Archive for May 28, 2013

Michelle Obama uses military drones for vacation planning

Plagued by more scandals than an Illinois governor, the Obama administration finds itself confronted with news reports that the U.S. military drone program is being used by First Lady Michelle Obama to scout vacation spots for the First Family.

First Lady questioned about misuse of Drone program

First Lady questioned about misuse of Drone program

Emails and documents leaked to Schmuck Weekly by anonymous Pentagon sources reveal that the nation’s controversial drone program to hunt down terrorists on foreign soil may have been greatly exaggerated and in fact is mostly used to provide aerial photographs of resorts, beaches and cabana boys for Mrs. Obama.

“My colleagues and I became suspicious when mission orders consisted of drone patrols over Hawaii, Jamaica and the French Rivera,” said ground pilot Billy Bradshaw. “We were ordered to take images of beach front property, hedonism resorts and the physical attributes of the locals.”

According to Bradshaw, surveillance footage was then sent by inner-office mail to FLOTUS Chief of Staff Tina Tchen. Ms. Tchen was unavailable for comment as she is currently in the Bahamas conducting “research” for the First Lady.

A Pentagon official who asked not to be identified is claiming the drone program is managed by the First Lady’s office and has not been used for military activity since September 2009.

“President Obama’s tough talk about his bad ass drone attacks is just that – talk,” noted the Pentagon official. “The only time a deadly device has been launched from one of our unmanned aerial vehicles is when he sent Attorney General Eric Holder down to Mexico to pick up some quality shit (marijuana) in exchange for some guns.”

The official continued, “Apparently a rival cartel was angry that the president stopped getting his stash from them, so they attempted to hijack our truck and shots were exchanged, with American weapons from a previous deal, and eventually a drone was called in to protect the pot.”  The official went on to explain that the president switched his source at the behest of the AFL-CIO Joint Task Force, United Marijuana Farm workers Union because the former source was a right-to-work cartel.

Schmuck Weekly asked White House Press Secretary Jay Carney about these claims. He ran away from our reporter, screaming repeatedly, “I know nothing!”

Asked to comment before this article was published, Mrs. Obama questioned our priorities and patriotism, generally lambasting our investigation as a Zionist conspiracy in retaliation for the Israeli resort city of Eilat being excluded from the list of recommended vacation sites.

“Why do you care if I’m using drones to check out packages, I mean vacation spots? Haven’t you guys heard about Barack and Eric abusing their power? IRS, Benghazi, Associated Press, Manti Te’o’s girlfriend. They orchestrated all of that,” she explained. “Why don’t you guys take down my husband so I can leave this town? Don’t you think I need a vacation? I haven’t had one in almost a month.”

James Carney caught in airport bathroom with Sgt. Schultz

Baltimore – Mired in multiple scandals, the Obama administration suffered yet another blow Tuesday afternoon when the Associated Press reported that White House press secretary James Carney was caught receiving media advice in an airport men’s room from world renowned incompetent Sgt. Hans Schultz.

AP reporter Reggie Goldstein was transferring planes at Baltimore–Washington International Airport when he noticed Carney entering a men’s room. Knowing that his bosses are still trying to get answers from the White House about the federal government’s seizure of AP phone records, Goldstein followed Carney into the men’s room, only to encounter Carney and Schultz embracing and going into a stall. Naturally assuming homosexual activity, Goldstein made his way to the exit, when he began to hear conversation.

James Carney receiving press advice from Sgt. Schultz

James Carney receiving press advice from Sgt. Schultz

“Carney was obviously crying – hysterically – begging Schultz to tell him what to say,” explained Goldstein. “The press secretary whined to Schultz that ‘the press wasn’t supposed to ask real questions and do real investigative journalism. They love Barack!  They kiss my ass!  We are supposed to govern free of accountability! Doesn’t everyone get their news from the Daily Show?’ ”

Goldstein told Schmuck Weekly that before Schultz could speak, Carney rambled on about   various options in order to evade the truth.

