Tag Archive for Schmuck Weekly

Press furious, blame Obama for their skyrocketing health care costs

Screams of rage could be heard along Lexington Avenue. Cursing was the predominant sound along 8th. Such verbal abuse and colorful language may be commonplace in New York City, but amongst the elitist newsmen – the beautiful people – the best Manhattan has to offer sounded like football fans at a Bears/Packers game on this cold October day. The New York press corps had  just received their health insurance notices.

ObamacomputerThe first reports of concern surfaced via Twitter outside the New York Times building.

“Sounds like a horse is being tortured inside NYT building. Chair slammed against window. #wellbeingcheck #needadrink” – @alecbaldwin

“I think I hear @NYTimesDowd getting a Brazilian. Lambs being slaughtered inside NYT building. #nosugardrinks #hatefatpeople” – @mayormike

Democrats and anti-Israel activists were relieved to learn everyone was safe and unharmed inside the NYT offices when journalists began tweeting the cause of their terror.

“WTF Obama! My premiums just shot up higher than the national debt. What is a 6K deductible? #obamacaresux #needahug” – @pkrugman

“Botox not covered. Premiums higher than me on Thursdays. May have to start shopping at Sears.  #needadrink #teapartyright” – @nygail

Similar cries were evident on social media outside the offices of Bloomberg News and the New York bureau of the Boston Globe.

“Haven’t heard cursing in Yiddish that profane since before Uncle Nate died. Anger inside Bloomberg News offices. #workplaceviolence #asianhappyending” – @larrydavis

“Sounds like a Kennedy ran out of whiskey inside the @bostonglobe building. #call911” – @carlosdanger

Schmuck Weekly was able to obtain comment that confirmed the Obamacare reality that struck the journalism world on Thursday.

“We have been promoting this program as heaven sent, the cure for the nation’s ills,” said New York Times columnist Paul Dowd. “But my premium shot up so much my children may have to attend public school – with minorities.”

Schmuck Weekly will continue tracking the developing Obamacare nightmare that is ravaging the journalism community. We will notify our readers if any children of these media elitists will become classmates of your kids.  For the latest on home-schooling laws in your state, keep it here or follow us @SchmuckWeekly.

Michelle Obama uses military drones for vacation planning

Plagued by more scandals than an Illinois governor, the Obama administration finds itself confronted with news reports that the U.S. military drone program is being used by First Lady Michelle Obama to scout vacation spots for the First Family.

First Lady questioned about misuse of Drone program

First Lady questioned about misuse of Drone program

Emails and documents leaked to Schmuck Weekly by anonymous Pentagon sources reveal that the nation’s controversial drone program to hunt down terrorists on foreign soil may have been greatly exaggerated and in fact is mostly used to provide aerial photographs of resorts, beaches and cabana boys for Mrs. Obama.

“My colleagues and I became suspicious when mission orders consisted of drone patrols over Hawaii, Jamaica and the French Rivera,” said ground pilot Billy Bradshaw. “We were ordered to take images of beach front property, hedonism resorts and the physical attributes of the locals.”

According to Bradshaw, surveillance footage was then sent by inner-office mail to FLOTUS Chief of Staff Tina Tchen. Ms. Tchen was unavailable for comment as she is currently in the Bahamas conducting “research” for the First Lady.

A Pentagon official who asked not to be identified is claiming the drone program is managed by the First Lady’s office and has not been used for military activity since September 2009.

“President Obama’s tough talk about his bad ass drone attacks is just that – talk,” noted the Pentagon official. “The only time a deadly device has been launched from one of our unmanned aerial vehicles is when he sent Attorney General Eric Holder down to Mexico to pick up some quality shit (marijuana) in exchange for some guns.”

The official continued, “Apparently a rival cartel was angry that the president stopped getting his stash from them, so they attempted to hijack our truck and shots were exchanged, with American weapons from a previous deal, and eventually a drone was called in to protect the pot.”  The official went on to explain that the president switched his source at the behest of the AFL-CIO Joint Task Force, United Marijuana Farm workers Union because the former source was a right-to-work cartel.

Schmuck Weekly asked White House Press Secretary Jay Carney about these claims. He ran away from our reporter, screaming repeatedly, “I know nothing!”

Asked to comment before this article was published, Mrs. Obama questioned our priorities and patriotism, generally lambasting our investigation as a Zionist conspiracy in retaliation for the Israeli resort city of Eilat being excluded from the list of recommended vacation sites.

