Archive for Joseph Shbotnick

Kerry threatens Putin with Ketchup

Last week Secretary of State John Kerry warned of serious consequences for Russia if the Putin regime did not change its position on the crisis in Ukraine by Monday. With the deadline upon us we have learned what the repercussions will be: Ketchup!

A spokesman for Kerry reported that, while enjoying a cheeseburger with his wife Teresa, heir to the Heinz Ketchup fortune, Kerry came up with the plan to institute a ketchup embargo against Russia if the Russian government did not meet the Monday deadline.Kerry_ketchup

“Everyone loves ketchup, especially children and horror filmmakers,” explained Secretary of State Communications Director Jen Psaki. “We are confident that the deprivation of this valuable condiment will bring Mr. Putin and his government to their knees.”

Reports are sketchy at this time, but indications are that the Obama administration is relishing the thought of even further prohibitions to include additional Heinz products. Steak and hot sauce, as well mustard and tartar sauce are being considered as part of the condiment embargo. As rumors of Kerry’s threat began to surface, Heinz stock took a 32 percent hit, while at the same time Hunt’s brand climbed 28 percent.

A request for comment was conveyed to the Russian embassy, but they were out to lunch at a local Burger King. We have confirmation, however, that the threat is indeed a whopper and is not being taken lightly. The manager at the establishment did tell Schmuck Weekly that all members of the embassy staff requested extra ketchup packets with their fries, Heinz sight being 20/20.

Michelle Obama uses military drones for vacation planning

Plagued by more scandals than an Illinois governor, the Obama administration finds itself confronted with news reports that the U.S. military drone program is being used by First Lady Michelle Obama to scout vacation spots for the First Family.

First Lady questioned about misuse of Drone program

First Lady questioned about misuse of Drone program

Emails and documents leaked to Schmuck Weekly by anonymous Pentagon sources reveal that the nation’s controversial drone program to hunt down terrorists on foreign soil may have been greatly exaggerated and in fact is mostly used to provide aerial photographs of resorts, beaches and cabana boys for Mrs. Obama.

“My colleagues and I became suspicious when mission orders consisted of drone patrols over Hawaii, Jamaica and the French Rivera,” said ground pilot Billy Bradshaw. “We were ordered to take images of beach front property, hedonism resorts and the physical attributes of the locals.”

According to Bradshaw, surveillance footage was then sent by inner-office mail to FLOTUS Chief of Staff Tina Tchen. Ms. Tchen was unavailable for comment as she is currently in the Bahamas conducting “research” for the First Lady.

A Pentagon official who asked not to be identified is claiming the drone program is managed by the First Lady’s office and has not been used for military activity since September 2009.

“President Obama’s tough talk about his bad ass drone attacks is just that – talk,” noted the Pentagon official. “The only time a deadly device has been launched from one of our unmanned aerial vehicles is when he sent Attorney General Eric Holder down to Mexico to pick up some quality shit (marijuana) in exchange for some guns.”

The official continued, “Apparently a rival cartel was angry that the president stopped getting his stash from them, so they attempted to hijack our truck and shots were exchanged, with American weapons from a previous deal, and eventually a drone was called in to protect the pot.”  The official went on to explain that the president switched his source at the behest of the AFL-CIO Joint Task Force, United Marijuana Farm workers Union because the former source was a right-to-work cartel.

Schmuck Weekly asked White House Press Secretary Jay Carney about these claims. He ran away from our reporter, screaming repeatedly, “I know nothing!”

Asked to comment before this article was published, Mrs. Obama questioned our priorities and patriotism, generally lambasting our investigation as a Zionist conspiracy in retaliation for the Israeli resort city of Eilat being excluded from the list of recommended vacation sites.

“Why do you care if I’m using drones to check out packages, I mean vacation spots? Haven’t you guys heard about Barack and Eric abusing their power? IRS, Benghazi, Associated Press, Manti Te’o’s girlfriend. They orchestrated all of that,” she explained. “Why don’t you guys take down my husband so I can leave this town? Don’t you think I need a vacation? I haven’t had one in almost a month.”

