Archive for March 17, 2014

Kerry threatens Putin with Ketchup

Last week Secretary of State John Kerry warned of serious consequences for Russia if the Putin regime did not change its position on the crisis in Ukraine by Monday. With the deadline upon us we have learned what the repercussions will be: Ketchup!

A spokesman for Kerry reported that, while enjoying a cheeseburger with his wife Teresa, heir to the Heinz Ketchup fortune, Kerry came up with the plan to institute a ketchup embargo against Russia if the Russian government did not meet the Monday deadline.Kerry_ketchup

“Everyone loves ketchup, especially children and horror filmmakers,” explained Secretary of State Communications Director Jen Psaki. “We are confident that the deprivation of this valuable condiment will bring Mr. Putin and his government to their knees.”

Reports are sketchy at this time, but indications are that the Obama administration is relishing the thought of even further prohibitions to include additional Heinz products. Steak and hot sauce, as well mustard and tartar sauce are being considered as part of the condiment embargo. As rumors of Kerry’s threat began to surface, Heinz stock took a 32 percent hit, while at the same time Hunt’s brand climbed 28 percent.

A request for comment was conveyed to the Russian embassy, but they were out to lunch at a local Burger King. We have confirmation, however, that the threat is indeed a whopper and is not being taken lightly. The manager at the establishment did tell Schmuck Weekly that all members of the embassy staff requested extra ketchup packets with their fries, Heinz sight being 20/20.