Archive for Paulie

Obamacare offers free dental insurance to hockey players

A recent review of the Affordable Care Act conducted by Schmuck Weekly interns reveals a program geared toward hockey players that could bankrupt the nation.

Somewhere between pages 9861 and 10,312 of the regulations, Obamacare offers hockey players of all ages the option of free dental care. Unfortunately for current and future NHL stars, athletes opting for this coverage are required to sign up for the program on the ACA website, which is reportedly working as well as gun control in Chicago. But if the president honors his pledge to fix the website by the end of November (stop laughing), the number of individuals in need of major dental work who are predicted to sign up and receive taxpayer-funded dental implants, bridges and nitrous oxide treatments for depression associated with sucking at hockey, could render the program impotent, coincidentally like hockey players who play without a cup.Hockey Teeth

A look at major contributors to the Obama 2008 and 2012 presidential campaigns reveals that top fashion designers and modeling agencies bundled millions of dollars for the president and they are not hiding from the payback they are receiving.

“Hockey players are so fit and trim, with gorgeous bulging muscles. But their teeth are atrocious,” said fashion designer Phat (Bil-ee). “Now they will have beautiful mouths and we can tap these players to serve as models in our catalogs and on the catwalk – on the catwalk.”

Schmuck Weekly is seeking a response from the White House, but all emails have been bounced back due to inoperable internet communications.

Backpack registry legislation proposed

In the wake of the Boston Marathon attacks, elected officials are scrambling to come up with a knee-jerk reaction that will make no one safer, cause great inconvenience, and expand government bureaucracy.

Texas Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee and Illinois Rep. Jan Schakowsky are proposing legislation that will create a national backpack registry to help prevent another Boston tragedy and to enhance their image as being complete idiots.

Sheila Jackson-Lee pauses to find an intelligent thought. Comes up empty.

Sheila Jackson-Lee pauses to find an intelligent thought. Comes up empty.

“Stop blaming the terrorists,” proclaimed Lee. “We are a society that allows backpacks to get into the hands of criminals. Backpack laws are non-existent. We permit children to buy backpacks and allow them to bring them into schools. Do you really think they intend to put books in those bags?”

The proposal creates a national backpack registry that will track sales of all carriers that have a harness. Purchasers must be at least 21 years of age and will be required to register with the state by obtaining a carrier registration approval permit (CRAP). The CRAP card must be presented upon purchasing a harness-style carrier, followed by a five-day waiting period during which time the government will run your CRAP.  Upon approval, the purchaser may take possession.

“Evil lurks inside these bags of destruction,” said Schakowsky. “We are also proposing that the carriers be limited in size. Why do people need bags that can carry more than a laptop computer or a small poodle? It’s not like people carry food, water, sleeping bags and tents in backpacks anymore.”

While the bill does have its critics, many began stabbing themselves in the eye when they learned of the proposal; it is also gaining momentum in Progressive circles.

“This proposal is fabulous,” remarked Rep. Barney Frank (MA). “Let’s face it, people are cruel and stupid. We need a bigger and more intrusive government to protect us from ourselves. I don’t even trust me. I don’t know where I’ve been.”

The legislation if approved would forbid all backpacks from entering schools, being present on college campuses.

“I can’t think of a more imminent threat to education than a backpack,” said Schakowsky. “Once we cure society of this menace, we will establish a congressional oversight committee to study weapons-grade crockpots and pressure cookers.”

Who is the biggest “Schmuck” of 2013 so far?

We are taking nominations for our first Schmuck of the month poll. In honor of March Madness, we are expanding the nominees to include anyone who you think has behaved like a schmuck the first part of 2013. Please submit your nominee on the Schmuck Weekly Facebook page or email: paulie@schmuckweekly.com with your biggest “Schmuck” of 2013 so far.

Finalists will be announced on Thursday.

So many schmucks, so little time.

CCI01052013_0000 (496x640)

Schmuck Weekly Publisher

 

Rand Paul filibuster angers old white guys with enlarged prostates

Republican Senator Rand Paul (KY) has become a “rock star” in the GOP. The 50 year-old ophthalmologist is being touted as a candidate for the White House in 2016 and his hairstyle is the focus of the new “Don’t drink and cut your hair” campaign. With Paul’s star on the rise, he is running up against egos and envy courtesy of the old men of the GOP.