Human Race officially declares Al Gore full of sh*t

London – World leaders gathered in London over the weekend to attend the Human Race Project international convention.  Representatives from 96 countries discussed a variety of topics including world implementation of the Cyprus economic model, advantages of unconditional surrender to North Korea, and blaming Jews for Islamic terror. Also on the agenda was a resolution submitted by Scandinavian nations declaring that global warming alarmist and schmuck extraordinaire who couldn’t win his home state in a presidential election, Al Gore, be “officially declared full of shit.”

 “We have been waiting and wanting this so-called “global warming” or “climate change” for decades,” said Sweden’s Gunnar Breinholst. “It is, as you say in America, ‘fucking cold’ outside and it’s getting colder. I bought a swimsuit in 2003 because Al Gore said the planet was getting warmer. I still haven’t worn it. That mammaknullare is a rövhål and he owes me $17.95 for my trunks. ”

To the surprise of the attendees, the United States did not object to the resolution. The U.S. contingent, led by former President Bill Clinton, took matters a step further when it asked Clinton to co-sponsor the resolution.

Al Gore learns the Human Race has officially declared him "full of shit."

Al Gore learns the Human Race has officially declared him “full of shit.”

“Global warming is a pussy, I mean Ponzi scheme.  It’s May and it’s snowing in Arkansas. Al was full shit when I first met him over twenty years ago and today he is still full of shit,” said Clinton. “To be honest, I’d welcome some global warming. Be nice not to go to a baseball game in Chicago or Cincinnati in April or May without a winter coat and a flask of whiskey to keep me warm.”

Gore was not immediately available for comment as his private jet was grounded during a refueling stop in Des Moines, Iowa. He was on his way to a global warming conference in Amsterdam, but was unable to get off the ground due to a blizzard.

Just prior to publication of this piece, Schmuck Weekly received a call from the environmentalist guru.

“I categorically deny being full of shit. As soon as the blizzard passes and my private jet can be cleared for take-off, I will fly to London to defend myself,” said Gore. “The world doesn’t understand that if we don’t start following my environmental recommendations, my carbon credit business scheme will fall apart. Do you know what my monthly payments are to Tipper? Do you know how much it costs to feed her?”

On Monday morning, Gore was finally able to leave Iowa.  But as his plane was fueling up, the Human Race Project world body reconvened to officially declare, “Albert Gore is full of shit.”

Schmuck Weekly hopes to get additional comment from the green energy pimp once his plane lands in Qatar for refueling. Gore frequently lands his aircraft in the oil rich nation as he receives a lifetime of free oil as stipulated in section F, paragraph U of his agreement with the OPEC nation regarding his sale of Current TV to Al Jazeera. 

Please refer to the Schmucktionary for translation of Swedish terminology cited in the second paragraph. Children should not be present.

Illinois Democrats abandon state in the middle of the night

Springfield – Nothing good happens in Springfield, Illinois at two o’clock in the morning.  Then again, nothing good happens at two o’clock in the afternoon either. But why is this night different from all other nights?  The usual sounds of gunfire and screaming crack-addicts were accompanied by the roar of diesel engines and screeching of brakes. Democratic legislators have packed up their offices, loaded up moving vans and kissed their mistresses good-bye. The time to abandon (literally) the state they spent decades destroying had finally come.

As 2013 began, Illinois had a growing $130 billion pension deficit and nearly $9 billion in unpaid bills.  Fearing reprisals from public employee unions and owners of liquor stores in economically deprived neighborhoods, Democratic leaders, under orders from Speaker (Sith Lord) Michael Madigan, decided it was best to ignore the fiscal crisis. Don’t worry, Mr. and Ms. union worker and business owner – you’ll get the money promised and owed to you (insert evil laugh here).

Denial and deception being the motto of Springfield, Madigan and his puppets concentrated on legalizing medical marijuana, same-sex marriage and driver’s licenses for illegal immigrants. Before packing up, the legislature approved borrowing $2 billion at an interest rate usually reserved for patrons of loan sharks and Greece.

Sith Lord Michael Madigan and his mentally challenged puppet Patrick

Sith Lord Michael Madigan and his mentally challenged puppet Patrick

But just like the gambler who realizes the knock at the door is Vito with a crowbar, the time to skip town under the cover of night is now. Democrats are on the run.