“Why do you care if I’m using drones to check out packages, I mean vacation spots? Haven’t you guys heard about Barack and Eric abusing their power? IRS, Benghazi, Associated Press, Manti Te’o’s girlfriend. They orchestrated all of that,” she explained. “Why don’t you guys take down my husband so I can leave this town? Don’t you think I need a vacation? I haven’t had one in almost a month.”

Nanny Bloomberg wins 2013 Schmuck of the year so far

Earlier today the conclave of Schmuck Weekly staffers gathered in a smoke-filled room to tally up the votes for 2013 Schmuck of the year so far. We considered the results from the online poll, Facebook page and emails submitted by readers. As we gathered with our 32-ounce cups of sugar-laden soda and legally purchased firearms, it was obvious before the count was finalized who the biggest schmuck of 2013 is.

With just over 51 percent of the total vote, Schmuck Weekly extends a heartfelt “Mazel Tov” to New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg – winner of the 2013 Schmuck of the year so far.

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“Only in America could an elitist billionaire, a true schmuck, wake up one morning and say to himself, ‘I think I’m going to outlaw Coca-Cola, because I can manage people’s lives better than they can,’ ” remarked Schmuck Weekly publisher Paulie. “Nanny Bloomberg truly exemplifies what it means to be a schmuck, and we offer him our congratulations.”

Finishing in second place was the comedy team of President Barack Obama and Speaker John Boehner. Their inept leadership earned them enough votes to qualify for second place. Better luck next time. Surprising third place finisher was Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel. His nomination hearings validated the public’s perception that most politicians are mentally challenged. Bringing up the rear were the “enlarged prostate twins” Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham, who tend to deserve schmuck honors every time they open up their mouths. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu finished a distant fifth. His recent ass-kissing of Turkey earned him a surprising nomination and raised concerns that his body may have been infiltrated by the ghost of Neville Chamberlain. The Schmuck staff regrets that Bibi didn’t tell  Turkey to stuff it, but wishes him well nevertheless.

Mayor Bloomberg’s victory earned him a nomination in the 2013 Schmuck of the year awards. More schmuck winners will rise to the surface, or rather sink to the bottom, every quarter, so keep reading and opining, and tell your friends about the best political and popular culture satire on that internet thingy.

2013 Schmuck of the year so far nominees

Schmuck Weekly is proud, more like ashamed, to announce the 2013 Schmuck of the year so far nominees. Readers were asked to submit the name of the individual they feel truly met the definition of “Schmuck” during the first quarter of 2013. We received the names of politicians, Hollywood celebrities, world leaders and many groups and combinations of individuals. Most submissions included rationales, so the Schmuck Weekly staff made the decision to take into the account the reasons individuals cited for their favorite Schmuck (s).

Your 2013 Schmuck of the year so far nominees are (no particular order):

1.      Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu

Kissing Turkey’s ass isn’t going over well with supporters of the Jewish State.

2.      New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg

America’s Nanny is as popular as a fat chick with facial hair and a cold sore.

3.      Republican Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham

Readers fear the enlarged prostates of these GOP dinosaurs.

4.      Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel

After his confirmation hearing most Americans are convinced he takes a short yellow bus to work and leaves 15 minutes before everyone else.

5.      President Barack Obama and Speaker John Boehner

These two are about as likely to create economic growth as the Muslim Brotherhood advocating for gay rights.

 

What are you waiting for? Go cast your vote for the 2013 Schmuck of the year so far.

Who is the biggest “Schmuck” of 2013 so far?

We are taking nominations for our first Schmuck of the month poll. In honor of March Madness, we are expanding the nominees to include anyone who you think has behaved like a schmuck the first part of 2013. Please submit your nominee on the Schmuck Weekly Facebook page or email: paulie@schmuckweekly.com with your biggest “Schmuck” of 2013 so far.

Finalists will be announced on Thursday.

So many schmucks, so little time.

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Schmuck Weekly Publisher

 

Obama in Israel or some place that reminds him of a deli

Trying to reassure Israelis of his strong resolve in preventing Iran from building a bomb, President Obama told Israel’s Channel 2 today that he was not going to let Iran produce a nuclear device in the next two years.  “I had to draw a line in the sand,” Obama stated.  “Netanyahu is rushing things.  I disagree with his timetable.  So, I had to let Iran know that BHO is in the hizzy and I mean business.  Two years.  That’s it.  I’m on the record.”

President Obama continued, “I’m no Hillary Clinton, running around the tarmac in Bosnia, dodging imaginary bullets. I’m for real. Don’t mess with me, I’m from Chicago.  You bust my timetable; I’ll  have Rahm bust your knee-caps.  You know, the Chicago Way!”

