Springfield – Nothing good happens in Springfield, Illinois at two o’clock in the morning. Then again, nothing good happens at two o’clock in the afternoon either. But why is this night different from all other nights? The usual sounds of gunfire and screaming crack-addicts were accompanied by the roar of diesel engines and screeching of brakes. Democratic legislators have packed up their offices, loaded up moving vans and kissed their mistresses good-bye. The time to abandon (literally) the state they spent decades destroying had finally come.
As 2013 began, Illinois had a growing $130 billion pension deficit and nearly $9 billion in unpaid bills. Fearing reprisals from public employee unions and owners of liquor stores in economically deprived neighborhoods, Democratic leaders, under orders from Speaker (Sith Lord) Michael Madigan, decided it was best to ignore the fiscal crisis. Don’t worry, Mr. and Ms. union worker and business owner – you’ll get the money promised and owed to you (insert evil laugh here).
Denial and deception being the motto of Springfield, Madigan and his puppets concentrated on legalizing medical marijuana, same-sex marriage and driver’s licenses for illegal immigrants. Before packing up, the legislature approved borrowing $2 billion at an interest rate usually reserved for patrons of loan sharks and Greece.
But just like the gambler who realizes the knock at the door is Vito with a crowbar, the time to skip town under the cover of night is now. Democrats are on the run.
From an undisclosed location, State Rep. Barbara Flynn Currie told Schmuck Weekly, “I’ve been screwing over the people of Illinois for nearly 35 years. I’ve stood with his holiness, Emperor Madigan, passing tax-hike after tax-hike and making promises to unions that we knew we could never keep. Those schmucks have kept us in power for decades and I guarantee you they will continue to do so in 2014, even if we are holding session somewhere west of the Mississippi River.”
Governor Pat Quinn was enjoying his daily play session at Legoland and was unavailable for comment. State Senate President John Cullerton’s office declined to speak to Schmuck Weekly and is rumored to be making arrangements to rendezvous with the Democratic Empire in Branson, Missouri next week for a taxpayer-funded conference at Dolly Parton’s Dixie Stampede.
When called for comment, Republican minority leader Tom Cross admitted he was unaware of majority party travel plans.
“We don’t matter. We have no power or say-so in the affairs of Illinois,” said Cross. “But leave it to Emperor Mike (Madigan) to find a way to make the GOP even less relevant.”
Cross continued, “They don’t need us for quorum, so they can hold session in an Arkansas bowling alley if they want. I wish I were invited to the party, but that only happens if they need me to sign on to legislation detrimental to Illinois families, so it looks like a bipartisan whacking.”
Business and local government leaders have sent a letter to Attorney General Lisa Madigan (daughter and apprentice of the Emperor) demanding she take legal action to bring back the Democratic legislature.
“My office doesn’t investigate or take legal action against Illinois Democrats, especially those from Cook County,” said Ms. Madigan. “I’m sure this is all part of my daddy’s plan to make me governor next year. At that time I will unveil my economic blueprint to make Illinois solvent by the year 2112.”
It is unknown where the Democratic truck convoy will ultimately end up. Sources tell Schmuck Weekly that Madigan himself is traveling in a vehicle disguised as a Marshall Tucker Band tour truck. Limited-government advocacy groups are applauding the Democrats’ decision to get out of Dodge.
“It’s not like they had any intention of making Illinois whole again,” said Richard Goldstein, President of Why Does Illinois Suck Project. “The only hope Illinois residents have is moving to a state that isn’t Illinois or getting the bums out of Springfield. It appears one of the options has come to fruition.”