Tag Archive for Michelle Obama

Michelle Obama uses military drones for vacation planning

Plagued by more scandals than an Illinois governor, the Obama administration finds itself confronted with news reports that the U.S. military drone program is being used by First Lady Michelle Obama to scout vacation spots for the First Family.

First Lady questioned about misuse of Drone program

First Lady questioned about misuse of Drone program

Emails and documents leaked to Schmuck Weekly by anonymous Pentagon sources reveal that the nation’s controversial drone program to hunt down terrorists on foreign soil may have been greatly exaggerated and in fact is mostly used to provide aerial photographs of resorts, beaches and cabana boys for Mrs. Obama.

“My colleagues and I became suspicious when mission orders consisted of drone patrols over Hawaii, Jamaica and the French Rivera,” said ground pilot Billy Bradshaw. “We were ordered to take images of beach front property, hedonism resorts and the physical attributes of the locals.”

According to Bradshaw, surveillance footage was then sent by inner-office mail to FLOTUS Chief of Staff Tina Tchen. Ms. Tchen was unavailable for comment as she is currently in the Bahamas conducting “research” for the First Lady.

A Pentagon official who asked not to be identified is claiming the drone program is managed by the First Lady’s office and has not been used for military activity since September 2009.

“President Obama’s tough talk about his bad ass drone attacks is just that – talk,” noted the Pentagon official. “The only time a deadly device has been launched from one of our unmanned aerial vehicles is when he sent Attorney General Eric Holder down to Mexico to pick up some quality shit (marijuana) in exchange for some guns.”

The official continued, “Apparently a rival cartel was angry that the president stopped getting his stash from them, so they attempted to hijack our truck and shots were exchanged, with American weapons from a previous deal, and eventually a drone was called in to protect the pot.”  The official went on to explain that the president switched his source at the behest of the AFL-CIO Joint Task Force, United Marijuana Farm workers Union because the former source was a right-to-work cartel.

Schmuck Weekly asked White House Press Secretary Jay Carney about these claims. He ran away from our reporter, screaming repeatedly, “I know nothing!”

Asked to comment before this article was published, Mrs. Obama questioned our priorities and patriotism, generally lambasting our investigation as a Zionist conspiracy in retaliation for the Israeli resort city of Eilat being excluded from the list of recommended vacation sites.

“Why do you care if I’m using drones to check out packages, I mean vacation spots? Haven’t you guys heard about Barack and Eric abusing their power? IRS, Benghazi, Associated Press, Manti Te’o’s girlfriend. They orchestrated all of that,” she explained. “Why don’t you guys take down my husband so I can leave this town? Don’t you think I need a vacation? I haven’t had one in almost a month.”

2013 Schmuck of the year so far nominees

Schmuck Weekly is proud, more like ashamed, to announce the 2013 Schmuck of the year so far nominees. Readers were asked to submit the name of the individual they feel truly met the definition of “Schmuck” during the first quarter of 2013. We received the names of politicians, Hollywood celebrities, world leaders and many groups and combinations of individuals. Most submissions included rationales, so the Schmuck Weekly staff made the decision to take into the account the reasons individuals cited for their favorite Schmuck (s).

Your 2013 Schmuck of the year so far nominees are (no particular order):

1.      Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu

Kissing Turkey’s ass isn’t going over well with supporters of the Jewish State.

2.      New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg

America’s Nanny is as popular as a fat chick with facial hair and a cold sore.

3.      Republican Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham

Readers fear the enlarged prostates of these GOP dinosaurs.

4.      Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel

After his confirmation hearing most Americans are convinced he takes a short yellow bus to work and leaves 15 minutes before everyone else.

5.      President Barack Obama and Speaker John Boehner

These two are about as likely to create economic growth as the Muslim Brotherhood advocating for gay rights.

 

What are you waiting for? Go cast your vote for the 2013 Schmuck of the year so far.

Obama in Israel or some place that reminds him of a deli

Trying to reassure Israelis of his strong resolve in preventing Iran from building a bomb, President Obama told Israel’s Channel 2 today that he was not going to let Iran produce a nuclear device in the next two years.  “I had to draw a line in the sand,” Obama stated.  “Netanyahu is rushing things.  I disagree with his timetable.  So, I had to let Iran know that BHO is in the hizzy and I mean business.  Two years.  That’s it.  I’m on the record.”

President Obama continued, “I’m no Hillary Clinton, running around the tarmac in Bosnia, dodging imaginary bullets. I’m for real. Don’t mess with me, I’m from Chicago.  You bust my timetable; I’ll  have Rahm bust your knee-caps.  You know, the Chicago Way!”

“Well, what do you mean by two years?”  The Channel 2 reporter inquired.

President Obama avoided going to Israel his first term thinking eating corned beef at Manny's was good enough.

President Obama avoided going to Israel his first term thinking eating corned beef at Manny’s was good enough.

