Archive for Schmuck

Press furious, blame Obama for their skyrocketing health care costs

Screams of rage could be heard along Lexington Avenue. Cursing was the predominant sound along 8th. Such verbal abuse and colorful language may be commonplace in New York City, but amongst the elitist newsmen – the beautiful people – the best Manhattan has to offer sounded like football fans at a Bears/Packers game on this cold October day. The New York press corps had  just received their health insurance notices.

ObamacomputerThe first reports of concern surfaced via Twitter outside the New York Times building.

“Sounds like a horse is being tortured inside NYT building. Chair slammed against window. #wellbeingcheck #needadrink” – @alecbaldwin

“I think I hear @NYTimesDowd getting a Brazilian. Lambs being slaughtered inside NYT building. #nosugardrinks #hatefatpeople” – @mayormike

Democrats and anti-Israel activists were relieved to learn everyone was safe and unharmed inside the NYT offices when journalists began tweeting the cause of their terror.

“WTF Obama! My premiums just shot up higher than the national debt. What is a 6K deductible? #obamacaresux #needahug” – @pkrugman

“Botox not covered. Premiums higher than me on Thursdays. May have to start shopping at Sears.  #needadrink #teapartyright” – @nygail

Similar cries were evident on social media outside the offices of Bloomberg News and the New York bureau of the Boston Globe.

“Haven’t heard cursing in Yiddish that profane since before Uncle Nate died. Anger inside Bloomberg News offices. #workplaceviolence #asianhappyending” – @larrydavis

“Sounds like a Kennedy ran out of whiskey inside the @bostonglobe building. #call911” – @carlosdanger

Schmuck Weekly was able to obtain comment that confirmed the Obamacare reality that struck the journalism world on Thursday.

“We have been promoting this program as heaven sent, the cure for the nation’s ills,” said New York Times columnist Paul Dowd. “But my premium shot up so much my children may have to attend public school – with minorities.”

Schmuck Weekly will continue tracking the developing Obamacare nightmare that is ravaging the journalism community. We will notify our readers if any children of these media elitists will become classmates of your kids.  For the latest on home-schooling laws in your state, keep it here or follow us @SchmuckWeekly.

James Carney caught in airport bathroom with Sgt. Schultz

Baltimore – Mired in multiple scandals, the Obama administration suffered yet another blow Tuesday afternoon when the Associated Press reported that White House press secretary James Carney was caught receiving media advice in an airport men’s room from world renowned incompetent Sgt. Hans Schultz.

AP reporter Reggie Goldstein was transferring planes at Baltimore–Washington International Airport when he noticed Carney entering a men’s room. Knowing that his bosses are still trying to get answers from the White House about the federal government’s seizure of AP phone records, Goldstein followed Carney into the men’s room, only to encounter Carney and Schultz embracing and going into a stall. Naturally assuming homosexual activity, Goldstein made his way to the exit, when he began to hear conversation.

James Carney receiving press advice from Sgt. Schultz

James Carney receiving press advice from Sgt. Schultz

“Carney was obviously crying – hysterically – begging Schultz to tell him what to say,” explained Goldstein. “The press secretary whined to Schultz that ‘the press wasn’t supposed to ask real questions and do real investigative journalism. They love Barack!  They kiss my ass!  We are supposed to govern free of accountability! Doesn’t everyone get their news from the Daily Show?’ ”

Goldstein told Schmuck Weekly that before Schultz could speak, Carney rambled on about   various options in order to evade the truth.

“We can blame Bush! Oh wait, better yet, we can blame Cheney for Benghazi,” exclaimed   Carney. “Maybe we can change the timeline and convince everyone the attack occurred on September 11, 2008 instead of 2012. I wonder if we can get the American people to believe that Bush and Cheney worked with Al Qaeda to orchestrate the attack. I’m sure we can photo-shop a picture of Bush setting the compound on fire. MSNBC will certainly get that image out to their 27 viewers.”

The AP reporter said he sat outside the stall, wishing these guys would start sending gay signals by tapping their feet, but no such luck. “I continued to listen to the mouthpiece of the President plot to deceive the public and bounce ideas of a fictional television character that passed away thirty years ago,” said Goldstein.

The most surprising development from the toilet talk was Carney’s admission that after 5:00 PM Washington time on September 11, Obama was not playing basketball, ignoring the Benghazi developments, as claimed by conservative pundits.

“He was with me playing Super Mario Brothers on an old Nintendo game system we found in the White House attic that used to belong to Bill Clinton.”

The one-sided conversation between Carney and Schultz finally turned silent, with the press secretary imploring Schultz to tell him what he should say, in what sounded like a “whimpering whisper.”

At that moment, Schultz bellowed, “I know nothing!”

Reader Poll: Who’s more Schmuckworthy: Sheila Jackson Lee or her constituency?

Do Americans get the government they deserve? It’s hard to argue that we don’t, since the citizenry often votes for the incompetent and corrupt, election after election. You’ve heard of Illinois and California, right?

Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-TX) pauses to find an intelligent thought. Comes up empty.

Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-TX) pauses to find an intelligent thought. Comes up empty.

Yesterday it was revealed that the shame and pain of Texas, Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-18), went on a whirlwind trip in February that cost you and me $23,646. The ten-term incumbent, who has never been reelected without at least 70 percent of the vote, is notorious for her extensive jet setting and eyewitness accounts of her elitist condescension toward plane crews and passengers.

But is it Lee’s fault that John Q. Public got stuck with an exorbitant travel bill? Or are her constituents to blame for sending her back to Washington every two years?

Make your case in the Comment section and vote in our exclusive online reader poll.

Who is a bigger schmuck?

View Results

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2013 Schmuck of the year so far nominees

Schmuck Weekly is proud, more like ashamed, to announce the 2013 Schmuck of the year so far nominees. Readers were asked to submit the name of the individual they feel truly met the definition of “Schmuck” during the first quarter of 2013. We received the names of politicians, Hollywood celebrities, world leaders and many groups and combinations of individuals. Most submissions included rationales, so the Schmuck Weekly staff made the decision to take into the account the reasons individuals cited for their favorite Schmuck (s).

Your 2013 Schmuck of the year so far nominees are (no particular order):

1.      Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu

Kissing Turkey’s ass isn’t going over well with supporters of the Jewish State.

2.      New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg

America’s Nanny is as popular as a fat chick with facial hair and a cold sore.

3.      Republican Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham

Readers fear the enlarged prostates of these GOP dinosaurs.

4.      Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel

After his confirmation hearing most Americans are convinced he takes a short yellow bus to work and leaves 15 minutes before everyone else.

5.      President Barack Obama and Speaker John Boehner

These two are about as likely to create economic growth as the Muslim Brotherhood advocating for gay rights.

 

What are you waiting for? Go cast your vote for the 2013 Schmuck of the year so far.

Jesse Jackson Jr.: Making bad decisions from the start

Pew of Schmucks!  Rev. Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson Jr. and Min. Louis Farrakhan

Pew of Schmucks! Rev. Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson Jr. and Min. Louis Farrakhan

Nothing says “I’m a piece shit” like sitting in a church pew with a poverty pimp and a world renown anti-Semite.
Seriously Junior, what the f*ck made you say, “Yo Al and Louie save me a seat.”