From an undisclosed location, State Rep. Barbara Flynn Currie told Schmuck Weekly, “I’ve been screwing over the people of Illinois for nearly 35 years. I’ve stood with his holiness, Emperor Madigan, passing tax-hike after tax-hike and making promises to unions that we knew we could never keep. Those schmucks have kept us in power for decades and I guarantee you they will continue to do so in 2014, even if we are holding session somewhere west of the Mississippi River.”

Governor Pat Quinn was enjoying his daily play session at Legoland and was unavailable for comment. State Senate President John Cullerton’s office declined to speak to Schmuck Weekly and is rumored to be making arrangements to rendezvous with the Democratic Empire in Branson, Missouri next week for a taxpayer-funded conference at Dolly Parton’s Dixie Stampede.

When called for comment, Republican minority leader Tom Cross admitted he was unaware of majority party travel plans.

“We don’t matter. We have no power or say-so in the affairs of Illinois,” said Cross. “But leave it to Emperor Mike (Madigan) to find a way to make the GOP even less relevant.”

Cross continued, “They don’t need us for quorum, so they can hold session in an Arkansas bowling alley if they want. I wish I were invited to the party, but that only happens if they need me to sign on to legislation detrimental to Illinois families, so it looks like a bipartisan whacking.”

Business and local government leaders have sent a letter to Attorney General Lisa Madigan (daughter and apprentice of the Emperor) demanding she take legal action to bring back the Democratic legislature.

“My office doesn’t investigate or take legal action against Illinois Democrats, especially those from Cook County,” said Ms. Madigan. “I’m sure this is all part of my daddy’s plan to make me governor next year. At that time I will unveil my economic blueprint to make Illinois solvent by the year 2112.”

It is unknown where the Democratic truck convoy will ultimately end up. Sources tell Schmuck Weekly that Madigan himself is traveling in a vehicle disguised as a Marshall Tucker Band tour truck. Limited-government advocacy groups are applauding the Democrats’ decision to get out of Dodge.

“It’s not like they had any intention of making Illinois whole again,” said Richard Goldstein, President of Why Does Illinois Suck Project. “The only hope Illinois residents have is moving to a state that isn’t Illinois or getting the bums out of Springfield. It appears one of the options has come to fruition.”

President Carter angry over Tsarnaev medical care

Former President Jimmy Carter is publicly condemning the treatment of alleged Boston bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. The 39th occupant of the Oval Office is displeased that Tsarnaev, a Muslim, is being detained at a Jewish hospital that has the word “Israel” in its name.

 “It’s a shame that a Muslim is being forced to receive medical care by some of the finest Jewish doctors in the world,” said Carter. “It’s inhumane that Dzhokhar has to recover in a building associated with Israel.  Fortunately, however, he will not be forced to leave a tip since he has already been circumcised.”  The alleged terrorist is recovering at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston. The alleged hotbed of Zionist hostilities serves as the main teaching facility for the Harvard Medical School. Numerous Progressive organizations and Hollywood activists are joining Mr. Carter in their call to have Tsarnaev rescued from arguably the finest hospital in the United States. 

Alarmed by Tsarnaev’s request to speak to a rabbi, the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) has filed an injunction against the hospital to prevent Tsarnaev from receiving any further transfusions of Jewish blood.

“The superior medical care Dzhokhar is receiving serves as another example of the United States doing Israel’s dirty work,” said Code Pink spokesperson Ima Betch. “We will not sit idly by as this young man is shamed by the fact that his life is being saved by Jewish doctors and the Zionist money that funds this despicable life-saving institution.”

Former President Jimmy Carter is the inspiration for Schmuck Weekly.

Former President Jimmy Carter is the inspiration for Schmuck Weekly.

Carter and Code Pink were joined at a press conference by U.S. Representatives Keith Ellison (MN) and Sheila Jackson Lee (TX), who recently co-sponsored the pending backpack registry legislation. Also joining the list of schmucks was Hollywood director and buffet aficionado Michael Moore, as well as Venezuela’s newest citizens, Danny Glover and Sean Penn.