“Well, what do you mean by two years?”  The Channel 2 reporter inquired.

President Obama avoided going to Israel his first term thinking eating corned beef at Manny's was good enough.

President Obama avoided going to Israel his first term thinking eating corned beef at Manny’s was good enough.

“You know, two, greater than one and less than three.  Isn’t that clear?”

“Well, not exactly.  What if they take your timetable literally and just postpone the completion of a nuclear device a few months after your deadline or just a year or two later? Can Israel afford to wait?”

“That would be four years, so it won’t be my problem; it will be Michelle’s. So, I don’t want to intrude on Michelle’s decision making.  That’s not my call.  Michelle has her own way of doing things.”

“Do I understand you to say that Mrs. Obama is going to run for president in 2016?”

“Of course she is.  What – You think we could trust Biden to be president?  Did you see how quickly I had his ass shipped to Rome for the pope’s installation? I have my staff working nonstop to try and keep him there. I think we will have him stop in Cyprus to open up a few bank accounts for our country.”

As Schmuck Weekly reported last week, Catholics in the United States greatly feared that the vice president would embarrass our nation by saying something stupid. It appears that may have happened in private.

“Joe and I discussed gay marriage before his trip to Rome,” said Mr. Obama. “He told me the pope can’t possibly be close-minded to homosexuals marrying. ‘When I go to Rome,’ he declared, ‘I’m going to lobby him.’ And then he looks at me with a straight face and says, ‘You know, the church could start by letting some of these pedophiles marry each other.  That would calm things down.’

“Can you imagine?  We’re still recovering from the shotgun statement.  You know, get women to shoot shotguns instead of AR-15s.  Some gun organization put up You Tube videos of women being thrown back by shooting twelve-gauges.  I thought some of them must have pissed in their panties, the recoil was so fierce.  Everyone is laughing, except my press office.”

“So, is that why you want Michelle to run?”

“Hell no, I want Michelle to move back to Hawaii, hang out on the beach, and smoke weed with me like I did in college. But she has a mind of her own.”

“So, it’s her idea?”

“Yeah, Biden is out and that leaves Hillary.  Michelle can’t stand that drama queen.  The idea of Hillary coming in here, redecorating and changing the china patterns, it’s too much for Michelle. And you’d never see any of that really great black talent entertaining in the White House.  She and Bill would probably have some of that country-hillbilly music out of Arkansas instead.  It isn’t going to happen!  We’ve come too far to turn this place over to someone who spent her most formative social years in the culture of Little Rock.  Do you know, when Hillary decorated the governor’s mansion, Better Homes and Gardens said that it looked like something out of the “Beverly Hillbillies”? I will protect our great nation against the likes of Hillary turning the White House into glorified Hooters.”

“Now, Mr. President, with all due respect, the Clintons hosted some really great popular music events.  How do you explain that?”

“In a word, Monica.”

“What, Lewinsky?”

“Yes, Monica could not only blow a mean flute, but she knew who in Hollywood was worth inviting to jam in the Oval Office.”

“Well, Mr. President, we’ve digressed from the Iran problem.  Let me ask you this:  What would Michelle do as president to keep Iran from getting the bomb?”

“Like everyone, you’ve seen Michelle’s triceps.  That girl has muscle.  She’d walk over to Ahmadinejad – that dwarf – and punch his lights out so hard he’d think he got hit by an Israeli preemptive strike – which I of course don’t support.”

Catholics fear Biden’s trip to Rome

Whether he is downplaying the severity of abusing women with a “garden-variety slap across the face,” or telling a crowd of African Americans that Republicans are “going to put y’all back in chains,” Vice President Joe Biden can always be counted on to say something inappropriate and offensive at the worst possible moment. For this reason Catholics across the United States are voicing their concerns that Mr. Biden will be representing our nation at the upcoming installation of Pope Francis in Rome.

“What genius thought it was a good idea to send Joe Biden to Rome for this holy moment?” quipped Catholic League spokesman Patrick Daley. “I would be more comfortable sending a football coach with Tourette syndrome to meet the Holy Father than a complete idiot.”

Vice President Joe Biden explains to a crowd why he is mentally challenged.

Vice President Joe Biden explains to a crowd why he is mentally challenged.

Some in the Catholic community believe the decision to send Biden to Rome is part of a larger plan – conspiracy – to embarrass church leaders who have voiced their concerns regarding Obamacare.

