Backpack registry legislation proposed

In the wake of the Boston Marathon attacks, elected officials are scrambling to come up with a knee-jerk reaction that will make no one safer, cause great inconvenience, and expand government bureaucracy.

Texas Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee and Illinois Rep. Jan Schakowsky are proposing legislation that will create a national backpack registry to help prevent another Boston tragedy and to enhance their image as being complete idiots.

Sheila Jackson-Lee pauses to find an intelligent thought. Comes up empty.

Sheila Jackson-Lee pauses to find an intelligent thought. Comes up empty.

“Stop blaming the terrorists,” proclaimed Lee. “We are a society that allows backpacks to get into the hands of criminals. Backpack laws are non-existent. We permit children to buy backpacks and allow them to bring them into schools. Do you really think they intend to put books in those bags?”

The proposal creates a national backpack registry that will track sales of all carriers that have a harness. Purchasers must be at least 21 years of age and will be required to register with the state by obtaining a carrier registration approval permit (CRAP). The CRAP card must be presented upon purchasing a harness-style carrier, followed by a five-day waiting period during which time the government will run your CRAP.  Upon approval, the purchaser may take possession.

“Evil lurks inside these bags of destruction,” said Schakowsky. “We are also proposing that the carriers be limited in size. Why do people need bags that can carry more than a laptop computer or a small poodle? It’s not like people carry food, water, sleeping bags and tents in backpacks anymore.”

While the bill does have its critics, many began stabbing themselves in the eye when they learned of the proposal; it is also gaining momentum in Progressive circles.

“This proposal is fabulous,” remarked Rep. Barney Frank (MA). “Let’s face it, people are cruel and stupid. We need a bigger and more intrusive government to protect us from ourselves. I don’t even trust me. I don’t know where I’ve been.”

The legislation if approved would forbid all backpacks from entering schools, being present on college campuses.

“I can’t think of a more imminent threat to education than a backpack,” said Schakowsky. “Once we cure society of this menace, we will establish a congressional oversight committee to study weapons-grade crockpots and pressure cookers.”


  1. Will “age” be the only restriction on buying a backpack? Will mohammadans and illegal aliens over 21 be allowed to buy backpacks, in any size or quantity?

    • Myron Jones says:

      great questions Stephen I’ve got one. will islamo nazis get to take back backs into Senator Ted Cruz’s office?

  2. paul says:

    She must have won that job on a bet !

  3. John Pinches says:

    While they are passing legislative reform of backpacks, they need to ban the sale of black backpacks because they’re racist! Just because someone used a black backpack to explode a bomb doesn’t mean a black person did it. I think that is what Chris Matthews said last night on MSNBC. I don’t know I was busy playing video games while he was talking.

  4. It figures. I’m still waiting to win a bet on the criminalization of duct tape.

  5. Stacy says:

    Hey I have an idea, why don’t you go a pass a law that registers purses and coolers and grocery bags and whatever the world you can put a bomb in!! I mean really ladies come on get your head out of your butts!!!! Great Damn Day, stupid is, what stupid does, complements of the 1 and only Forrest Gump!

  6. this whole fantasy on this situation and others like that is soon forgotten is a joke! there is no fact or justice! whatever the police and media state as instructed by the politicians are the facts.

  7. Tom Gilson says:

    People !!!This is a prank. It has to be. Just look at the CRAP Card ! But I fear this could happen.

  8. Bob says:

    People will believe anything written.

  9. kerry says:

    fuckin liberal idiots

  10. labillyboy says:

    Don’t laugh, when’s the last time you tried to attend a sporting event with a backpack? They ARE banned. At my daughter’s school they are banned from classrooms.

  11. Joe Lewand says:

    this woman and her likes are all freakin nuts.

  12. Greg Olsen says:

    All knives will be licensed and registered. There will be weekly inspections of all households to ensure all knives are accounted for. If a knife is missing, mandatory jail sentence!

    • pete korsch says:

      just think how many jobs Odumshit can create going house to house with his DHS military vehicles on a weekly basis

  13. J.P. Moses says:

    Please let’s not forget to get back ground checks for anyone purchasing a pressure ! ! !

  14. Sammy m says:

    I think if you have the audacity to want to own a backpack you must have a insurance liability policy….in case it goes off by itself

  15. Travis Burnham says:

    This is the dumbest most idiotic proposal I have ever heard… why don’t they just ban everything and go back to caveman days….like is this really happening… who really voted for this chum another term or for the 1st for that matter…sure as hell not me my family… American Doomsday Apocalypse is upon us….the Anti-Christ is here

  16. Bob says:

    We are in A AGE OF STUPUD HUMANS!! KICK The Muslims out!!!

  17. For all those Gullible here’s the definition for Satire..
    The use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of…
    A play, novel, film, or other work that uses satire.
    lampoon – squib

    And if you’re unsure of what “Gullible” means then here you go..
    Gullible- One whom believed that Obama should lead our nation.
    Okay now you can go back to chewing on your fingers.. :)

  18. Kevin Stutler says:

    Maybe we need “ONLY” to consider “weapons grade” backpacks…or “Assault Packs”…what do we need a Backpack with MORE than one Pocket for anyway ??? Lets Keep our Kids SAFE by Limiting the Capacity of Backpacks and insist on Background Checks for ALL Backpack USERS…How about a Training Class and “BackPack Carry Permit ???”

