Tag Archive for Barack Obama

Press furious, blame Obama for their skyrocketing health care costs

Screams of rage could be heard along Lexington Avenue. Cursing was the predominant sound along 8th. Such verbal abuse and colorful language may be commonplace in New York City, but amongst the elitist newsmen – the beautiful people – the best Manhattan has to offer sounded like football fans at a Bears/Packers game on this cold October day. The New York press corps had  just received their health insurance notices.

ObamacomputerThe first reports of concern surfaced via Twitter outside the New York Times building.

“Sounds like a horse is being tortured inside NYT building. Chair slammed against window. #wellbeingcheck #needadrink” – @alecbaldwin

“I think I hear @NYTimesDowd getting a Brazilian. Lambs being slaughtered inside NYT building. #nosugardrinks #hatefatpeople” – @mayormike

Democrats and anti-Israel activists were relieved to learn everyone was safe and unharmed inside the NYT offices when journalists began tweeting the cause of their terror.

“WTF Obama! My premiums just shot up higher than the national debt. What is a 6K deductible? #obamacaresux #needahug” – @pkrugman

“Botox not covered. Premiums higher than me on Thursdays. May have to start shopping at Sears.  #needadrink #teapartyright” – @nygail

Similar cries were evident on social media outside the offices of Bloomberg News and the New York bureau of the Boston Globe.

“Haven’t heard cursing in Yiddish that profane since before Uncle Nate died. Anger inside Bloomberg News offices. #workplaceviolence #asianhappyending” – @larrydavis

“Sounds like a Kennedy ran out of whiskey inside the @bostonglobe building. #call911” – @carlosdanger

Schmuck Weekly was able to obtain comment that confirmed the Obamacare reality that struck the journalism world on Thursday.

“We have been promoting this program as heaven sent, the cure for the nation’s ills,” said New York Times columnist Paul Dowd. “But my premium shot up so much my children may have to attend public school – with minorities.”

Schmuck Weekly will continue tracking the developing Obamacare nightmare that is ravaging the journalism community. We will notify our readers if any children of these media elitists will become classmates of your kids.  For the latest on home-schooling laws in your state, keep it here or follow us @SchmuckWeekly.

Michelle Obama uses military drones for vacation planning

Plagued by more scandals than an Illinois governor, the Obama administration finds itself confronted with news reports that the U.S. military drone program is being used by First Lady Michelle Obama to scout vacation spots for the First Family.

First Lady questioned about misuse of Drone program

First Lady questioned about misuse of Drone program

Emails and documents leaked to Schmuck Weekly by anonymous Pentagon sources reveal that the nation’s controversial drone program to hunt down terrorists on foreign soil may have been greatly exaggerated and in fact is mostly used to provide aerial photographs of resorts, beaches and cabana boys for Mrs. Obama.

“My colleagues and I became suspicious when mission orders consisted of drone patrols over Hawaii, Jamaica and the French Rivera,” said ground pilot Billy Bradshaw. “We were ordered to take images of beach front property, hedonism resorts and the physical attributes of the locals.”

According to Bradshaw, surveillance footage was then sent by inner-office mail to FLOTUS Chief of Staff Tina Tchen. Ms. Tchen was unavailable for comment as she is currently in the Bahamas conducting “research” for the First Lady.

A Pentagon official who asked not to be identified is claiming the drone program is managed by the First Lady’s office and has not been used for military activity since September 2009.

“President Obama’s tough talk about his bad ass drone attacks is just that – talk,” noted the Pentagon official. “The only time a deadly device has been launched from one of our unmanned aerial vehicles is when he sent Attorney General Eric Holder down to Mexico to pick up some quality shit (marijuana) in exchange for some guns.”

The official continued, “Apparently a rival cartel was angry that the president stopped getting his stash from them, so they attempted to hijack our truck and shots were exchanged, with American weapons from a previous deal, and eventually a drone was called in to protect the pot.”  The official went on to explain that the president switched his source at the behest of the AFL-CIO Joint Task Force, United Marijuana Farm workers Union because the former source was a right-to-work cartel.

Schmuck Weekly asked White House Press Secretary Jay Carney about these claims. He ran away from our reporter, screaming repeatedly, “I know nothing!”

Asked to comment before this article was published, Mrs. Obama questioned our priorities and patriotism, generally lambasting our investigation as a Zionist conspiracy in retaliation for the Israeli resort city of Eilat being excluded from the list of recommended vacation sites.

“Why do you care if I’m using drones to check out packages, I mean vacation spots? Haven’t you guys heard about Barack and Eric abusing their power? IRS, Benghazi, Associated Press, Manti Te’o’s girlfriend. They orchestrated all of that,” she explained. “Why don’t you guys take down my husband so I can leave this town? Don’t you think I need a vacation? I haven’t had one in almost a month.”

James Carney caught in airport bathroom with Sgt. Schultz

Baltimore – Mired in multiple scandals, the Obama administration suffered yet another blow Tuesday afternoon when the Associated Press reported that White House press secretary James Carney was caught receiving media advice in an airport men’s room from world renowned incompetent Sgt. Hans Schultz.

AP reporter Reggie Goldstein was transferring planes at Baltimore–Washington International Airport when he noticed Carney entering a men’s room. Knowing that his bosses are still trying to get answers from the White House about the federal government’s seizure of AP phone records, Goldstein followed Carney into the men’s room, only to encounter Carney and Schultz embracing and going into a stall. Naturally assuming homosexual activity, Goldstein made his way to the exit, when he began to hear conversation.

