Archive for April 30, 2013

Reader Poll: Who’s more Schmuckworthy: Sheila Jackson Lee or her constituency?

Do Americans get the government they deserve? It’s hard to argue that we don’t, since the citizenry often votes for the incompetent and corrupt, election after election. You’ve heard of Illinois and California, right?

Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-TX) pauses to find an intelligent thought. Comes up empty.

Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-TX) pauses to find an intelligent thought. Comes up empty.

Yesterday it was revealed that the shame and pain of Texas, Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-18), went on a whirlwind trip in February that cost you and me $23,646. The ten-term incumbent, who has never been reelected without at least 70 percent of the vote, is notorious for her extensive jet setting and eyewitness accounts of her elitist condescension toward plane crews and passengers.

But is it Lee’s fault that John Q. Public got stuck with an exorbitant travel bill? Or are her constituents to blame for sending her back to Washington every two years?

Make your case in the Comment section and vote in our exclusive online reader poll.

Who is a bigger schmuck?

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Illinois Democrats abandon state in the middle of the night

Springfield – Nothing good happens in Springfield, Illinois at two o’clock in the morning.  Then again, nothing good happens at two o’clock in the afternoon either. But why is this night different from all other nights?  The usual sounds of gunfire and screaming crack-addicts were accompanied by the roar of diesel engines and screeching of brakes. Democratic legislators have packed up their offices, loaded up moving vans and kissed their mistresses good-bye. The time to abandon (literally) the state they spent decades destroying had finally come.

As 2013 began, Illinois had a growing $130 billion pension deficit and nearly $9 billion in unpaid bills.  Fearing reprisals from public employee unions and owners of liquor stores in economically deprived neighborhoods, Democratic leaders, under orders from Speaker (Sith Lord) Michael Madigan, decided it was best to ignore the fiscal crisis. Don’t worry, Mr. and Ms. union worker and business owner – you’ll get the money promised and owed to you (insert evil laugh here).

Denial and deception being the motto of Springfield, Madigan and his puppets concentrated on legalizing medical marijuana, same-sex marriage and driver’s licenses for illegal immigrants. Before packing up, the legislature approved borrowing $2 billion at an interest rate usually reserved for patrons of loan sharks and Greece.

Sith Lord Michael Madigan and his mentally challenged puppet Patrick

Sith Lord Michael Madigan and his mentally challenged puppet Patrick

But just like the gambler who realizes the knock at the door is Vito with a crowbar, the time to skip town under the cover of night is now. Democrats are on the run.

From an undisclosed location, State Rep. Barbara Flynn Currie told Schmuck Weekly, “I’ve been screwing over the people of Illinois for nearly 35 years. I’ve stood with his holiness, Emperor Madigan, passing tax-hike after tax-hike and making promises to unions that we knew we could never keep. Those schmucks have kept us in power for decades and I guarantee you they will continue to do so in 2014, even if we are holding session somewhere west of the Mississippi River.”

Governor Pat Quinn was enjoying his daily play session at Legoland and was unavailable for comment. State Senate President John Cullerton’s office declined to speak to Schmuck Weekly and is rumored to be making arrangements to rendezvous with the Democratic Empire in Branson, Missouri next week for a taxpayer-funded conference at Dolly Parton’s Dixie Stampede.

When called for comment, Republican minority leader Tom Cross admitted he was unaware of majority party travel plans.

“We don’t matter. We have no power or say-so in the affairs of Illinois,” said Cross. “But leave it to Emperor Mike (Madigan) to find a way to make the GOP even less relevant.”

Cross continued, “They don’t need us for quorum, so they can hold session in an Arkansas bowling alley if they want. I wish I were invited to the party, but that only happens if they need me to sign on to legislation detrimental to Illinois families, so it looks like a bipartisan whacking.”

Business and local government leaders have sent a letter to Attorney General Lisa Madigan (daughter and apprentice of the Emperor) demanding she take legal action to bring back the Democratic legislature.

“My office doesn’t investigate or take legal action against Illinois Democrats, especially those from Cook County,” said Ms. Madigan. “I’m sure this is all part of my daddy’s plan to make me governor next year. At that time I will unveil my economic blueprint to make Illinois solvent by the year 2112.”

It is unknown where the Democratic truck convoy will ultimately end up. Sources tell Schmuck Weekly that Madigan himself is traveling in a vehicle disguised as a Marshall Tucker Band tour truck. Limited-government advocacy groups are applauding the Democrats’ decision to get out of Dodge.

“It’s not like they had any intention of making Illinois whole again,” said Richard Goldstein, President of Why Does Illinois Suck Project. “The only hope Illinois residents have is moving to a state that isn’t Illinois or getting the bums out of Springfield. It appears one of the options has come to fruition.”

President Carter angry over Tsarnaev medical care

Former President Jimmy Carter is publicly condemning the treatment of alleged Boston bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. The 39th occupant of the Oval Office is displeased that Tsarnaev, a Muslim, is being detained at a Jewish hospital that has the word “Israel” in its name.

 “It’s a shame that a Muslim is being forced to receive medical care by some of the finest Jewish doctors in the world,” said Carter. “It’s inhumane that Dzhokhar has to recover in a building associated with Israel.  Fortunately, however, he will not be forced to leave a tip since he has already been circumcised.”  The alleged terrorist is recovering at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston. The alleged hotbed of Zionist hostilities serves as the main teaching facility for the Harvard Medical School. Numerous Progressive organizations and Hollywood activists are joining Mr. Carter in their call to have Tsarnaev rescued from arguably the finest hospital in the United States. 

