving equality by   procuring the hard-earned money of successful folks in order to redistribute the funds until we can secure control of Congress, enabling us to pass real tax reform, you know, tax hikes on everyone earning above minimum wage.”

The CPC will be in Cyprus for three days and then will travel to the Gaza Strip in a show of   solidarity with the Palestinians, culminating in a ceremonial rocket launching at the Israeli city of Sderot.

Who is the biggest “Schmuck” of 2013 so far?

We are taking nominations for our first Schmuck of the month poll. In honor of March Madness, we are expanding the nominees to include anyone who you think has behaved like a schmuck the first part of 2013. Please submit your nominee on the Schmuck Weekly Facebook page or email: with your biggest “Schmuck” of 2013 so far.

Finalists will be announced on Thursday.

So many schmucks, so little time.

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Schmuck Weekly Publisher


Obama in Israel or some place that reminds him of a deli

Trying to reassure Israelis of his strong resolve in preventing Iran from building a bomb, President Obama told Israel’s Channel 2 today that he was not going to let Iran produce a nuclear device in the next two years.  “I had to draw a line in the sand,” Obama stated.  “Netanyahu is rushing things.  I disagree with his timetable.  So, I had to let Iran know that BHO is in the hizzy and I mean business.  Two years.  That’s it.  I’m on the record.”

President Obama continued, “I’m no Hillary Clinton, running around the tarmac in Bosnia, dodging imaginary bullets. I’m for real. Don’t mess with me, I’m from Chicago.  You bust my timetable; I’ll  have Rahm bust your knee-caps.  You know, the Chicago Way!”

“Well, what do you mean by two years?”  The Channel 2 reporter inquired.

President Obama avoided going to Israel his first term thinking eating corned beef at Manny's was good enough.

President Obama avoided going to Israel his first term thinking eating corned beef at Manny’s was good enough.

“You know, two, greater than one and less than three.  Isn’t that clear?”

“Well, not exactly.  What if they take your timetable literally and just postpone the completion of a nuclear device a few months after your deadline or just a year or two later? Can Israel afford to wait?”

“That would be four years, so it won’t be my problem; it will be Michelle’s. So, I don’t want to intrude on Michelle’s decision making.  That’s not my call.  Michelle has her own way of doing things.”

“Do I understand you to say that Mrs. Obama is going to run for president in 2016?”

“Of course she is.  What – You think we could trust Biden to be president?  Did you see how quickly I had his ass shipped to Rome for the pope’s installation? I have my staff working nonstop to try and keep him there. I think we will have him stop in Cyprus to open up a few bank accounts for our country.”

As Schmuck Weekly reported last week, Catholics in the United States greatly feared that the vice president would embarrass our nation by saying something stupid. It appears that may have happened in private.

“Joe and I discussed gay marriage before his trip to Rome,” said Mr. Obama. “He told me the pope can’t possibly be close-minded to homosexuals marrying. ‘When I go to Rome,’ he declared, ‘I’m going to lobby him.’ And then he looks at me with a straight face and says, ‘You know, the church could start by letting some of these pedophiles marry each other.  That would calm things down.’

“Can you imagine?  We’re still recovering from the shotgun statement.  You know, get women to shoot shotguns instead of AR-15s.  Some gun organization put up You Tube videos of women being thrown back by shooting twelve-gauges.  I thought some of them must have pissed in their panties, the recoil was so fierce.  Everyone is laughing, except my press office.”

“So, is that why you want Michelle to run?”

“Hell no, I want Michelle to move back to Hawaii, hang out on the beach, and smoke weed with me like I did in college. But she has a mind of her own.”

“So, it’s her idea?”

“Yeah, Biden is out and that leaves Hillary.  Michelle can’t stand that drama queen.  The idea of Hillary coming in here, redecorating and changing the china patterns, it’s too much for Michelle. And you’d never see any of that really great black talent entertaining in the White House.  She and Bill would probably have some of that country-hillbilly music out of Arkansas instead.  It isn’t going to happen!  We’ve come too far to turn this place over to someone who spent her most formative social years in the culture of Little Rock.  Do you know, when Hillary decorated the governor’s mansion, Better Homes and Gardens said that it looked like something out of the “Beverly Hillbillies”? I will protect our great nation against the likes of Hillary turning the White House into glorified Hooters.”

“Now, Mr. President, with all due respect, the Clintons hosted some really great popular music events.  How do you explain that?”

“In a word, Monica.”

“What, Lewinsky?”

“Yes, Monica could not only blow a mean flute, but she knew who in Hollywood was worth inviting to jam in the Oval Office.”

