Tag Archive for Lindsey Graham

Nanny Bloomberg wins 2013 Schmuck of the year so far

Earlier today the conclave of Schmuck Weekly staffers gathered in a smoke-filled room to tally up the votes for 2013 Schmuck of the year so far. We considered the results from the online poll, Facebook page and emails submitted by readers. As we gathered with our 32-ounce cups of sugar-laden soda and legally purchased firearms, it was obvious before the count was finalized who the biggest schmuck of 2013 is.

With just over 51 percent of the total vote, Schmuck Weekly extends a heartfelt “Mazel Tov” to New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg – winner of the 2013 Schmuck of the year so far.

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“Only in America could an elitist billionaire, a true schmuck, wake up one morning and say to himself, ‘I think I’m going to outlaw Coca-Cola, because I can manage people’s lives better than they can,’ ” remarked Schmuck Weekly publisher Paulie. “Nanny Bloomberg truly exemplifies what it means to be a schmuck, and we offer him our congratulations.”

Finishing in second place was the comedy team of President Barack Obama and Speaker John Boehner. Their inept leadership earned them enough votes to qualify for second place. Better luck next time. Surprising third place finisher was Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel. His nomination hearings validated the public’s perception that most politicians are mentally challenged. Bringing up the rear were the “enlarged prostate twins” Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham, who tend to deserve schmuck honors every time they open up their mouths. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu finished a distant fifth. His recent ass-kissing of Turkey earned him a surprising nomination and raised concerns that his body may have been infiltrated by the ghost of Neville Chamberlain. The Schmuck staff regrets that Bibi didn’t tell  Turkey to stuff it, but wishes him well nevertheless.

Mayor Bloomberg’s victory earned him a nomination in the 2013 Schmuck of the year awards. More schmuck winners will rise to the surface, or rather sink to the bottom, every quarter, so keep reading and opining, and tell your friends about the best political and popular culture satire on that internet thingy.

Rand Paul filibuster angers old white guys with enlarged prostates

Republican Senator Rand Paul (KY) has become a “rock star” in the GOP. The 50 year-old ophthalmologist is being touted as a candidate for the White House in 2016 and his hairstyle is the focus of the new “Don’t drink and cut your hair” campaign. With Paul’s star on the rise, he is running up against egos and envy courtesy of the old men of the GOP.

After a 13-hour filibuster that may have caused serious damage to Paul’s bladder, the Kentucky senator was learning how badly he pissed off the Republican hierarchy.

“These Libertarian kids are loud and obnoxious. Their minds have been corrupted by those Atari video games and Dan Fogelberg music,” said Sen. John McCain (R-AZ). “The country has done fine under our watch. America must trust the people that got us into this mess to get us out of it.”

John McCain and Lindsey Graham plotting how they want to bitch-slap Rand Paul

John McCain and Lindsey Graham plotting how they want to bitch-slap Rand Paul

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham also offered some choice words for the freshman senator and his GOP colleagues that joined the filibuster fun – demanding an answer to the question, “Does the president have the authority to use a weaponized drone to kill an American not engaged in combat on American soil if the individual either looks like Ted Nugent or his name is Muhammad?”

“I do not believe that question deserves an answer,” said Graham. “What has the government ever done, especially this administration, to make Americans think they should fear for their safety? It’s not like the administration is trying to take away your Second Amendment rights.”

Schmuck Weekly tried reaching McCain for further comment, but the 76 year-old senator does not return calls after enjoying the 4:30 early bird senior special. No attempt was made by SW to contact Graham because nobody cares what he thinks.