Washington D.C. – For nearly a month, Secretary of State John Kerry has been advocating the resumption of peace talks between Israel and the Palestinian Authority, now insisting they “must take place next month.” Kerry went as far as to tell the Sunday morning talk shows that PA President Mahmoud Abbas has agreed to a date for the summit, and Kerry was awaiting Israel’s response.
Schmuck Weekly’s Analysis & Hacking Of Laughable Excrement department (A*HOLE) has uncovered emails between Kerry and Abbas indicating the PA’s demand that the talks take place the week of March 25. Kerry informed Abbas that this would conflict with the Jewish observance of Passover. Abbas, plagued by an outbreak of head lice and laryngitis due to a frog in his throat, replied that time and again, Arab overtures entreating Israel for peaceful, harmonious Arab-Israeli coexistence have been brutally struck down by Israel’s slavish refusal to let their Judaism go.
“Mr. Secretary, I told your predecessor what I am telling you now, that we will happily recognize and make peace with Israel as long as there are no Jews within their borders. Therefore this Zionist holiday you speak of is merely a pyramid scheme having no bearing on the date of the summit, as no Jews will be part of any legitimate Israel,” wrote Abbas. “Please tell your wife I am thinking of her and will never forget the way she taught me how to truly enjoy steak sauce.”
The A*HOLE investigation uncovered Kerry’s response in an email sent to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.
“Bibi: Abbas desperately wants to hold the talks the week of the 25th. He said something about a prostate exam the week before and a guest appearance on ‘Dancing with the Stars’ the week after. May I suggest sending a non-Jewish delegation – Muslims, if I may be so bold? Think of the brownie points you’ll score with the Arab world.”
When asked about Kerry’s unwillingness to be forthcoming with the Israeli Prime Minister, J-Street President Jeremy Ben-Ami took the opportunity praise Abbas and his desire for peace.
“The email clearly reflects Abbas’ willingness to recognize and make peace with Israel.”
When asked about the precondition that Israel be free of Jews, Ben-Ami dismissed Abbas’ demand as a “standard negotiating tactic,” expressing confidence that the Arab world will allow a few Jews to remain in Israel, especially those in the medical community, which is credited with saving countless Arab lives and circumcising them under sterile conditions, although the International Court of Justice at the Hague has charged the Jewish medical establishment with gender discrimination for refusing to circumcise females.
The J-Street founder reiterated his call for Jews in Israel, in the interest of tikkun olam (repairing the world), to stop procreating and to quit installing backyard swimming pools as they will have no place in a future safe and secure Israel.