“Well, Mr. President, we’ve digressed from the Iran problem.  Let me ask you this:  What would Michelle do as president to keep Iran from getting the bomb?”

“Like everyone, you’ve seen Michelle’s triceps.  That girl has muscle.  She’d walk over to Ahmadinejad – that dwarf – and punch his lights out so hard he’d think he got hit by an Israeli preemptive strike – which I of course don’t support.”

Catholics fear Biden’s trip to Rome

Whether he is downplaying the severity of abusing women with a “garden-variety slap across the face,” or telling a crowd of African Americans that Republicans are “going to put y’all back in chains,” Vice President Joe Biden can always be counted on to say something inappropriate and offensive at the worst possible moment. For this reason Catholics across the United States are voicing their concerns that Mr. Biden will be representing our nation at the upcoming installation of Pope Francis in Rome.

“What genius thought it was a good idea to send Joe Biden to Rome for this holy moment?” quipped Catholic League spokesman Patrick Daley. “I would be more comfortable sending a football coach with Tourette syndrome to meet the Holy Father than a complete idiot.”

Vice President Joe Biden explains to a crowd why he is mentally challenged.

Vice President Joe Biden explains to a crowd why he is mentally challenged.

Some in the Catholic community believe the decision to send Biden to Rome is part of a larger plan – conspiracy – to embarrass church leaders who have voiced their concerns regarding Obamacare.

“Nobody in their right mind would send a buffoon to this milestone moment in history unless there was an agenda attached to the decision,” asserted Chicago Catholic Richard Callahan. “This was going to be a wonderful St. Patrick’s Day, but instead of enjoying lively spirits, Catholics will be drinking heavily to drown their fears over the debacle that will be unleashed in Rome.”

A member of President Obama’s “social welfare” organization Organizing for America, speaking on condition of anonymity, told Schmuck Weekly, “If we believed in God we’d be praying for the vice president to f*ck up. After the installation we are going to start our new fundraising campaign ‘Shut Crazy Uncle Joe Up!’”

The spokesman continued, “We are going to sell T-shirts, bumper stickers, mugs and our featured product will be a Crazy Uncle Joe muzzle. Conservatives don’t know how to turn lemons into Limoncello – We do!”

Illinois government credit card declined at Papa John’s

This past Friday, Americans awoke to a giddy media touting the news that Americans have abandoned all hope of finding a job and unemployment had dropped to 7.7 percent. Back in Illinois the unemployment figures felt like a sharp dagger in the back as out of work Illinoisans climbed from 8.7 to 9.0 percent. But for the Democratic machine it gets worse…much worse.

Schmuck Weekly sources have confirmed that last week Illinois Governor Pat Quinn attempted to buy pizza and bread sticks for his staff during a late night work session and the state-issued Visa card was “declined!”

“Some guy named Jack ordered four large pizzas and two orders of breadsticks and gave us a state-issued credit card. That thing was rejected quicker than my application to Lincoln Land Community College,” recalled Papa John employee Brad. “Gov. Quinn himself was then driven to our store in that short yellow bus he rides around in and paid cash for the food.”

As word got out about this potentially humiliating situation for Illinois lawmakers, businesses in the Springfield area went into panic mode.

“How will my customers pay for their massage and special stress release treatment?” wondered Suk Li, owner of HJ Massage Parlor. “My business will go the way of the state, in the crapper, if state credit cards can’t be used for the services of my girls, I mean masseuses.”

The declined credit card came as no surprise toJudy Baar Topinka, Republican Judy Baar Topinka.

“Darlings, what do you expect? The last time this state paid a bill on time, George Bush was president and I’m referring to the first one,” laughed Topinka. “I have seven billion dollars in unpaid bills on my desk and another three billion that haven’t reached my desk. Despite what Gov. Quinn thinks, the bill-fairy won’t pay these debts.”

Topinka added, “A business in Illinois is better off extending credit to a crack-whore than the government. At least crack addicts can get clean, get a job and pay their bills. Gov. Quinn and Speaker Madigan sold the public on tax hikes to pay back bills. That was B.S. then, and now we see the money never reached debtors. Instead, it went straight to the public employee unions. So who would you rather trust: a crack-whore or a political-whore? The latter has a sponsor –public employee unions and Speaker Madigan – folks not interested in solvency.”

A spokesman for Bankcard Services confirmed that all state-issued credit accounts have been designated N.F.W (No F*cking Way).