Carter addressed the press conference accompanied by representatives from MSNBC, New York Times, Al Jazeera and Alex Jones.

“Israel’s apartheid has made its way to the United States,” Carter told a crowd of six. “It’s bad enough the Jewish state offers the finest medical care in the world to Palestinians and Arab Israelis. Now they have infiltrated our medical institutions – bringing the same humanitarian ideals to hospitals managed and financed by Jews.”

Carter continued, “Today, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev owes his life to a Jewish medical institution. The shame he will live with is unbearable. Federal authorities should have been courteous enough to find a Saudi or Pakistani doctor to treat Dzhokhar at a facility that didn’t have a mezuzah on every doorpost or a Star of David over each bed. The world is watching, and what they see is a nation conspiring with Israel to offer the finest medical care to our enemies. For shame!

Nanny Bloomberg wins 2013 Schmuck of the year so far

Earlier today the conclave of Schmuck Weekly staffers gathered in a smoke-filled room to tally up the votes for 2013 Schmuck of the year so far. We considered the results from the online poll, Facebook page and emails submitted by readers. As we gathered with our 32-ounce cups of sugar-laden soda and legally purchased firearms, it was obvious before the count was finalized who the biggest schmuck of 2013 is.

With just over 51 percent of the total vote, Schmuck Weekly extends a heartfelt “Mazel Tov” to New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg – winner of the 2013 Schmuck of the year so far.

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“Only in America could an elitist billionaire, a true schmuck, wake up one morning and say to himself, ‘I think I’m going to outlaw Coca-Cola, because I can manage people’s lives better than they can,’ ” remarked Schmuck Weekly publisher Paulie. “Nanny Bloomberg truly exemplifies what it means to be a schmuck, and we offer him our congratulations.”

Finishing in second place was the comedy team of President Barack Obama and Speaker John Boehner. Their inept leadership earned them enough votes to qualify for second place. Better luck next time. Surprising third place finisher was Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel. His nomination hearings validated the public’s perception that most politicians are mentally challenged. Bringing up the rear were the “enlarged prostate twins” Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham, who tend to deserve schmuck honors every time they open up their mouths. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu finished a distant fifth. His recent ass-kissing of Turkey earned him a surprising nomination and raised concerns that his body may have been infiltrated by the ghost of Neville Chamberlain. The Schmuck staff regrets that Bibi didn’t tell  Turkey to stuff it, but wishes him well nevertheless.

Mayor Bloomberg’s victory earned him a nomination in the 2013 Schmuck of the year awards. More schmuck winners will rise to the surface, or rather sink to the bottom, every quarter, so keep reading and opining, and tell your friends about the best political and popular culture satire on that internet thingy.

Congressional Progressive Caucus heads to Cyprus for economic lessons

Members of the Congressional Progressive Caucus (CPC) will be heading to Cyprus next week to learn the art of stealing the people’s money. Last week the island nation that nobody can locate on a map resolved its current economic crisis by emptying the bank accounts of its citizenry. The action of the Cypriot government is receiving praise from big government elitists across the globe.

“Finally someone had the guts to do the right thing and just take the money sitting in the bank,” said Congresswoman Jan Schakowsky (D-IL). “Government knows better than the people. Let us intellectuals run your life and I’m sure you will be better off.”

Schakowsky, who just returned from Venezuela after attending the funeral of Hugo Chavez, will be joined in Cyprus by fellow representatives Keith Ellison (D-MN), Sheila Jackson-Lee (D-TX), Jim Moran (D-VA) and Jim McDermott (D-WA). The Cypriot government’s new economic advisory committee, Federal Underwriters Coalition for Keynesian Economic Measures (FUCKEM), will host the U.S. contingent and demonstrate how the FUCKEM principles can be implemented in the U.S.

“I can’t wait to learn the new FUCKEM method,” said Sheila Jackson-Lee. “I’ve considered FUCKEM policies in the past, but Republicans and many of my Democratic colleagues think FUCKEM is wrong. I disagree and look forward to making FUCKEM universally accepted in Washington.”

