Members of the Congressional Progressive Caucus (CPC) will be heading to Cyprus next week to learn the art of stealing the people’s money. Last week the island nation that nobody can locate on a map resolved its current economic crisis by emptying the bank accounts of its citizenry. The action of the Cypriot government is receiving praise from big government elitists across the globe.
“Finally someone had the guts to do the right thing and just take the money sitting in the bank,” said Congresswoman Jan Schakowsky (D-IL). “Government knows better than the people. Let us intellectuals run your life and I’m sure you will be better off.”
Schakowsky, who just returned from Venezuela after attending the funeral of Hugo Chavez, will be joined in Cyprus by fellow representatives Keith Ellison (D-MN), Sheila Jackson-Lee (D-TX), Jim Moran (D-VA) and Jim McDermott (D-WA). The Cypriot government’s new economic advisory committee, Federal Underwriters Coalition for Keynesian Economic Measures (FUCKEM), will host the U.S. contingent and demonstrate how the FUCKEM principles can be implemented in the U.S.
“I can’t wait to learn the new FUCKEM method,” said Sheila Jackson-Lee. “I’ve considered FUCKEM policies in the past, but Republicans and many of my Democratic colleagues think FUCKEM is wrong. I disagree and look forward to making FUCKEM universally accepted in Washington.”
Currently the U.S. debt is north of $16 trillion. According to budgetary experts at the accounting firm of Goldstein, Horowitz and Murphy, implementing the Cypriot solution in the United States would bring the debt down to just south of $16 trillion.
When asked about the negligible impact, Mrs. Schakowsky retorted, “We have no intention of ever resolving the debt crisis! We are just looking for a new method of achieving equality by procuring the hard-earned money of successful folks in order to redistribute the funds until we can secure control of Congress, enabling us to pass real tax reform, you know, tax hikes on everyone earning above minimum wage.”
The CPC will be in Cyprus for three days and then will travel to the Gaza Strip in a show of solidarity with the Palestinians, culminating in a ceremonial rocket launching at the Israeli city of Sderot.