“We regret having to cut off the State of Illinois, but our accountants concluded that with the 28 percent interest rate the state pays, coupled with the monthly late-payment penalty fee for every payment since 2003, and only minimum disbursements made, we figure Illinois will have settled its credit card debt by the year 2119.”

Sith Lord Michael Madigan and his mentally challenged puppet Patrick

Sith Lord Michael Madigan and his mentally challenged puppet Patrick

Illinois House Speaker Michael Madigan, asked to comment on the spokesman’s dire calculations, responded that “we have secured the future of the bankcard industry into the 22nd century. Pay-to-play politics in Illinois is working. Our out-of-control spending and anti-business environment is creating lucrative jobs for our union friends and offers incentives for regular Illinoisans to move to a more prosperous state. I don’t understand what the problem is.”

First Lady honors anti-Semite and enthusiastic celebrant of 9/11

Samira Ibrahim is the latest recipient of the Department of State’s International Women of Courage Award.  Joining Secretary of State John Kerry to present the award will be First Lady Michelle Obama for whom this will indeed be a proud moment.

Ibrahim was among the women forcibly subjected to a virginity test by the new government of Egypt for demonstrating in Tahrir Square.  You have to hand it to the Obama administration.  One day they are handing out money to the government that supports raping women and the next they are giving an award to one of the victims. Who says you can’t have a finger in every pie?

Among Ms. Ibrahim’s other credentials for the award is that she is a Muslim.  It seems that only Muslim women qualify, for only Muslim women can be courageous.  In addition, she is a rabid anti-Semite, enthusiastic celebrant of the 9/11 tragedy, and loves Adolph Hitler. When Americans or Israelis die, Ms. Ibrahim creatively tweets her unrestrained pleasure.

Samira Ibrahim contemplating her next anti-Semitic tweet.

Samira Ibrahim contemplating her next anti-Semitic tweet.

“This might be true,” a visibly upset Michelle Obama said to a reporter from Christian News Network, who was holding the First Lady accountable. “But she is, after all, no Holocaust denier like some of the other finalists for the award. What distinguishes Samira and what impressed me, as one of the judges, is that she not only acknowledges that the Holocaust occurred, but she also has gone to great lengths to articulate the role of the Jewish conspiracy behind Hitler and the Holocaust.  This put her light years ahead of the other candidates. I know this is true because I went to Princeton.  You should read my senior thesis to see how accomplished I was at such a tender age.  Well, you should read it, if Princeton will ever release it, that is.”

Asked for a comment on the award, former President Jimmy Carter noted, “I think this is a great thing.  At first, there was some resistance from the Saudis who think that rape is an appropriate punishment for women who go to demonstrations and are out and about without being accompanied by a male relative.  You know, the Saudis rescued my peanut farm when it nearly went into bankruptcy from Billy’s mismanagement of the place.  Ms. Lillian tried to get Billy to stop drinking, but when they made that ‘Billy Beer,’ he just couldn’t resist it.  Thanks to Allah—err I mean God—for the Saudis and their generosity.  I am deferential to the Saudi view of things. How could I not be?  But when I told them Ms. Ibrahim celebrated 9/11, loved Hitler, and spoke of the Holocaust as a Jewish conspiracy, well, you know, how could they resist?”

Carter went on to say that the Saudis were concerned about the results of the virginity test.  But Carter assuaged their concerns by telling them that Bill Clinton and Senator Bob Menendez were independently going to perform an internal, hands-on investigation of the matter. Caught in a legal battle over allegations of sexual impropriety with teenage girls, Menendez said that if he was not available, former Illinois Congressman Mel Reynolds was eager to replace him.  “Congressman Reynolds’ reputation for expertise in this matter precedes him,” Menendez said.  “Some of us sneak around and have sex with underage girls, but few, like Reynolds, have the courage to go to prison for their beliefs. Reynolds is a stand-up guy that other Democrats should emulate.”

Schmuck Weekly Update

Media inquiries have apparently forced someone at the Department of State to pull their head out of their ass and take a closer look at Ms. Ibrahim. Though she has traveled to the U.S. to receive the International Women of Courage Award, her trip has turned out to be a waste of time and taxpayer money. A little birdy named Twitter reported that the anti-Semitic bitch has left a trail of tweets quoting Hitler, celebrating the murder of Israelis in Bulgaria, and applauding the September 11, 2012 siege of the U.S. embassy in Cairo.

In a desperate effort to save her award, Ibrahim claimed that her Twitter page was hacked, undoubtedly by Zionists – you know – Jews. But on her alleged hacked Twitter account she wrote (translated from Arabic) “I refuse to apologize to the Zionist lobby in America regarding my previous anti-Zionist statements under pressure from American government therefore they withdrew the award.”

