Tag Archive for James Carney

James Carney caught in airport bathroom with Sgt. Schultz

Baltimore – Mired in multiple scandals, the Obama administration suffered yet another blow Tuesday afternoon when the Associated Press reported that White House press secretary James Carney was caught receiving media advice in an airport men’s room from world renowned incompetent Sgt. Hans Schultz.

AP reporter Reggie Goldstein was transferring planes at Baltimore–Washington International Airport when he noticed Carney entering a men’s room. Knowing that his bosses are still trying to get answers from the White House about the federal government’s seizure of AP phone records, Goldstein followed Carney into the men’s room, only to encounter Carney and Schultz embracing and going into a stall. Naturally assuming homosexual activity, Goldstein made his way to the exit, when he began to hear conversation.

James Carney receiving press advice from Sgt. Schultz

James Carney receiving press advice from Sgt. Schultz

“Carney was obviously crying – hysterically – begging Schultz to tell him what to say,” explained Goldstein. “The press secretary whined to Schultz that ‘the press wasn’t supposed to ask real questions and do real investigative journalism. They love Barack!  They kiss my ass!  We are supposed to govern free of accountability! Doesn’t everyone get their news from the Daily Show?’ ”

Goldstein told Schmuck Weekly that before Schultz could speak, Carney rambled on about   various options in order to evade the truth.

“We can blame Bush! Oh wait, better yet, we can blame Cheney for Benghazi,” exclaimed   Carney. “Maybe we can change the timeline and convince everyone the attack occurred on September 11, 2008 instead of 2012. I wonder if we can get the American people to believe that Bush and Cheney worked with Al Qaeda to orchestrate the attack. I’m sure we can photo-shop a picture of Bush setting the compound on fire. MSNBC will certainly get that image out to their 27 viewers.”

The AP reporter said he sat outside the stall, wishing these guys would start sending gay signals by tapping their feet, but no such luck. “I continued to listen to the mouthpiece of the President plot to deceive the public and bounce ideas of a fictional television character that passed away thirty years ago,” said Goldstein.

The most surprising development from the toilet talk was Carney’s admission that after 5:00 PM Washington time on September 11, Obama was not playing basketball, ignoring the Benghazi developments, as claimed by conservative pundits.

“He was with me playing Super Mario Brothers on an old Nintendo game system we found in the White House attic that used to belong to Bill Clinton.”

The one-sided conversation between Carney and Schultz finally turned silent, with the press secretary imploring Schultz to tell him what he should say, in what sounded like a “whimpering whisper.”

At that moment, Schultz bellowed, “I know nothing!”

Who’d Figure: Bob Woodward exposing White House lies

Two Presidents who are not fond of Bob Woodward.

Two Presidents who are not fond of Bob Woodward.

Crazy right-wing “journalist” Bob Woodward is at it again. The Washington Post reporter who,  with the help of some Jewish guy whose name escapes me, took down the Nixon administration nearly forty years ago, is using his conservative agenda to embarrass President Barack Obama.

Woodward has been on the forefront of clarifying that the sequestration idea came from the White House, that the president personally approved the plan and later signed it into law. The veteran Washington Post reporter is resorting to a ploy that many of today’s journalists aren’t familiar with – facts.

“Of course Bob Woodward has the facts on his side. He is a real – old guard – reporter,” said White House press secretary James Carney. “But the administration doesn’t work with facts and neither does anyone else in Washington. Mr. Woodward is from a school of thought that no longer exists.”

Woodward’s Journalism 101 tactics were exposed in October 2012 when he revealed in his book “The Price of Politics” that he actually got his information from senior White House officials Jack Lew, Director of the Office of Management and Budget; and Rob Nabors, Director of Legislative Affairs (no relation to Gomer Pyle). Lew and Nabors took the proposal to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid who presented it to Congress.

According to Media Matters Press Secretary Jess Levin, “Woodward is engaging in the outdated practices of research and investigative journalism. Real journalists understand that what matters is promoting Progressive ideals and the cause of centralization. The truth is a moot point, so the only logical conclusion is that Woodward is a racist.”

In an interview with CNN, Woodward said he was threatened by an anonymous senior Obama adviser by the name of Gene Sperling, Director of the National Economic Council at the White House, that he would “regret” writing an article arguing that Obama had “moved the goalposts” in negotiations over how to reduce our nation’s $845 billion budget deficit.

Incredulous that the administration would ever bully anyone, the CNN host became violently ill. Schmuck Weekly cannot confirm, but when it was revealed that former Clinton administration senior advisor Lanny Davis also received threats from the Obama White House, the aforementioned host reportedly imploded inside a New York City deli. Details remain sketchy and messy.

Schmuck Weekly will continue to update this story as the racist, right-wing extremist Woodward perseveres in his fact-driven crusade for the truth.