In the wake of the Boston Marathon attacks, elected officials are scrambling to come up with a knee-jerk reaction that will make no one safer, cause great inconvenience, and expand government bureaucracy.
Texas Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee and Illinois Rep. Jan Schakowsky are proposing legislation that will create a national backpack registry to help prevent another Boston tragedy and to enhance their image as being complete idiots.
“Stop blaming the terrorists,” proclaimed Lee. “We are a society that allows backpacks to get into the hands of criminals. Backpack laws are non-existent. We permit children to buy backpacks and allow them to bring them into schools. Do you really think they intend to put books in those bags?”
The proposal creates a national backpack registry that will track sales of all carriers that have a harness. Purchasers must be at least 21 years of age and will be required to register with the state by obtaining a carrier registration approval permit (CRAP). The CRAP card must be presented upon purchasing a harness-style carrier, followed by a five-day waiting period during which time the government will run your CRAP. Upon approval, the purchaser may take possession.
“Evil lurks inside these bags of destruction,” said Schakowsky. “We are also proposing that the carriers be limited in size. Why do people need bags that can carry more than a laptop computer or a small poodle? It’s not like people carry food, water, sleeping bags and tents in backpacks anymore.”
While the bill does have its critics, many began stabbing themselves in the eye when they learned of the proposal; it is also gaining momentum in Progressive circles.
“This proposal is fabulous,” remarked Rep. Barney Frank (MA). “Let’s face it, people are cruel and stupid. We need a bigger and more intrusive government to protect us from ourselves. I don’t even trust me. I don’t know where I’ve been.”
The legislation if approved would forbid all backpacks from entering schools, being present on college campuses.
“I can’t think of a more imminent threat to education than a backpack,” said Schakowsky. “Once we cure society of this menace, we will establish a congressional oversight committee to study weapons-grade crockpots and pressure cookers.”