Rand Paul filibuster angers old white guys with enlarged prostates

Republican Senator Rand Paul (KY) has become a “rock star” in the GOP. The 50 year-old ophthalmologist is being touted as a candidate for the White House in 2016 and his hairstyle is the focus of the new “Don’t drink and cut your hair” campaign. With Paul’s star on the rise, he is running up against egos and envy courtesy of the old men of the GOP.

After a 13-hour filibuster that may have caused serious damage to Paul’s bladder, the Kentucky senator was learning how badly he pissed off the Republican hierarchy.

“These Libertarian kids are loud and obnoxious. Their minds have been corrupted by those Atari video games and Dan Fogelberg music,” said Sen. John McCain (R-AZ). “The country has done fine under our watch. America must trust the people that got us into this mess to get us out of it.”

John McCain and Lindsey Graham plotting how they want to bitch-slap Rand Paul

John McCain and Lindsey Graham plotting how they want to bitch-slap Rand Paul

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham also offered some choice words for the freshman senator and his GOP colleagues that joined the filibuster fun – demanding an answer to the question, “Does the president have the authority to use a weaponized drone to kill an American not engaged in combat on American soil if the individual either looks like Ted Nugent or his name is Muhammad?”

“I do not believe that question deserves an answer,” said Graham. “What has the government ever done, especially this administration, to make Americans think they should fear for their safety? It’s not like the administration is trying to take away your Second Amendment rights.”

Schmuck Weekly tried reaching McCain for further comment, but the 76 year-old senator does not return calls after enjoying the 4:30 early bird senior special. No attempt was made by SW to contact Graham because nobody cares what he thinks.

Hell welcomes Chavez: Hollywood unhappy with eternal damnation

Detroit – As Hugo Chavez was taking his last breath, preparations for his arrival in Hell were underway to welcome the deceased dictator – murderer – torturer – piece of shit. Satan himself left his earthly dwelling – currently Cairo – to personally welcome Chavez and offer the ceremonial greeting of hot coals shoved up the anal cavity while being forced to listen to Barbara Streisand’s Oscar performance played in an endless loop.

“I don’t get down here that often anymore. It’s hot, I shvitz a lot, but it’s not that often that we get a true celebrity scumbag down here, so I made the trip,” remarked Satan. “Hugo is special. He tortured his enemies, fixed elections, supported terrorism, murdered thousands and harbors a special hatred for Jews. He truly embodies what Hell is about.”

Hugo Chavez with his favorite Hollywood Bitch!

Hugo Chavez with his favorite Hollywood Bitch!

But within hours of Chavez’s arrival in the underworld, rumors began surfacing that Chavez was unhappy with his accommodations and deeply saddened that a retinue of world renowned purveyors of evil, his personal idols, hadn’t shown up to welcome him.

“He was hoping to be greeted by his heroes; Simon Bolivar, Osama Bin-Laden, Che Guevara, Karl Marx and Muppet creator Frank Oz,” noted underworld spokesman Yasser Arafat. “But on   Tuesdays we serve cake (devil’s food), and unless you are one of the first 200 million in the chow line, you will miss out.”

Prior to his death, Chavez had spoken to future Hell resident Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who assured his friend that his life’s work would merit 72 virgins in paradise. Unfortunately for Chavez, the virgins available to him are not celibate by choice and “paradise” smells like Michael Moore’s bathroom after a chili binge.

Back on earth, Chavez supporters held a rally demanding that their hero be granted access to the Kingdom of Heaven.

“Hugo knew that every great revolution and viable government begins by eliminating voices of dissention,” commented actor Sean Penn. “So he murdered and tortured a few folks. Did you see any of my movies with Madonna or “At Close Range”? Those films tortured audiences and stole their money. Is what he did any worse?”

Chavez’s close friend director Oliver Stone added, “I mourn a great hero to the majority of his people, and so what if the minority were tortured, imprisoned and often executed! That is how equality becomes reality. Look at Joseph Stalin and Mao Tse-Tung. Maybe we need a revolution in heaven.”

According to the Hollywood Reporter, actors Tim Robbins and Danny Glover, distraught over Chavez’s demise, are currently on suicide watch.  But sources tell Schmuck Weekly that Robbins’ depression may be based on the fact that he is married to Susan Sarandon.

Schmuck Update: Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon never married. There public relationship only seemed like a never-ending torturous saga (marriage). Schmuck Weekly apologizes for the mistake. Good chance it will happen again.