“You know, two, greater than one and less than three.  Isn’t that clear?”

“Well, not exactly.  What if they take your timetable literally and just postpone the completion of a nuclear device a few months after your deadline or just a year or two later? Can Israel afford to wait?”

“That would be four years, so it won’t be my problem; it will be Michelle’s. So, I don’t want to intrude on Michelle’s decision making.  That’s not my call.  Michelle has her own way of doing things.”

“Do I understand you to say that Mrs. Obama is going to run for president in 2016?”

“Of course she is.  What – You think we could trust Biden to be president?  Did you see how quickly I had his ass shipped to Rome for the pope’s installation? I have my staff working nonstop to try and keep him there. I think we will have him stop in Cyprus to open up a few bank accounts for our country.”

As Schmuck Weekly reported last week, Catholics in the United States greatly feared that the vice president would embarrass our nation by saying something stupid. It appears that may have happened in private.

“Joe and I discussed gay marriage before his trip to Rome,” said Mr. Obama. “He told me the pope can’t possibly be close-minded to homosexuals marrying. ‘When I go to Rome,’ he declared, ‘I’m going to lobby him.’ And then he looks at me with a straight face and says, ‘You know, the church could start by letting some of these pedophiles marry each other.  That would calm things down.’

“Can you imagine?  We’re still recovering from the shotgun statement.  You know, get women to shoot shotguns instead of AR-15s.  Some gun organization put up You Tube videos of women being thrown back by shooting twelve-gauges.  I thought some of them must have pissed in their panties, the recoil was so fierce.  Everyone is laughing, except my press office.”

“So, is that why you want Michelle to run?”

“Hell no, I want Michelle to move back to Hawaii, hang out on the beach, and smoke weed with me like I did in college. But she has a mind of her own.”

“So, it’s her idea?”

“Yeah, Biden is out and that leaves Hillary.  Michelle can’t stand that drama queen.  The idea of Hillary coming in here, redecorating and changing the china patterns, it’s too much for Michelle. And you’d never see any of that really great black talent entertaining in the White House.  She and Bill would probably have some of that country-hillbilly music out of Arkansas instead.  It isn’t going to happen!  We’ve come too far to turn this place over to someone who spent her most formative social years in the culture of Little Rock.  Do you know, when Hillary decorated the governor’s mansion, Better Homes and Gardens said that it looked like something out of the “Beverly Hillbillies”? I will protect our great nation against the likes of Hillary turning the White House into glorified Hooters.”

“Now, Mr. President, with all due respect, the Clintons hosted some really great popular music events.  How do you explain that?”

“In a word, Monica.”

“What, Lewinsky?”

“Yes, Monica could not only blow a mean flute, but she knew who in Hollywood was worth inviting to jam in the Oval Office.”

“Well, Mr. President, we’ve digressed from the Iran problem.  Let me ask you this:  What would Michelle do as president to keep Iran from getting the bomb?”

“Like everyone, you’ve seen Michelle’s triceps.  That girl has muscle.  She’d walk over to Ahmadinejad – that dwarf – and punch his lights out so hard he’d think he got hit by an Israeli preemptive strike – which I of course don’t support.”

First Lady honors anti-Semite and enthusiastic celebrant of 9/11

Samira Ibrahim is the latest recipient of the Department of State’s International Women of Courage Award.  Joining Secretary of State John Kerry to present the award will be First Lady Michelle Obama for whom this will indeed be a proud moment.

Ibrahim was among the women forcibly subjected to a virginity test by the new government of Egypt for demonstrating in Tahrir Square.  You have to hand it to the Obama administration.  One day they are handing out money to the government that supports raping women and the next they are giving an award to one of the victims. Who says you can’t have a finger in every pie?

Among Ms. Ibrahim’s other credentials for the award is that she is a Muslim.  It seems that only Muslim women qualify, for only Muslim women can be courageous.  In addition, she is a rabid anti-Semite, enthusiastic celebrant of the 9/11 tragedy, and loves Adolph Hitler. When Americans or Israelis die, Ms. Ibrahim creatively tweets her unrestrained pleasure.

Samira Ibrahim contemplating her next anti-Semitic tweet.

Samira Ibrahim contemplating her next anti-Semitic tweet.

“This might be true,” a visibly upset Michelle Obama said to a reporter from Christian News Network, who was holding the First Lady accountable. “But she is, after all, no Holocaust denier like some of the other finalists for the award. What distinguishes Samira and what impressed me, as one of the judges, is that she not only acknowledges that the Holocaust occurred, but she also has gone to great lengths to articulate the role of the Jewish conspiracy behind Hitler and the Holocaust.  This put her light years ahead of the other candidates. I know this is true because I went to Princeton.  You should read my senior thesis to see how accomplished I was at such a tender age.  Well, you should read it, if Princeton will ever release it, that is.”