After a 13-hour filibuster that may have caused serious damage to Paul’s bladder, the Kentucky senator was learning how badly he pissed off the Republican hierarchy.

“These Libertarian kids are loud and obnoxious. Their minds have been corrupted by those Atari video games and Dan Fogelberg music,” said Sen. John McCain (R-AZ). “The country has done fine under our watch. America must trust the people that got us into this mess to get us out of it.”

John McCain and Lindsey Graham plotting how they want to bitch-slap Rand Paul

John McCain and Lindsey Graham plotting how they want to bitch-slap Rand Paul

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham also offered some choice words for the freshman senator and his GOP colleagues that joined the filibuster fun – demanding an answer to the question, “Does the president have the authority to use a weaponized drone to kill an American not engaged in combat on American soil if the individual either looks like Ted Nugent or his name is Muhammad?”

“I do not believe that question deserves an answer,” said Graham. “What has the government ever done, especially this administration, to make Americans think they should fear for their safety? It’s not like the administration is trying to take away your Second Amendment rights.”

Schmuck Weekly tried reaching McCain for further comment, but the 76 year-old senator does not return calls after enjoying the 4:30 early bird senior special. No attempt was made by SW to contact Graham because nobody cares what he thinks.

Who’d Figure: Bob Woodward exposing White House lies

Two Presidents who are not fond of Bob Woodward.

Two Presidents who are not fond of Bob Woodward.

Crazy right-wing “journalist” Bob Woodward is at it again. The Washington Post reporter who,  with the help of some Jewish guy whose name escapes me, took down the Nixon administration nearly forty years ago, is using his conservative agenda to embarrass President Barack Obama.

Woodward has been on the forefront of clarifying that the sequestration idea came from the White House, that the president personally approved the plan and later signed it into law. The veteran Washington Post reporter is resorting to a ploy that many of today’s journalists aren’t familiar with – facts.

“Of course Bob Woodward has the facts on his side. He is a real – old guard – reporter,” said White House press secretary James Carney. “But the administration doesn’t work with facts and neither does anyone else in Washington. Mr. Woodward is from a school of thought that no longer exists.”

Woodward’s Journalism 101 tactics were exposed in October 2012 when he revealed in his book “The Price of Politics” that he actually got his information from senior White House officials Jack Lew, Director of the Office of Management and Budget; and Rob Nabors, Director of Legislative Affairs (no relation to Gomer Pyle). Lew and Nabors took the proposal to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid who presented it to Congress.

According to Media Matters Press Secretary Jess Levin, “Woodward is engaging in the outdated practices of research and investigative journalism. Real journalists understand that what matters is promoting Progressive ideals and the cause of centralization. The truth is a moot point, so the only logical conclusion is that Woodward is a racist.”

In an interview with CNN, Woodward said he was threatened by an anonymous senior Obama adviser by the name of Gene Sperling, Director of the National Economic Council at the White House, that he would “regret” writing an article arguing that Obama had “moved the goalposts” in negotiations over how to reduce our nation’s $845 billion budget deficit.

Incredulous that the administration would ever bully anyone, the CNN host became violently ill. Schmuck Weekly cannot confirm, but when it was revealed that former Clinton administration senior advisor Lanny Davis also received threats from the Obama White House, the aforementioned host reportedly imploded inside a New York City deli. Details remain sketchy and messy.

Schmuck Weekly will continue to update this story as the racist, right-wing extremist Woodward perseveres in his fact-driven crusade for the truth.

Go “Frack” Yourself!

As the debate over hydraulic fracturing (fracking) continues to make headlines across the country, a recent poll conducted by Schmuck Weekly’s Analysis & Hacking Of Laughable Excrement department (A*HOLE) in conjunction with the Ditka Polling Company surveyed 800 likely voters on how they perceive the issue.

“The results are shocking,” observed pollster Michael Ditka. “People have no opinion about fracking – they are clueless about the debate. The average schmuck on the street just likes saying the word.”