Currently the U.S. debt is north of $16 trillion. According to budgetary experts at the accounting firm of Goldstein, Horowitz and Murphy, implementing the Cypriot solution in the United States would bring the debt down to just south of $16 trillion.

When asked about the negligible impact, Mrs. Schakowsky retorted, “We have no intention of ever resolving the debt crisis! We are just looking for a new method of achieving equality by   procuring the hard-earned money of successful folks in order to redistribute the funds until we can secure control of Congress, enabling us to pass real tax reform, you know, tax hikes on everyone earning above minimum wage.”

The CPC will be in Cyprus for three days and then will travel to the Gaza Strip in a show of   solidarity with the Palestinians, culminating in a ceremonial rocket launching at the Israeli city of Sderot.

Catholics fear Biden’s trip to Rome

Whether he is downplaying the severity of abusing women with a “garden-variety slap across the face,” or telling a crowd of African Americans that Republicans are “going to put y’all back in chains,” Vice President Joe Biden can always be counted on to say something inappropriate and offensive at the worst possible moment. For this reason Catholics across the United States are voicing their concerns that Mr. Biden will be representing our nation at the upcoming installation of Pope Francis in Rome.

“What genius thought it was a good idea to send Joe Biden to Rome for this holy moment?” quipped Catholic League spokesman Patrick Daley. “I would be more comfortable sending a football coach with Tourette syndrome to meet the Holy Father than a complete idiot.”

Vice President Joe Biden explains to a crowd why he is mentally challenged.

Vice President Joe Biden explains to a crowd why he is mentally challenged.

Some in the Catholic community believe the decision to send Biden to Rome is part of a larger plan – conspiracy – to embarrass church leaders who have voiced their concerns regarding Obamacare.

“Nobody in their right mind would send a buffoon to this milestone moment in history unless there was an agenda attached to the decision,” asserted Chicago Catholic Richard Callahan. “This was going to be a wonderful St. Patrick’s Day, but instead of enjoying lively spirits, Catholics will be drinking heavily to drown their fears over the debacle that will be unleashed in Rome.”

A member of President Obama’s “social welfare” organization Organizing for America, speaking on condition of anonymity, told Schmuck Weekly, “If we believed in God we’d be praying for the vice president to f*ck up. After the installation we are going to start our new fundraising campaign ‘Shut Crazy Uncle Joe Up!’”

The spokesman continued, “We are going to sell T-shirts, bumper stickers, mugs and our featured product will be a Crazy Uncle Joe muzzle. Conservatives don’t know how to turn lemons into Limoncello – We do!”

Illinois government credit card declined at Papa John’s

This past Friday, Americans awoke to a giddy media touting the news that Americans have abandoned all hope of finding a job and unemployment had dropped to 7.7 percent. Back in Illinois the unemployment figures felt like a sharp dagger in the back as out of work Illinoisans climbed from 8.7 to 9.0 percent. But for the Democratic machine it gets worse…much worse.

Schmuck Weekly sources have confirmed that last week Illinois Governor Pat Quinn attempted to buy pizza and bread sticks for his staff during a late night work session and the state-issued Visa card was “declined!”

“Some guy named Jack ordered four large pizzas and two orders of breadsticks and gave us a state-issued credit card. That thing was rejected quicker than my application to Lincoln Land Community College,” recalled Papa John employee Brad. “Gov. Quinn himself was then driven to our store in that short yellow bus he rides around in and paid cash for the food.”

As word got out about this potentially humiliating situation for Illinois lawmakers, businesses in the Springfield area went into panic mode.

“How will my customers pay for their massage and special stress release treatment?” wondered Suk Li, owner of HJ Massage Parlor. “My business will go the way of the state, in the crapper, if state credit cards can’t be used for the services of my girls, I mean masseuses.”

The declined credit card came as no surprise toJudy Baar Topinka, Republican Judy Baar Topinka.

“Darlings, what do you expect? The last time this state paid a bill on time, George Bush was president and I’m referring to the first one,” laughed Topinka. “I have seven billion dollars in unpaid bills on my desk and another three billion that haven’t reached my desk. Despite what Gov. Quinn thinks, the bill-fairy won’t pay these debts.”

