Post Office guarantees customers won’t get laid

Americans love to look good. As a society we are very particular about our clothes – designers – whose style and reputation are a reflection of who we are as individuals. So nothing says I’m slow, tardy, boring and don’t do shit on weekends like sporting gear from the United States Postal Service.

This past week the USPS announced plans to launch a new line of all-weather apparel and accessories that is sure to guarantee that customers wearing the “cutting edge of functional fashion” won’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of having sex ever again. Dolce & Gabbana co-creator Stefano Gabbana went as far as to say, “If society is looking to guarantee someone stay a virgin by offering the ultimate turn-off to the opposite sex – wearing clothes that scream, Is that a stamp in your pants or are you just happy to see me? – that day has arrived.”  The line has received the official endorsement of the Catholic Archdiocese as a permissible form of birth control.

Isaac Crawford, CEO of Wahconah Group, Inc., offers a much different perspective. In a recent interview with ABC News, Crawford addressed the two sides of the clothing line:  “One side represents the legacy, the romanticism of the postal service, the idea that they started the same time that the country did.”

Schmuck Weekly’s Analysis & Hacking Of Laughable Excrement department (A*HOLE), in conjunction with the Ditka Polling Company, surveyed 300 college cheerleaders to see if the “romanticism of the postal service” would make them more or less attracted to men wearing USPS gear.

17% said they would consider it if he could do their math and science homework.

67% said they would rather be dead.

16% began stabbing themselves in the eye once they heard the question.

The survey also asked 300 college basketball players if they would consider dating a woman wearing USPS apparel.

91% said yes, as long as she has big boobs.

4% snapped their finger and said, “no way, Girlfriend.”

5% said yes, as long has she has really big boobs.

A*HOLE determined that men would be better off investing in an online Nigerian banking opportunity than buying anything related to the USPS line. There was limited impact on women regarding the opinion of the opposite sex; however, their female peers would refuse to be seen with them in public.

The virgin and bitch-slap lines of apparel from the USPS are due just in time to ruin Valentine’s Day 2014.

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