  19. john smith says:

    This is what happens when you have no brains and are still expected to do something by other people who have no brains, either. The brainless electing the brainless. Does this woman actually think that she makes any sense at all? She is not only dumber than a bag of hammers but she is a nuisance and evil to the core like the rest of the Liberal swine in this country. The problem is that we have nobody that is willing to stand up and lead the conservative side. I keep waiting for another Ronald Reagan but I guess I need to give that thought up.

  20. R.Young says:

    What a most wonderful idea, bless their little hearts!

  21. Ken Colditz says:

    Oh come on, this isn’t real?? This is someone trying to be funny. All that crap says so. LOL

  22. bob says:

    Damn idiots. WE need to register shoes then, right? (the shoe bomber) What about box cutters, oh yeah, and pressure cookers. Back to the ghetto tae-quesha.

  23. ProudTexan62 says:

    Don’t discount this being her idea. I’m sure she didn’t come up with the idea alone as she is too busy running around the country attending photo ops!!!

  24. JEJ says:

    Read the name of the page – it says it’s satire, so it’s pure BS, and funny. Some people just don’t know CRAP when they read it – LOL!

  25. ralph says:

    Wow where do these people get their degrees from the University of I’m an Idiot? Seriously folks do they spend 4 years to earn a bachelor’s degree in “Stupid-Ology” followed by a master’s degree in stupidity. This by far, has to be the dumbest thing I have ever heard of what’s next register all the contents in the bag? How about registering your pens and pencils, I mean after all those can be considered weapons too right?

  26. Hi All, I don’t want to sound like a moronic Fuckwit, But! is this shit for real? If it Is! you guys had better get a really good grip on yourselves because you have allowed yourselves to dictated to by the morons that you voted in.

  27. Rick Nagy says:

    Y’all are seriously showing your ignorance and inability to read an entire story.

    First, you’re at a site called “schmuck weekly” which should be your first to clue to this story being satire.

    Next, a CRAP card?!? are you fucking serious? Y’all can’t really be dumb enough to believe this is a real story.

    I am seriously worried about the direction this world is headed.

  28. Basil T. says:

    The weird thing is, Shirley Jackson-Lee is such an idiot that nearly anyone who knows anything about her (and her mental limitations) has at least a moment or two of considering the possibility that this article might just be true. Pity…..

  29. deb in Illinois says:

    I really hope she reads all of these …how stupid can someone be??? No wonder our country is in such trouble. What an idiot and I am not a name caller but stupid is just stupid!!!!

  30. SSGRick says:

    Hey if she asked about whether or not the MARS ROVER would pass by THE FLAG THE ASTRONAUTS LEFT I WOULDN’T PUT THIS PAST THIS IGNORANT BIT CH

  31. Crow hop says:

    Why not register underwear also, and shoes?

  32. trademartin says:

    Maxine Waters and Debbie Wassermann approves…..!!!

  33. Don Meadors says:

    According to Carlson with her Washington office this is FALSE 202-225-3816
    a few seconds ago

  34. Michael Castillo says:

    And you chose these two Socialists to satirize as this “proposal” is no more outlandish than comments they actually have made.

  35. Joe says:

    Chances are, everyone commenting on this as if it were real, probably voted for Hussein Obama!

  36. trademartin says:


  37. arfareos says:

    Is this some kind of a joke? Is it April 1st?

  38. Nan says:

    ..this is a fricken joke, right? and No, I didn’t vote for “him” even though I am an intelligent Puerto Rican woman and the “free-food-picnic” smelled reeeeeeeeaaaal good … but here’s the deal: I blame Obama and his Left-wing communist goons in Capital Hill. The FBI could have investigated the Boston Marathon Scums when Russia blew the whistle on the eldest— but guess what, I immediately connected the dots– the news would have caused problems / embarrassment for Hussein Obama re-election! Why? Let’s not forget it was HE and his Liberal Administration who insisted on changing the word “terrorism” to “overseas contingency’ (unforeseen event) and that “,,, the war on Al-Qaida is not a war on Terrorism”! And he’s got a good hold on the activities of the FBI/CIA–Departments that were “‘re-organized” when he took over office–Remember–He portrayed himself as a social/cultural attaché promoter of a modern “round-table.” Americans, wise-up and connect the dots– keep vigil as to where this Progressive-Marxist-One-World order sympathizer–ironically–head of our free-Republic, is heading us into….

    P.S.,Immigrants from my NYS neighborhood come from different Russian “states”. They openly ADMIT their “town” draws a “Lottery” to see who will be send to America. They also openly admit they hated the idea of re-locating to America but that their government forced them to pack and leave or they lose their community/State support!!! WAKE UP AMERICA. If this is the case than there is no chance or reason why these animals will ever pay allegiance to our Flag and Constitution!

  39. [...] Keith Ellison (MN) and Sheila Jackson Lee (TX), who recently co-sponsored the pending backpack registry legislation. Also joining the list of schmucks was Hollywood director and buffet aficionado Michael Moore, as [...]

Leave a Reply to Greg Olsen Cancel reply