Asked for a comment on the award, former President Jimmy Carter noted, “I think this is a great thing.  At first, there was some resistance from the Saudis who think that rape is an appropriate punishment for women who go to demonstrations and are out and about without being accompanied by a male relative.  You know, the Saudis rescued my peanut farm when it nearly went into bankruptcy from Billy’s mismanagement of the place.  Ms. Lillian tried to get Billy to stop drinking, but when they made that ‘Billy Beer,’ he just couldn’t resist it.  Thanks to Allah—err I mean God—for the Saudis and their generosity.  I am deferential to the Saudi view of things. How could I not be?  But when I told them Ms. Ibrahim celebrated 9/11, loved Hitler, and spoke of the Holocaust as a Jewish conspiracy, well, you know, how could they resist?”

Carter went on to say that the Saudis were concerned about the results of the virginity test.  But Carter assuaged their concerns by telling them that Bill Clinton and Senator Bob Menendez were independently going to perform an internal, hands-on investigation of the matter. Caught in a legal battle over allegations of sexual impropriety with teenage girls, Menendez said that if he was not available, former Illinois Congressman Mel Reynolds was eager to replace him.  “Congressman Reynolds’ reputation for expertise in this matter precedes him,” Menendez said.  “Some of us sneak around and have sex with underage girls, but few, like Reynolds, have the courage to go to prison for their beliefs. Reynolds is a stand-up guy that other Democrats should emulate.”

Schmuck Weekly Update

Media inquiries have apparently forced someone at the Department of State to pull their head out of their ass and take a closer look at Ms. Ibrahim. Though she has traveled to the U.S. to receive the International Women of Courage Award, her trip has turned out to be a waste of time and taxpayer money. A little birdy named Twitter reported that the anti-Semitic bitch has left a trail of tweets quoting Hitler, celebrating the murder of Israelis in Bulgaria, and applauding the September 11, 2012 siege of the U.S. embassy in Cairo.

In a desperate effort to save her award, Ibrahim claimed that her Twitter page was hacked, undoubtedly by Zionists – you know – Jews. But on her alleged hacked Twitter account she wrote (translated from Arabic) “I refuse to apologize to the Zionist lobby in America regarding my previous anti-Zionist statements under pressure from American government therefore they withdrew the award.”

Rev. Jesse Jackson: No longer Camera Hog in Chief

It is not a good time to be the Rev. Jesse Jackson. Over the past few years your world has slowly crumbled. Besides losing first black president honors to Bill Clinton and Rev. Al Sharpton having a cable news program – viewed by thousands of travelers stuck in bedbug-infested hotel rooms across America – your life overall is falling apart.

But even with the recent guilty plea by your son and daughter-in-law – each looking to share a cell with (insert Illinois politician of choice) – you’ve been replaced in the position you’ve treasured most for over four decades. No longer are you “Camera Hog in Chief.”

“For decades the camera lens and I had a love affair hotter than any extramarital affair I myself or my soon-to-be convict son ever had,” lamented Rev. Jackson. “Whenever there was a hostage crisis overseas, a union strike garnering national attention or a Free Palestine Party, yours truly was the one that made sweet love to the camera.”

But on Sunday evening the final nail in the coffin of Rev. Jackson’s hogging career hammered it shut. In front of a worldwide audience, Hollywood went the extra mile at the Academy Awards and brought out First Lady Michelle Obama to present the Oscar for Best Motion Picture. Quicker than the Iranian government could photoshop sleeves on the world’s most desired arms, Jackson realized that he had lost his “Camera Hog in Chief” title.

“I won’t lie – I was devastated,” said Jackson. “Even when I was calling Jews “Hymie” and refusing to denounce Minister Farrakhan’s decades of anti-Semitism, my kosher brothers and sisters in Hollywood stood by me. Today they have severed our relationship and found another lover.”

Jackson’s conclusion is warranted. For a number of years the First Lady has been a staple on daytime talk shows and late-night television. Last week the signs became clear that she was the new Hollywood darling as her appearance on “Late night with Jimmy Fallon” rose to the next level with her participation in a dance skit that continues to scare children across the globe.

Some media experts believe that Jackson putting himself in the same category as the First Lady reveals a complete misunderstanding of his role as “Camera Hog in Chief.”

“Jesse Jackson was a true ‘Camera Hog’ – a spotlight-seeking opportunist without precedent in our nation,” said Chicago Media critic Brett Grabowski. “Sure, the reverend read Green Eggs and Ham on Saturday Night Live, but his camera career was based on hogging the spotlight when the story wasn’t about him – not providing entertainment or a public service. It was strictly about Jesse.”

Grabowski continued, “If Mrs. Obama had been unable to perform her duties at the Academy Awards, they would have found someone else to present the Oscar. That kid who played “Urkel” in the 90s sitcom Family Matters was available, as well as the one guy from Milli Vanilli who hadn’t killed himself.”