Ninety-one percent of likely voters offered no opinion about the issue.  Five percent thought that hydraulic fracturing referred to a bone injury sustained while bathing or swimming. The remaining four percent being a moot point, A*HOLE added an additional polling question:

“Do you just like saying the word “fracking”?

Ninety-five percent of all respondents admitted enjoying saying the word “fracking.” Even the six percent of respondents who support the idea of hydraulic fracturing indicated that they love to debate the issue just for the opportunity to say “fracking.”

The three percent opposed to the procedure, when asked the question about enjoyment from simply uttering the word, told the interviewer to “go frack himself.”

“This is very concerning,” said environmentalist and Schmuck Weekly inspiration Al Gore. Speaking from his private jet enroute to Qatar, Gore told an A*HOLE investigator, “Americans are fracking stupid about the environment. Fracking isn’t a fracking joke. It’s about cheaper gasoline, providing well-paying jobs and obstructing my funding from Arab oil empires. How will I be able to save the planet if I don’t have oil money to finance my efforts?”

Gore may find some relief stemming from the “sequester” debate. Ditka polling conducted an independent survey finding that citizens, especially young people, are fascinated with the word “sequester.”

“Similar to ‘fracking,’ the word ‘sequester’ is also a fun word to say,” according to Ditka. “It’s often used in the bedroom, and decorum prevents me from elaborating. We are also seeing a number of newborn females named ‘Sequester,’ especially in the southern and New England states. There is a very good chance it may make the top ten list of names for 2013.”

The popularity of the words could have a permanent impact on society. Purdue University’s School of Engineering is considering formation of a separate institution dedicated to its hydraulic fracturing program, to be known as Frack University (FU) or Frack U for short.  But if the Obama administration has its way, the sequester will be used to say “Frack you” to the new school.

 

Post Office guarantees customers won’t get laid

Americans love to look good. As a society we are very particular about our clothes – designers – whose style and reputation are a reflection of who we are as individuals. So nothing says I’m slow, tardy, boring and don’t do shit on weekends like sporting gear from the United States Postal Service.

This past week the USPS announced plans to launch a new line of all-weather apparel and accessories that is sure to guarantee that customers wearing the “cutting edge of functional fashion” won’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of having sex ever again. Dolce & Gabbana co-creator Stefano Gabbana went as far as to say, “If society is looking to guarantee someone stay a virgin by offering the ultimate turn-off to the opposite sex – wearing clothes that scream, Is that a stamp in your pants or are you just happy to see me? – that day has arrived.”  The line has received the official endorsement of the Catholic Archdiocese as a permissible form of birth control.

Isaac Crawford, CEO of Wahconah Group, Inc., offers a much different perspective. In a recent interview with ABC News, Crawford addressed the two sides of the clothing line:  “One side represents the legacy, the romanticism of the postal service, the idea that they started the same time that the country did.”

Schmuck Weekly’s Analysis & Hacking Of Laughable Excrement department (A*HOLE), in conjunction with the Ditka Polling Company, surveyed 300 college cheerleaders to see if the “romanticism of the postal service” would make them more or less attracted to men wearing USPS gear.

17% said they would consider it if he could do their math and science homework.

67% said they would rather be dead.

16% began stabbing themselves in the eye once they heard the question.

The survey also asked 300 college basketball players if they would consider dating a woman wearing USPS apparel.

91% said yes, as long as she has big boobs.

4% snapped their finger and said, “no way, Girlfriend.”

5% said yes, as long has she has really big boobs.

A*HOLE determined that men would be better off investing in an online Nigerian banking opportunity than buying anything related to the USPS line. There was limited impact on women regarding the opinion of the opposite sex; however, their female peers would refuse to be seen with them in public.

The virgin and bitch-slap lines of apparel from the USPS are due just in time to ruin Valentine’s Day 2014.

Gay rights group fights marriage equality

Chicago – A growing minority in the homosexual community have taken a position on gay marriage that is causing a hissy fit amongst Progressive activists and Humanistic churches in Chicago, San Francisco and Washington D.C. Gays Against Gay Marriage (GAGM) is a new non-profit organization created by homosexual activists who disagree with the idea that gay marriage must be recognized by the government.