James Carney receiving press advice from Sgt. Schultz

James Carney receiving press advice from Sgt. Schultz

“Carney was obviously crying – hysterically – begging Schultz to tell him what to say,” explained Goldstein. “The press secretary whined to Schultz that ‘the press wasn’t supposed to ask real questions and do real investigative journalism. They love Barack!  They kiss my ass!  We are supposed to govern free of accountability! Doesn’t everyone get their news from the Daily Show?’ ”

Goldstein told Schmuck Weekly that before Schultz could speak, Carney rambled on about   various options in order to evade the truth.

“We can blame Bush! Oh wait, better yet, we can blame Cheney for Benghazi,” exclaimed   Carney. “Maybe we can change the timeline and convince everyone the attack occurred on September 11, 2008 instead of 2012. I wonder if we can get the American people to believe that Bush and Cheney worked with Al Qaeda to orchestrate the attack. I’m sure we can photo-shop a picture of Bush setting the compound on fire. MSNBC will certainly get that image out to their 27 viewers.”

The AP reporter said he sat outside the stall, wishing these guys would start sending gay signals by tapping their feet, but no such luck. “I continued to listen to the mouthpiece of the President plot to deceive the public and bounce ideas of a fictional television character that passed away thirty years ago,” said Goldstein.

The most surprising development from the toilet talk was Carney’s admission that after 5:00 PM Washington time on September 11, Obama was not playing basketball, ignoring the Benghazi developments, as claimed by conservative pundits.

“He was with me playing Super Mario Brothers on an old Nintendo game system we found in the White House attic that used to belong to Bill Clinton.”

The one-sided conversation between Carney and Schultz finally turned silent, with the press secretary imploring Schultz to tell him what he should say, in what sounded like a “whimpering whisper.”

At that moment, Schultz bellowed, “I know nothing!”

Nanny Bloomberg wins 2013 Schmuck of the year so far

Earlier today the conclave of Schmuck Weekly staffers gathered in a smoke-filled room to tally up the votes for 2013 Schmuck of the year so far. We considered the results from the online poll, Facebook page and emails submitted by readers. As we gathered with our 32-ounce cups of sugar-laden soda and legally purchased firearms, it was obvious before the count was finalized who the biggest schmuck of 2013 is.

With just over 51 percent of the total vote, Schmuck Weekly extends a heartfelt “Mazel Tov” to New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg – winner of the 2013 Schmuck of the year so far.

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“Only in America could an elitist billionaire, a true schmuck, wake up one morning and say to himself, ‘I think I’m going to outlaw Coca-Cola, because I can manage people’s lives better than they can,’ ” remarked Schmuck Weekly publisher Paulie. “Nanny Bloomberg truly exemplifies what it means to be a schmuck, and we offer him our congratulations.”

Finishing in second place was the comedy team of President Barack Obama and Speaker John Boehner. Their inept leadership earned them enough votes to qualify for second place. Better luck next time. Surprising third place finisher was Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel. His nomination hearings validated the public’s perception that most politicians are mentally challenged. Bringing up the rear were the “enlarged prostate twins” Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham, who tend to deserve schmuck honors every time they open up their mouths. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu finished a distant fifth. His recent ass-kissing of Turkey earned him a surprising nomination and raised concerns that his body may have been infiltrated by the ghost of Neville Chamberlain. The Schmuck staff regrets that Bibi didn’t tell  Turkey to stuff it, but wishes him well nevertheless.

Mayor Bloomberg’s victory earned him a nomination in the 2013 Schmuck of the year awards. More schmuck winners will rise to the surface, or rather sink to the bottom, every quarter, so keep reading and opining, and tell your friends about the best political and popular culture satire on that internet thingy.

Catholics fear Biden’s trip to Rome

Whether he is downplaying the severity of abusing women with a “garden-variety slap across the face,” or telling a crowd of African Americans that Republicans are “going to put y’all back in chains,” Vice President Joe Biden can always be counted on to say something inappropriate and offensive at the worst possible moment. For this reason Catholics across the United States are voicing their concerns that Mr. Biden will be representing our nation at the upcoming installation of Pope Francis in Rome.

“What genius thought it was a good idea to send Joe Biden to Rome for this holy moment?” quipped Catholic League spokesman Patrick Daley. “I would be more comfortable sending a football coach with Tourette syndrome to meet the Holy Father than a complete idiot.”

Vice President Joe Biden explains to a crowd why he is mentally challenged.

Vice President Joe Biden explains to a crowd why he is mentally challenged.

Some in the Catholic community believe the decision to send Biden to Rome is part of a larger plan – conspiracy – to embarrass church leaders who have voiced their concerns regarding Obamacare.

“Nobody in their right mind would send a buffoon to this milestone moment in history unless there was an agenda attached to the decision,” asserted Chicago Catholic Richard Callahan. “This was going to be a wonderful St. Patrick’s Day, but instead of enjoying lively spirits, Catholics will be drinking heavily to drown their fears over the debacle that will be unleashed in Rome.”

A member of President Obama’s “social welfare” organization Organizing for America, speaking on condition of anonymity, told Schmuck Weekly, “If we believed in God we’d be praying for the vice president to f*ck up. After the installation we are going to start our new fundraising campaign ‘Shut Crazy Uncle Joe Up!’”

The spokesman continued, “We are going to sell T-shirts, bumper stickers, mugs and our featured product will be a Crazy Uncle Joe muzzle. Conservatives don’t know how to turn lemons into Limoncello – We do!”