Tag Archive for Hugo Chavez

2013 Schmuck of the year so far nominees

Schmuck Weekly is proud, more like ashamed, to announce the 2013 Schmuck of the year so far nominees. Readers were asked to submit the name of the individual they feel truly met the definition of “Schmuck” during the first quarter of 2013. We received the names of politicians, Hollywood celebrities, world leaders and many groups and combinations of individuals. Most submissions included rationales, so the Schmuck Weekly staff made the decision to take into the account the reasons individuals cited for their favorite Schmuck (s).

Your 2013 Schmuck of the year so far nominees are (no particular order):

1.      Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu

Kissing Turkey’s ass isn’t going over well with supporters of the Jewish State.

2.      New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg

America’s Nanny is as popular as a fat chick with facial hair and a cold sore.

3.      Republican Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham

Readers fear the enlarged prostates of these GOP dinosaurs.

4.      Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel

After his confirmation hearing most Americans are convinced he takes a short yellow bus to work and leaves 15 minutes before everyone else.

5.      President Barack Obama and Speaker John Boehner

These two are about as likely to create economic growth as the Muslim Brotherhood advocating for gay rights.

 

What are you waiting for? Go cast your vote for the 2013 Schmuck of the year so far.

Congressional Progressive Caucus heads to Cyprus for economic lessons

Members of the Congressional Progressive Caucus (CPC) will be heading to Cyprus next week to learn the art of stealing the people’s money. Last week the island nation that nobody can locate on a map resolved its current economic crisis by emptying the bank accounts of its citizenry. The action of the Cypriot government is receiving praise from big government elitists across the globe.

“Finally someone had the guts to do the right thing and just take the money sitting in the bank,” said Congresswoman Jan Schakowsky (D-IL). “Government knows better than the people. Let us intellectuals run your life and I’m sure you will be better off.”

Schakowsky, who just returned from Venezuela after attending the funeral of Hugo Chavez, will be joined in Cyprus by fellow representatives Keith Ellison (D-MN), Sheila Jackson-Lee (D-TX), Jim Moran (D-VA) and Jim McDermott (D-WA). The Cypriot government’s new economic advisory committee, Federal Underwriters Coalition for Keynesian Economic Measures (FUCKEM), will host the U.S. contingent and demonstrate how the FUCKEM principles can be implemented in the U.S.

“I can’t wait to learn the new FUCKEM method,” said Sheila Jackson-Lee. “I’ve considered FUCKEM policies in the past, but Republicans and many of my Democratic colleagues think FUCKEM is wrong. I disagree and look forward to making FUCKEM universally accepted in Washington.”

Currently the U.S. debt is north of $16 trillion. According to budgetary experts at the accounting firm of Goldstein, Horowitz and Murphy, implementing the Cypriot solution in the United States would bring the debt down to just south of $16 trillion.

When asked about the negligible impact, Mrs. Schakowsky retorted, “We have no intention of ever resolving the debt crisis! We are just looking for a new method of achieving equality by   procuring the hard-earned money of successful folks in order to redistribute the funds until we can secure control of Congress, enabling us to pass real tax reform, you know, tax hikes on everyone earning above minimum wage.”

The CPC will be in Cyprus for three days and then will travel to the Gaza Strip in a show of   solidarity with the Palestinians, culminating in a ceremonial rocket launching at the Israeli city of Sderot.

Hell welcomes Chavez: Hollywood unhappy with eternal damnation

Detroit – As Hugo Chavez was taking his last breath, preparations for his arrival in Hell were underway to welcome the deceased dictator – murderer – torturer – piece of shit. Satan himself left his earthly dwelling – currently Cairo – to personally welcome Chavez and offer the ceremonial greeting of hot coals shoved up the anal cavity while being forced to listen to Barbara Streisand’s Oscar performance played in an endless loop.

“I don’t get down here that often anymore. It’s hot, I shvitz a lot, but it’s not that often that we get a true celebrity scumbag down here, so I made the trip,” remarked Satan. “Hugo is special. He tortured his enemies, fixed elections, supported terrorism, murdered thousands and harbors a special hatred for Jews. He truly embodies what Hell is about.”

Hugo Chavez with his favorite Hollywood Bitch!

Hugo Chavez with his favorite Hollywood Bitch!

But within hours of Chavez’s arrival in the underworld, rumors began surfacing that Chavez was unhappy with his accommodations and deeply saddened that a retinue of world renowned purveyors of evil, his personal idols, hadn’t shown up to welcome him.

“He was hoping to be greeted by his heroes; Simon Bolivar, Osama Bin-Laden, Che Guevara, Karl Marx and Muppet creator Frank Oz,” noted underworld spokesman Yasser Arafat. “But on   Tuesdays we serve cake (devil’s food), and unless you are one of the first 200 million in the chow line, you will miss out.”

Prior to his death, Chavez had spoken to future Hell resident Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who assured his friend that his life’s work would merit 72 virgins in paradise. Unfortunately for Chavez, the virgins available to him are not celibate by choice and “paradise” smells like Michael Moore’s bathroom after a chili binge.

Back on earth, Chavez supporters held a rally demanding that their hero be granted access to the Kingdom of Heaven.

“Hugo knew that every great revolution and viable government begins by eliminating voices of dissention,” commented actor Sean Penn. “So he murdered and tortured a few folks. Did you see any of my movies with Madonna or “At Close Range”? Those films tortured audiences and stole their money. Is what he did any worse?”

Chavez’s close friend director Oliver Stone added, “I mourn a great hero to the majority of his people, and so what if the minority were tortured, imprisoned and often executed! That is how equality becomes reality. Look at Joseph Stalin and Mao Tse-Tung. Maybe we need a revolution in heaven.”

According to the Hollywood Reporter, actors Tim Robbins and Danny Glover, distraught over Chavez’s demise, are currently on suicide watch.  But sources tell Schmuck Weekly that Robbins’ depression may be based on the fact that he is married to Susan Sarandon.

Schmuck Update: Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon never married. There public relationship only seemed like a never-ending torturous saga (marriage). Schmuck Weekly apologizes for the mistake. Good chance it will happen again.