Detroit – As Hugo Chavez was taking his last breath, preparations for his arrival in Hell were underway to welcome the deceased dictator – murderer – torturer – piece of shit. Satan himself left his earthly dwelling – currently Cairo – to personally welcome Chavez and offer the ceremonial greeting of hot coals shoved up the anal cavity while being forced to listen to Barbara Streisand’s Oscar performance played in an endless loop.
“I don’t get down here that often anymore. It’s hot, I shvitz a lot, but it’s not that often that we get a true celebrity scumbag down here, so I made the trip,” remarked Satan. “Hugo is special. He tortured his enemies, fixed elections, supported terrorism, murdered thousands and harbors a special hatred for Jews. He truly embodies what Hell is about.”
But within hours of Chavez’s arrival in the underworld, rumors began surfacing that Chavez was unhappy with his accommodations and deeply saddened that a retinue of world renowned purveyors of evil, his personal idols, hadn’t shown up to welcome him.
“He was hoping to be greeted by his heroes; Simon Bolivar, Osama Bin-Laden, Che Guevara, Karl Marx and Muppet creator Frank Oz,” noted underworld spokesman Yasser Arafat. “But on Tuesdays we serve cake (devil’s food), and unless you are one of the first 200 million in the chow line, you will miss out.”
Prior to his death, Chavez had spoken to future Hell resident Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who assured his friend that his life’s work would merit 72 virgins in paradise. Unfortunately for Chavez, the virgins available to him are not celibate by choice and “paradise” smells like Michael Moore’s bathroom after a chili binge.
Back on earth, Chavez supporters held a rally demanding that their hero be granted access to the Kingdom of Heaven.
“Hugo knew that every great revolution and viable government begins by eliminating voices of dissention,” commented actor Sean Penn. “So he murdered and tortured a few folks. Did you see any of my movies with Madonna or “At Close Range”? Those films tortured audiences and stole their money. Is what he did any worse?”
Chavez’s close friend director Oliver Stone added, “I mourn a great hero to the majority of his people, and so what if the minority were tortured, imprisoned and often executed! That is how equality becomes reality. Look at Joseph Stalin and Mao Tse-Tung. Maybe we need a revolution in heaven.”
According to the Hollywood Reporter, actors Tim Robbins and Danny Glover, distraught over Chavez’s demise, are currently on suicide watch. But sources tell Schmuck Weekly that Robbins’ depression may be based on the fact that he is married to Susan Sarandon.
Schmuck Update: Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon never married. There public relationship only seemed like a never-ending torturous saga (marriage). Schmuck Weekly apologizes for the mistake. Good chance it will happen again.