Alarmed by Tsarnaev’s request to speak to a rabbi, the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) has filed an injunction against the hospital to prevent Tsarnaev from receiving any further transfusions of Jewish blood.

“The superior medical care Dzhokhar is receiving serves as another example of the United States doing Israel’s dirty work,” said Code Pink spokesperson Ima Betch. “We will not sit idly by as this young man is shamed by the fact that his life is being saved by Jewish doctors and the Zionist money that funds this despicable life-saving institution.”

Former President Jimmy Carter is the inspiration for Schmuck Weekly.

Former President Jimmy Carter is the inspiration for Schmuck Weekly.

Carter and Code Pink were joined at a press conference by U.S. Representatives Keith Ellison (MN) and Sheila Jackson Lee (TX), who recently co-sponsored the pending backpack registry legislation. Also joining the list of schmucks was Hollywood director and buffet aficionado Michael Moore, as well as Venezuela’s newest citizens, Danny Glover and Sean Penn.

Carter addressed the press conference accompanied by representatives from MSNBC, New York Times, Al Jazeera and Alex Jones.

“Israel’s apartheid has made its way to the United States,” Carter told a crowd of six. “It’s bad enough the Jewish state offers the finest medical care in the world to Palestinians and Arab Israelis. Now they have infiltrated our medical institutions – bringing the same humanitarian ideals to hospitals managed and financed by Jews.”

Carter continued, “Today, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev owes his life to a Jewish medical institution. The shame he will live with is unbearable. Federal authorities should have been courteous enough to find a Saudi or Pakistani doctor to treat Dzhokhar at a facility that didn’t have a mezuzah on every doorpost or a Star of David over each bed. The world is watching, and what they see is a nation conspiring with Israel to offer the finest medical care to our enemies. For shame!

Backpack registry legislation proposed

In the wake of the Boston Marathon attacks, elected officials are scrambling to come up with a knee-jerk reaction that will make no one safer, cause great inconvenience, and expand government bureaucracy.

Texas Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee and Illinois Rep. Jan Schakowsky are proposing legislation that will create a national backpack registry to help prevent another Boston tragedy and to enhance their image as being complete idiots.

Sheila Jackson-Lee pauses to find an intelligent thought. Comes up empty.

Sheila Jackson-Lee pauses to find an intelligent thought. Comes up empty.

“Stop blaming the terrorists,” proclaimed Lee. “We are a society that allows backpacks to get into the hands of criminals. Backpack laws are non-existent. We permit children to buy backpacks and allow them to bring them into schools. Do you really think they intend to put books in those bags?”

The proposal creates a national backpack registry that will track sales of all carriers that have a harness. Purchasers must be at least 21 years of age and will be required to register with the state by obtaining a carrier registration approval permit (CRAP). The CRAP card must be presented upon purchasing a harness-style carrier, followed by a five-day waiting period during which time the government will run your CRAP.  Upon approval, the purchaser may take possession.

“Evil lurks inside these bags of destruction,” said Schakowsky. “We are also proposing that the carriers be limited in size. Why do people need bags that can carry more than a laptop computer or a small poodle? It’s not like people carry food, water, sleeping bags and tents in backpacks anymore.”

While the bill does have its critics, many began stabbing themselves in the eye when they learned of the proposal; it is also gaining momentum in Progressive circles.

“This proposal is fabulous,” remarked Rep. Barney Frank (MA). “Let’s face it, people are cruel and stupid. We need a bigger and more intrusive government to protect us from ourselves. I don’t even trust me. I don’t know where I’ve been.”

The legislation if approved would forbid all backpacks from entering schools, being present on college campuses.

“I can’t think of a more imminent threat to education than a backpack,” said Schakowsky. “Once we cure society of this menace, we will establish a congressional oversight committee to study weapons-grade crockpots and pressure cookers.”

Nanny Bloomberg wins 2013 Schmuck of the year so far

Earlier today the conclave of Schmuck Weekly staffers gathered in a smoke-filled room to tally up the votes for 2013 Schmuck of the year so far. We considered the results from the online poll, Facebook page and emails submitted by readers. As we gathered with our 32-ounce cups of sugar-laden soda and legally purchased firearms, it was obvious before the count was finalized who the biggest schmuck of 2013 is.

With just over 51 percent of the total vote, Schmuck Weekly extends a heartfelt “Mazel Tov” to New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg – winner of the 2013 Schmuck of the year so far.

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“Only in America could an elitist billionaire, a true schmuck, wake up one morning and say to himself, ‘I think I’m going to outlaw Coca-Cola, because I can manage people’s lives better than they can,’ ” remarked Schmuck Weekly publisher Paulie. “Nanny Bloomberg truly exemplifies what it means to be a schmuck, and we offer him our congratulations.”

Finishing in second place was the comedy team of President Barack Obama and Speaker John Boehner. Their inept leadership earned them enough votes to qualify for second place. Better luck next time. Surprising third place finisher was Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel. His nomination hearings validated the public’s perception that most politicians are mentally challenged. Bringing up the rear were the “enlarged prostate twins” Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham, who tend to deserve schmuck honors every time they open up their mouths. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu finished a distant fifth. His recent ass-kissing of Turkey earned him a surprising nomination and raised concerns that his body may have been infiltrated by the ghost of Neville Chamberlain. The Schmuck staff regrets that Bibi didn’t tell  Turkey to stuff it, but wishes him well nevertheless.

Mayor Bloomberg’s victory earned him a nomination in the 2013 Schmuck of the year awards. More schmuck winners will rise to the surface, or rather sink to the bottom, every quarter, so keep reading and opining, and tell your friends about the best political and popular culture satire on that internet thingy.