Tag Archive for Gov. Quinn

Illinois government credit card declined at Papa John’s

This past Friday, Americans awoke to a giddy media touting the news that Americans have abandoned all hope of finding a job and unemployment had dropped to 7.7 percent. Back in Illinois the unemployment figures felt like a sharp dagger in the back as out of work Illinoisans climbed from 8.7 to 9.0 percent. But for the Democratic machine it gets worse…much worse.

Schmuck Weekly sources have confirmed that last week Illinois Governor Pat Quinn attempted to buy pizza and bread sticks for his staff during a late night work session and the state-issued Visa card was “declined!”

“Some guy named Jack ordered four large pizzas and two orders of breadsticks and gave us a state-issued credit card. That thing was rejected quicker than my application to Lincoln Land Community College,” recalled Papa John employee Brad. “Gov. Quinn himself was then driven to our store in that short yellow bus he rides around in and paid cash for the food.”

As word got out about this potentially humiliating situation for Illinois lawmakers, businesses in the Springfield area went into panic mode.

“How will my customers pay for their massage and special stress release treatment?” wondered Suk Li, owner of HJ Massage Parlor. “My business will go the way of the state, in the crapper, if state credit cards can’t be used for the services of my girls, I mean masseuses.”

The declined credit card came as no surprise toJudy Baar Topinka, Republican Judy Baar Topinka.

“Darlings, what do you expect? The last time this state paid a bill on time, George Bush was president and I’m referring to the first one,” laughed Topinka. “I have seven billion dollars in unpaid bills on my desk and another three billion that haven’t reached my desk. Despite what Gov. Quinn thinks, the bill-fairy won’t pay these debts.”

Topinka added, “A business in Illinois is better off extending credit to a crack-whore than the government. At least crack addicts can get clean, get a job and pay their bills. Gov. Quinn and Speaker Madigan sold the public on tax hikes to pay back bills. That was B.S. then, and now we see the money never reached debtors. Instead, it went straight to the public employee unions. So who would you rather trust: a crack-whore or a political-whore? The latter has a sponsor –public employee unions and Speaker Madigan – folks not interested in solvency.”

A spokesman for Bankcard Services confirmed that all state-issued credit accounts have been designated N.F.W (No F*cking Way).

“We regret having to cut off the State of Illinois, but our accountants concluded that with the 28 percent interest rate the state pays, coupled with the monthly late-payment penalty fee for every payment since 2003, and only minimum disbursements made, we figure Illinois will have settled its credit card debt by the year 2119.”

Sith Lord Michael Madigan and his mentally challenged puppet Patrick

Sith Lord Michael Madigan and his mentally challenged puppet Patrick

Illinois House Speaker Michael Madigan, asked to comment on the spokesman’s dire calculations, responded that “we have secured the future of the bankcard industry into the 22nd century. Pay-to-play politics in Illinois is working. Our out-of-control spending and anti-business environment is creating lucrative jobs for our union friends and offers incentives for regular Illinoisans to move to a more prosperous state. I don’t understand what the problem is.”

Illinois Democrats: We need prison preparedness classes

Illinois Governor Pat Quinn is considering a proposal by House Speaker Michael Madigan to implement a prison preparedness class for all Federal, State and County level elected officials. Democrats from Cook County are lining up to sponsor the legislation.

“Let’s face facts. Chances are high that we will get caught behaving like Cook County Democrats and will be serving time in a minimum or medium security facility in Colorado or Minnesota,” said Rep. Elaine Nekritz (D-Northbrook). “My colleagues and I just want to be ready when the inevitable happens.”

Last week, news broke that former Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. had accepted a plea deal that includes prison time. His wife, former Chicago Alderman Sandi Jackson, is also under investigation. Political corruption being a family affair in the Land of Lincoln, is family-based training a possibility?

Speaker Madigan informed Schmuck Weekly that family is his top priority, especially his own, and that is why “I have asked Patricia Mell-Blago, wife of impeached governor and current Colorado prison-bitch Rod Blagojevich, to help author the legislation as well as develop the curriculum.”

Madigan hinted that the legislation could be named after his favorite Illinois felons and would be mandatory for Federal, State and County elected officials regardless of party affiliation. The Rostenkowski-Ryan-Walker bill could be law by year’s end.

Schmuck Note: SW attempted to contact the Illinois GOP for comment, but their phone line was disconnected due to failure to pay the bill.