“We can blame Bush! Oh wait, better yet, we can blame Cheney for Benghazi,” exclaimed   Carney. “Maybe we can change the timeline and convince everyone the attack occurred on September 11, 2008 instead of 2012. I wonder if we can get the American people to believe that Bush and Cheney worked with Al Qaeda to orchestrate the attack. I’m sure we can photo-shop a picture of Bush setting the compound on fire. MSNBC will certainly get that image out to their 27 viewers.”

The AP reporter said he sat outside the stall, wishing these guys would start sending gay signals by tapping their feet, but no such luck. “I continued to listen to the mouthpiece of the President plot to deceive the public and bounce ideas of a fictional television character that passed away thirty years ago,” said Goldstein.

The most surprising development from the toilet talk was Carney’s admission that after 5:00 PM Washington time on September 11, Obama was not playing basketball, ignoring the Benghazi developments, as claimed by conservative pundits.

“He was with me playing Super Mario Brothers on an old Nintendo game system we found in the White House attic that used to belong to Bill Clinton.”

The one-sided conversation between Carney and Schultz finally turned silent, with the press secretary imploring Schultz to tell him what he should say, in what sounded like a “whimpering whisper.”

At that moment, Schultz bellowed, “I know nothing!”

Human Race officially declares Al Gore full of sh*t

London – World leaders gathered in London over the weekend to attend the Human Race Project international convention.  Representatives from 96 countries discussed a variety of topics including world implementation of the Cyprus economic model, advantages of unconditional surrender to North Korea, and blaming Jews for Islamic terror. Also on the agenda was a resolution submitted by Scandinavian nations declaring that global warming alarmist and schmuck extraordinaire who couldn’t win his home state in a presidential election, Al Gore, be “officially declared full of shit.”

 “We have been waiting and wanting this so-called “global warming” or “climate change” for decades,” said Sweden’s Gunnar Breinholst. “It is, as you say in America, ‘fucking cold’ outside and it’s getting colder. I bought a swimsuit in 2003 because Al Gore said the planet was getting warmer. I still haven’t worn it. That mammaknullare is a rövhål and he owes me $17.95 for my trunks. ”

To the surprise of the attendees, the United States did not object to the resolution. The U.S. contingent, led by former President Bill Clinton, took matters a step further when it asked Clinton to co-sponsor the resolution.

Al Gore learns the Human Race has officially declared him "full of shit."

Al Gore learns the Human Race has officially declared him “full of shit.”

“Global warming is a pussy, I mean Ponzi scheme.  It’s May and it’s snowing in Arkansas. Al was full shit when I first met him over twenty years ago and today he is still full of shit,” said Clinton. “To be honest, I’d welcome some global warming. Be nice not to go to a baseball game in Chicago or Cincinnati in April or May without a winter coat and a flask of whiskey to keep me warm.”

Gore was not immediately available for comment as his private jet was grounded during a refueling stop in Des Moines, Iowa. He was on his way to a global warming conference in Amsterdam, but was unable to get off the ground due to a blizzard.

Just prior to publication of this piece, Schmuck Weekly received a call from the environmentalist guru.

“I categorically deny being full of shit. As soon as the blizzard passes and my private jet can be cleared for take-off, I will fly to London to defend myself,” said Gore. “The world doesn’t understand that if we don’t start following my environmental recommendations, my carbon credit business scheme will fall apart. Do you know what my monthly payments are to Tipper? Do you know how much it costs to feed her?”

On Monday morning, Gore was finally able to leave Iowa.  But as his plane was fueling up, the Human Race Project world body reconvened to officially declare, “Albert Gore is full of shit.”

Schmuck Weekly hopes to get additional comment from the green energy pimp once his plane lands in Qatar for refueling. Gore frequently lands his aircraft in the oil rich nation as he receives a lifetime of free oil as stipulated in section F, paragraph U of his agreement with the OPEC nation regarding his sale of Current TV to Al Jazeera. 

Please refer to the Schmucktionary for translation of Swedish terminology cited in the second paragraph. Children should not be present.