Tag Archive for Jesse Jackson

2013 Schmuck of the year so far nominees

Schmuck Weekly is proud, more like ashamed, to announce the 2013 Schmuck of the year so far nominees. Readers were asked to submit the name of the individual they feel truly met the definition of “Schmuck” during the first quarter of 2013. We received the names of politicians, Hollywood celebrities, world leaders and many groups and combinations of individuals. Most submissions included rationales, so the Schmuck Weekly staff made the decision to take into the account the reasons individuals cited for their favorite Schmuck (s).

Your 2013 Schmuck of the year so far nominees are (no particular order):

1.      Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu

Kissing Turkey’s ass isn’t going over well with supporters of the Jewish State.

2.      New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg

America’s Nanny is as popular as a fat chick with facial hair and a cold sore.

3.      Republican Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham

Readers fear the enlarged prostates of these GOP dinosaurs.

4.      Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel

After his confirmation hearing most Americans are convinced he takes a short yellow bus to work and leaves 15 minutes before everyone else.

5.      President Barack Obama and Speaker John Boehner

These two are about as likely to create economic growth as the Muslim Brotherhood advocating for gay rights.

 

What are you waiting for? Go cast your vote for the 2013 Schmuck of the year so far.

Rev. Jesse Jackson: No longer Camera Hog in Chief

It is not a good time to be the Rev. Jesse Jackson. Over the past few years your world has slowly crumbled. Besides losing first black president honors to Bill Clinton and Rev. Al Sharpton having a cable news program – viewed by thousands of travelers stuck in bedbug-infested hotel rooms across America – your life overall is falling apart.

But even with the recent guilty plea by your son and daughter-in-law – each looking to share a cell with (insert Illinois politician of choice) – you’ve been replaced in the position you’ve treasured most for over four decades. No longer are you “Camera Hog in Chief.”

“For decades the camera lens and I had a love affair hotter than any extramarital affair I myself or my soon-to-be convict son ever had,” lamented Rev. Jackson. “Whenever there was a hostage crisis overseas, a union strike garnering national attention or a Free Palestine Party, yours truly was the one that made sweet love to the camera.”

But on Sunday evening the final nail in the coffin of Rev. Jackson’s hogging career hammered it shut. In front of a worldwide audience, Hollywood went the extra mile at the Academy Awards and brought out First Lady Michelle Obama to present the Oscar for Best Motion Picture. Quicker than the Iranian government could photoshop sleeves on the world’s most desired arms, Jackson realized that he had lost his “Camera Hog in Chief” title.

“I won’t lie – I was devastated,” said Jackson. “Even when I was calling Jews “Hymie” and refusing to denounce Minister Farrakhan’s decades of anti-Semitism, my kosher brothers and sisters in Hollywood stood by me. Today they have severed our relationship and found another lover.”

Jackson’s conclusion is warranted. For a number of years the First Lady has been a staple on daytime talk shows and late-night television. Last week the signs became clear that she was the new Hollywood darling as her appearance on “Late night with Jimmy Fallon” rose to the next level with her participation in a dance skit that continues to scare children across the globe.

Some media experts believe that Jackson putting himself in the same category as the First Lady reveals a complete misunderstanding of his role as “Camera Hog in Chief.”

“Jesse Jackson was a true ‘Camera Hog’ – a spotlight-seeking opportunist without precedent in our nation,” said Chicago Media critic Brett Grabowski. “Sure, the reverend read Green Eggs and Ham on Saturday Night Live, but his camera career was based on hogging the spotlight when the story wasn’t about him – not providing entertainment or a public service. It was strictly about Jesse.”

Grabowski continued, “If Mrs. Obama had been unable to perform her duties at the Academy Awards, they would have found someone else to present the Oscar. That kid who played “Urkel” in the 90s sitcom Family Matters was available, as well as the one guy from Milli Vanilli who hadn’t killed himself.”