Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has welcomed Tzipi Livni, formerly Israel’s foreign minister, into his developing coalition. Under the arrangement, Livni will represent Netanyahu in peace talks with the Palestinian Authority, promising such a prompt resolution to the conflict that, based on Livni’s reported agreement to Palestinian preconditions, the talks have virtually already concluded.
Under the administration of former Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, Livni offered the PA over 90 percent of the land in Judea and Samaria for the creation of a Palestinian state. This offer having been rebuffed, Livni vows to redouble her effort to seal a peace accord by offering the remainder of the State of Israel, including the entire city of Jerusalem.
“Livni’s publicly stated positions are positive,” said Nimer Hammad, a top advisor to PA Chairman Mahmoud Abbas. “She has experience with the demands of the peace process and with the Palestinian side’s view of the solution.” Hammad further credited Livni with knowing her place as a woman.
Livni’s policies are also in accord with Netanyahu’s goal of creating the widest possible coalition government. Sources tell Schmuck Weekly that Livni has approached Iran to bring Hezbollah into the Livni-Netanyahu coalition. Confirmation is still pending as her courier was found decapitated outside a Tehran gay bar. Homosexuals do not exist in the Islamic Republic, so details cannot be confirmed.
Asked what will become of the Jews currently residing in Israel, Livni will charge former Prime Minister Ariel Sharon with arranging for their relocation due to his experience with the expulsion of Jews from their homes in the Jewish state. Former UPI Washington D.C. Bureau Chief Helen Thomas has been recruited by Livni to serve as an adviser to the former Prime Minister regarding settlement options for Israeli citizens. Sharon had no comment.
Thomas told a citizen journalist that Jews should “get the hell out of Palestine” and “go home” to Germany or Poland. Schmuck Weekly is awaiting comment from German Chancellor Angela Merkel and Polish head of state Bronisław Komorowski.
Israeli President Shimon Peres, believed to be vacationing in Ramallah, could not be reached for comment.