Tag Archive for Al Gore

Human Race officially declares Al Gore full of sh*t

London – World leaders gathered in London over the weekend to attend the Human Race Project international convention.  Representatives from 96 countries discussed a variety of topics including world implementation of the Cyprus economic model, advantages of unconditional surrender to North Korea, and blaming Jews for Islamic terror. Also on the agenda was a resolution submitted by Scandinavian nations declaring that global warming alarmist and schmuck extraordinaire who couldn’t win his home state in a presidential election, Al Gore, be “officially declared full of shit.”

 “We have been waiting and wanting this so-called “global warming” or “climate change” for decades,” said Sweden’s Gunnar Breinholst. “It is, as you say in America, ‘fucking cold’ outside and it’s getting colder. I bought a swimsuit in 2003 because Al Gore said the planet was getting warmer. I still haven’t worn it. That mammaknullare is a rövhål and he owes me $17.95 for my trunks. ”

To the surprise of the attendees, the United States did not object to the resolution. The U.S. contingent, led by former President Bill Clinton, took matters a step further when it asked Clinton to co-sponsor the resolution.

Al Gore learns the Human Race has officially declared him "full of shit."

Al Gore learns the Human Race has officially declared him “full of shit.”

“Global warming is a pussy, I mean Ponzi scheme.  It’s May and it’s snowing in Arkansas. Al was full shit when I first met him over twenty years ago and today he is still full of shit,” said Clinton. “To be honest, I’d welcome some global warming. Be nice not to go to a baseball game in Chicago or Cincinnati in April or May without a winter coat and a flask of whiskey to keep me warm.”

Gore was not immediately available for comment as his private jet was grounded during a refueling stop in Des Moines, Iowa. He was on his way to a global warming conference in Amsterdam, but was unable to get off the ground due to a blizzard.

Just prior to publication of this piece, Schmuck Weekly received a call from the environmentalist guru.

“I categorically deny being full of shit. As soon as the blizzard passes and my private jet can be cleared for take-off, I will fly to London to defend myself,” said Gore. “The world doesn’t understand that if we don’t start following my environmental recommendations, my carbon credit business scheme will fall apart. Do you know what my monthly payments are to Tipper? Do you know how much it costs to feed her?”

On Monday morning, Gore was finally able to leave Iowa.  But as his plane was fueling up, the Human Race Project world body reconvened to officially declare, “Albert Gore is full of shit.”

Schmuck Weekly hopes to get additional comment from the green energy pimp once his plane lands in Qatar for refueling. Gore frequently lands his aircraft in the oil rich nation as he receives a lifetime of free oil as stipulated in section F, paragraph U of his agreement with the OPEC nation regarding his sale of Current TV to Al Jazeera. 

Please refer to the Schmucktionary for translation of Swedish terminology cited in the second paragraph. Children should not be present.

Go “Frack” Yourself!

As the debate over hydraulic fracturing (fracking) continues to make headlines across the country, a recent poll conducted by Schmuck Weekly’s Analysis & Hacking Of Laughable Excrement department (A*HOLE) in conjunction with the Ditka Polling Company surveyed 800 likely voters on how they perceive the issue.

“The results are shocking,” observed pollster Michael Ditka. “People have no opinion about fracking – they are clueless about the debate. The average schmuck on the street just likes saying the word.”

Ninety-one percent of likely voters offered no opinion about the issue.  Five percent thought that hydraulic fracturing referred to a bone injury sustained while bathing or swimming. The remaining four percent being a moot point, A*HOLE added an additional polling question:

“Do you just like saying the word “fracking”?

Ninety-five percent of all respondents admitted enjoying saying the word “fracking.” Even the six percent of respondents who support the idea of hydraulic fracturing indicated that they love to debate the issue just for the opportunity to say “fracking.”

The three percent opposed to the procedure, when asked the question about enjoyment from simply uttering the word, told the interviewer to “go frack himself.”

“This is very concerning,” said environmentalist and Schmuck Weekly inspiration Al Gore. Speaking from his private jet enroute to Qatar, Gore told an A*HOLE investigator, “Americans are fracking stupid about the environment. Fracking isn’t a fracking joke. It’s about cheaper gasoline, providing well-paying jobs and obstructing my funding from Arab oil empires. How will I be able to save the planet if I don’t have oil money to finance my efforts?”

Gore may find some relief stemming from the “sequester” debate. Ditka polling conducted an independent survey finding that citizens, especially young people, are fascinated with the word “sequester.”

“Similar to ‘fracking,’ the word ‘sequester’ is also a fun word to say,” according to Ditka. “It’s often used in the bedroom, and decorum prevents me from elaborating. We are also seeing a number of newborn females named ‘Sequester,’ especially in the southern and New England states. There is a very good chance it may make the top ten list of names for 2013.”

The popularity of the words could have a permanent impact on society. Purdue University’s School of Engineering is considering formation of a separate institution dedicated to its hydraulic fracturing program, to be known as Frack University (FU) or Frack U for short.  But if the Obama administration has its way, the sequester will be used to say “Frack you” to the new school.