“If I want government in my bedroom I can attend the Republicans National Convention and hook up with numerous elected officials or presidential candidates,” said GAGM spokesman, Bruce Weiner. “I thought the whole idea behind gay pride was the freedom to live our lives free of persecution and the need to be recognized by a bunch of closeted hypocrites. Suddenly we want our lifestyle recognized by the government. What am I missing?”

GAGM has found a strange bedfellow in the traditional marriage organization Friends Against Gay Marriage (FAGM). The Salt Lake City based group has raised over $1 million dollars for GAGM in hopes they can help gag pro-gay marriage voices. FAGM intends to cough up more funds for GAGM on the back-end of the upcoming political cycle.

Opposing GAGM and their backers is a new initiative supported and funded by former President Bill Clinton’s Clinton Foundation. The Alliance for Marriage Equality believes that sexual orientation plays no role in who can and cannot get married.

“Why should only straight-people have to suffer,” said a foundation spokesman who asked to remain anonymous. “If homosexuals want to be chained at the hip to an angry cold-hearted spouse who only says ‘are you done yet’ during sex, then they should endure the same pain as heterosexuals.”

The spokesman continued, “Marriage equality is the civil rights issue of this century. If straight folks are pressured to forgo their fame and popularity – forced to turn down the advances of a 19-year old intern – because our sexually corrupt society demands its – then gays must abide by the same rules of morality.”

Israeli-Palestinian peace talks needn’t include Jews

Washington D.C. – For nearly a month, Secretary of State John Kerry has been advocating the resumption of peace talks between Israel and the Palestinian Authority, now insisting they “must take place next month.” Kerry went as far as to tell the Sunday morning talk shows that PA President Mahmoud Abbas has agreed to a date for the summit, and Kerry was awaiting Israel’s response.

Schmuck Weekly’s Analysis & Hacking Of Laughable Excrement department (A*HOLE) has uncovered emails between Kerry and Abbas indicating the PA’s demand that the talks take place the week of March 25. Kerry informed Abbas that this would conflict with the Jewish observance of Passover.  Abbas, plagued by an outbreak of head lice and laryngitis due to a frog in his throat, replied that time and again, Arab overtures entreating Israel for peaceful, harmonious Arab-Israeli coexistence have been brutally struck down by Israel’s slavish refusal to let their Judaism go.

“Mr. Secretary, I told your predecessor what I am telling you now, that we will happily recognize and make peace with Israel as long as there are no Jews within their borders. Therefore this Zionist holiday you speak of is merely a pyramid scheme having no bearing on the date of the summit, as no Jews will be part of any legitimate Israel,” wrote Abbas. “Please tell your wife I am thinking of her and will never forget the way she taught me how to truly enjoy steak sauce.”

The A*HOLE investigation uncovered Kerry’s response in an email sent to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

“Bibi:  Abbas desperately wants to hold the talks the week of the 25th. He said something about a prostate exam the week before and a guest appearance on ‘Dancing with the Stars’ the week after. May I suggest sending a non-Jewish delegation – Muslims, if I may be so bold? Think of the brownie points you’ll score with the Arab world.”

When asked about Kerry’s unwillingness to be forthcoming with the Israeli Prime Minister, J-Street President Jeremy Ben-Ami took the opportunity praise Abbas and his desire for peace.

“The email clearly reflects Abbas’ willingness to recognize and make peace with Israel.”

When asked about the precondition that Israel be free of Jews, Ben-Ami dismissed Abbas’ demand as a “standard negotiating tactic,” expressing confidence that the Arab world will allow   a few Jews to remain in Israel, especially those in the medical community, which is credited with saving countless Arab lives and circumcising them under sterile conditions, although the International Court of Justice at the Hague has charged the Jewish medical establishment with gender discrimination for refusing to circumcise females.

The J-Street founder reiterated his call for Jews in Israel, in the interest of tikkun olam (repairing the world), to stop procreating and to quit installing backyard swimming pools as they will have no place in a future safe and secure Israel.