Topinka added, “A business in Illinois is better off extending credit to a crack-whore than the government. At least crack addicts can get clean, get a job and pay their bills. Gov. Quinn and Speaker Madigan sold the public on tax hikes to pay back bills. That was B.S. then, and now we see the money never reached debtors. Instead, it went straight to the public employee unions. So who would you rather trust: a crack-whore or a political-whore? The latter has a sponsor –public employee unions and Speaker Madigan – folks not interested in solvency.”

A spokesman for Bankcard Services confirmed that all state-issued credit accounts have been designated N.F.W (No F*cking Way).

“We regret having to cut off the State of Illinois, but our accountants concluded that with the 28 percent interest rate the state pays, coupled with the monthly late-payment penalty fee for every payment since 2003, and only minimum disbursements made, we figure Illinois will have settled its credit card debt by the year 2119.”

Sith Lord Michael Madigan and his mentally challenged puppet Patrick

Sith Lord Michael Madigan and his mentally challenged puppet Patrick

Illinois House Speaker Michael Madigan, asked to comment on the spokesman’s dire calculations, responded that “we have secured the future of the bankcard industry into the 22nd century. Pay-to-play politics in Illinois is working. Our out-of-control spending and anti-business environment is creating lucrative jobs for our union friends and offers incentives for regular Illinoisans to move to a more prosperous state. I don’t understand what the problem is.”

Hell welcomes Chavez: Hollywood unhappy with eternal damnation

Detroit – As Hugo Chavez was taking his last breath, preparations for his arrival in Hell were underway to welcome the deceased dictator – murderer – torturer – piece of shit. Satan himself left his earthly dwelling – currently Cairo – to personally welcome Chavez and offer the ceremonial greeting of hot coals shoved up the anal cavity while being forced to listen to Barbara Streisand’s Oscar performance played in an endless loop.

“I don’t get down here that often anymore. It’s hot, I shvitz a lot, but it’s not that often that we get a true celebrity scumbag down here, so I made the trip,” remarked Satan. “Hugo is special. He tortured his enemies, fixed elections, supported terrorism, murdered thousands and harbors a special hatred for Jews. He truly embodies what Hell is about.”

Hugo Chavez with his favorite Hollywood Bitch!

Hugo Chavez with his favorite Hollywood Bitch!

But within hours of Chavez’s arrival in the underworld, rumors began surfacing that Chavez was unhappy with his accommodations and deeply saddened that a retinue of world renowned purveyors of evil, his personal idols, hadn’t shown up to welcome him.

“He was hoping to be greeted by his heroes; Simon Bolivar, Osama Bin-Laden, Che Guevara, Karl Marx and Muppet creator Frank Oz,” noted underworld spokesman Yasser Arafat. “But on   Tuesdays we serve cake (devil’s food), and unless you are one of the first 200 million in the chow line, you will miss out.”

Prior to his death, Chavez had spoken to future Hell resident Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who assured his friend that his life’s work would merit 72 virgins in paradise. Unfortunately for Chavez, the virgins available to him are not celibate by choice and “paradise” smells like Michael Moore’s bathroom after a chili binge.

Back on earth, Chavez supporters held a rally demanding that their hero be granted access to the Kingdom of Heaven.

“Hugo knew that every great revolution and viable government begins by eliminating voices of dissention,” commented actor Sean Penn. “So he murdered and tortured a few folks. Did you see any of my movies with Madonna or “At Close Range”? Those films tortured audiences and stole their money. Is what he did any worse?”

Chavez’s close friend director Oliver Stone added, “I mourn a great hero to the majority of his people, and so what if the minority were tortured, imprisoned and often executed! That is how equality becomes reality. Look at Joseph Stalin and Mao Tse-Tung. Maybe we need a revolution in heaven.”

According to the Hollywood Reporter, actors Tim Robbins and Danny Glover, distraught over Chavez’s demise, are currently on suicide watch.  But sources tell Schmuck Weekly that Robbins’ depression may be based on the fact that he is married to Susan Sarandon.

Schmuck Update: Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon never married. There public relationship only seemed like a never-ending torturous saga (marriage). Schmuck Weekly apologizes for the mistake. Good chance it will happen again.