Tag Archive for Pope

Obama in Israel or some place that reminds him of a deli

Trying to reassure Israelis of his strong resolve in preventing Iran from building a bomb, President Obama told Israel’s Channel 2 today that he was not going to let Iran produce a nuclear device in the next two years.  “I had to draw a line in the sand,” Obama stated.  “Netanyahu is rushing things.  I disagree with his timetable.  So, I had to let Iran know that BHO is in the hizzy and I mean business.  Two years.  That’s it.  I’m on the record.”

President Obama continued, “I’m no Hillary Clinton, running around the tarmac in Bosnia, dodging imaginary bullets. I’m for real. Don’t mess with me, I’m from Chicago.  You bust my timetable; I’ll  have Rahm bust your knee-caps.  You know, the Chicago Way!”

“Well, what do you mean by two years?”  The Channel 2 reporter inquired.

President Obama avoided going to Israel his first term thinking eating corned beef at Manny's was good enough.

President Obama avoided going to Israel his first term thinking eating corned beef at Manny’s was good enough.

“You know, two, greater than one and less than three.  Isn’t that clear?”

“Well, not exactly.  What if they take your timetable literally and just postpone the completion of a nuclear device a few months after your deadline or just a year or two later? Can Israel afford to wait?”

“That would be four years, so it won’t be my problem; it will be Michelle’s. So, I don’t want to intrude on Michelle’s decision making.  That’s not my call.  Michelle has her own way of doing things.”

“Do I understand you to say that Mrs. Obama is going to run for president in 2016?”

“Of course she is.  What – You think we could trust Biden to be president?  Did you see how quickly I had his ass shipped to Rome for the pope’s installation? I have my staff working nonstop to try and keep him there. I think we will have him stop in Cyprus to open up a few bank accounts for our country.”

As Schmuck Weekly reported last week, Catholics in the United States greatly feared that the vice president would embarrass our nation by saying something stupid. It appears that may have happened in private.

“Joe and I discussed gay marriage before his trip to Rome,” said Mr. Obama. “He told me the pope can’t possibly be close-minded to homosexuals marrying. ‘When I go to Rome,’ he declared, ‘I’m going to lobby him.’ And then he looks at me with a straight face and says, ‘You know, the church could start by letting some of these pedophiles marry each other.  That would calm things down.’

“Can you imagine?  We’re still recovering from the shotgun statement.  You know, get women to shoot shotguns instead of AR-15s.  Some gun organization put up You Tube videos of women being thrown back by shooting twelve-gauges.  I thought some of them must have pissed in their panties, the recoil was so fierce.  Everyone is laughing, except my press office.”

“So, is that why you want Michelle to run?”

“Hell no, I want Michelle to move back to Hawaii, hang out on the beach, and smoke weed with me like I did in college. But she has a mind of her own.”

“So, it’s her idea?”

“Yeah, Biden is out and that leaves Hillary.  Michelle can’t stand that drama queen.  The idea of Hillary coming in here, redecorating and changing the china patterns, it’s too much for Michelle. And you’d never see any of that really great black talent entertaining in the White House.  She and Bill would probably have some of that country-hillbilly music out of Arkansas instead.  It isn’t going to happen!  We’ve come too far to turn this place over to someone who spent her most formative social years in the culture of Little Rock.  Do you know, when Hillary decorated the governor’s mansion, Better Homes and Gardens said that it looked like something out of the “Beverly Hillbillies”? I will protect our great nation against the likes of Hillary turning the White House into glorified Hooters.”

“Now, Mr. President, with all due respect, the Clintons hosted some really great popular music events.  How do you explain that?”

“In a word, Monica.”

“What, Lewinsky?”

“Yes, Monica could not only blow a mean flute, but she knew who in Hollywood was worth inviting to jam in the Oval Office.”

“Well, Mr. President, we’ve digressed from the Iran problem.  Let me ask you this:  What would Michelle do as president to keep Iran from getting the bomb?”

“Like everyone, you’ve seen Michelle’s triceps.  That girl has muscle.  She’d walk over to Ahmadinejad – that dwarf – and punch his lights out so hard he’d think he got hit by an Israeli preemptive strike – which I of course don’t support.”

Catholics fear Biden’s trip to Rome

Whether he is downplaying the severity of abusing women with a “garden-variety slap across the face,” or telling a crowd of African Americans that Republicans are “going to put y’all back in chains,” Vice President Joe Biden can always be counted on to say something inappropriate and offensive at the worst possible moment. For this reason Catholics across the United States are voicing their concerns that Mr. Biden will be representing our nation at the upcoming installation of Pope Francis in Rome.

“What genius thought it was a good idea to send Joe Biden to Rome for this holy moment?” quipped Catholic League spokesman Patrick Daley. “I would be more comfortable sending a football coach with Tourette syndrome to meet the Holy Father than a complete idiot.”

Vice President Joe Biden explains to a crowd why he is mentally challenged.

Vice President Joe Biden explains to a crowd why he is mentally challenged.

Some in the Catholic community believe the decision to send Biden to Rome is part of a larger plan – conspiracy – to embarrass church leaders who have voiced their concerns regarding Obamacare.

“Nobody in their right mind would send a buffoon to this milestone moment in history unless there was an agenda attached to the decision,” asserted Chicago Catholic Richard Callahan. “This was going to be a wonderful St. Patrick’s Day, but instead of enjoying lively spirits, Catholics will be drinking heavily to drown their fears over the debacle that will be unleashed in Rome.”

A member of President Obama’s “social welfare” organization Organizing for America, speaking on condition of anonymity, told Schmuck Weekly, “If we believed in God we’d be praying for the vice president to f*ck up. After the installation we are going to start our new fundraising campaign ‘Shut Crazy Uncle Joe Up!’”

The spokesman continued, “We are going to sell T-shirts, bumper stickers, mugs and our featured product will be a Crazy Uncle Joe muzzle. Conservatives don’t know how to turn lemons into Limoncello – We do!”