“Nobody in their right mind would send a buffoon to this milestone moment in history unless there was an agenda attached to the decision,” asserted Chicago Catholic Richard Callahan. “This was going to be a wonderful St. Patrick’s Day, but instead of enjoying lively spirits, Catholics will be drinking heavily to drown their fears over the debacle that will be unleashed in Rome.”

A member of President Obama’s “social welfare” organization Organizing for America, speaking on condition of anonymity, told Schmuck Weekly, “If we believed in God we’d be praying for the vice president to f*ck up. After the installation we are going to start our new fundraising campaign ‘Shut Crazy Uncle Joe Up!’”

The spokesman continued, “We are going to sell T-shirts, bumper stickers, mugs and our featured product will be a Crazy Uncle Joe muzzle. Conservatives don’t know how to turn lemons into Limoncello – We do!”

Hell welcomes Chavez: Hollywood unhappy with eternal damnation

Detroit – As Hugo Chavez was taking his last breath, preparations for his arrival in Hell were underway to welcome the deceased dictator – murderer – torturer – piece of shit. Satan himself left his earthly dwelling – currently Cairo – to personally welcome Chavez and offer the ceremonial greeting of hot coals shoved up the anal cavity while being forced to listen to Barbara Streisand’s Oscar performance played in an endless loop.

“I don’t get down here that often anymore. It’s hot, I shvitz a lot, but it’s not that often that we get a true celebrity scumbag down here, so I made the trip,” remarked Satan. “Hugo is special. He tortured his enemies, fixed elections, supported terrorism, murdered thousands and harbors a special hatred for Jews. He truly embodies what Hell is about.”

Hugo Chavez with his favorite Hollywood Bitch!

Hugo Chavez with his favorite Hollywood Bitch!

But within hours of Chavez’s arrival in the underworld, rumors began surfacing that Chavez was unhappy with his accommodations and deeply saddened that a retinue of world renowned purveyors of evil, his personal idols, hadn’t shown up to welcome him.

“He was hoping to be greeted by his heroes; Simon Bolivar, Osama Bin-Laden, Che Guevara, Karl Marx and Muppet creator Frank Oz,” noted underworld spokesman Yasser Arafat. “But on   Tuesdays we serve cake (devil’s food), and unless you are one of the first 200 million in the chow line, you will miss out.”

Prior to his death, Chavez had spoken to future Hell resident Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who assured his friend that his life’s work would merit 72 virgins in paradise. Unfortunately for Chavez, the virgins available to him are not celibate by choice and “paradise” smells like Michael Moore’s bathroom after a chili binge.

Back on earth, Chavez supporters held a rally demanding that their hero be granted access to the Kingdom of Heaven.

“Hugo knew that every great revolution and viable government begins by eliminating voices of dissention,” commented actor Sean Penn. “So he murdered and tortured a few folks. Did you see any of my movies with Madonna or “At Close Range”? Those films tortured audiences and stole their money. Is what he did any worse?”

Chavez’s close friend director Oliver Stone added, “I mourn a great hero to the majority of his people, and so what if the minority were tortured, imprisoned and often executed! That is how equality becomes reality. Look at Joseph Stalin and Mao Tse-Tung. Maybe we need a revolution in heaven.”

According to the Hollywood Reporter, actors Tim Robbins and Danny Glover, distraught over Chavez’s demise, are currently on suicide watch.  But sources tell Schmuck Weekly that Robbins’ depression may be based on the fact that he is married to Susan Sarandon.

Schmuck Update: Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon never married. There public relationship only seemed like a never-ending torturous saga (marriage). Schmuck Weekly apologizes for the mistake. Good chance it will happen again.

Who’d Figure: Bob Woodward exposing White House lies

Two Presidents who are not fond of Bob Woodward.

Two Presidents who are not fond of Bob Woodward.

Crazy right-wing “journalist” Bob Woodward is at it again. The Washington Post reporter who,  with the help of some Jewish guy whose name escapes me, took down the Nixon administration nearly forty years ago, is using his conservative agenda to embarrass President Barack Obama.

Woodward has been on the forefront of clarifying that the sequestration idea came from the White House, that the president personally approved the plan and later signed it into law. The veteran Washington Post reporter is resorting to a ploy that many of today’s journalists aren’t familiar with – facts.

“Of course Bob Woodward has the facts on his side. He is a real – old guard – reporter,” said White House press secretary James Carney. “But the administration doesn’t work with facts and neither does anyone else in Washington. Mr. Woodward is from a school of thought that no longer exists.”

Woodward’s Journalism 101 tactics were exposed in October 2012 when he revealed in his book “The Price of Politics” that he actually got his information from senior White House officials Jack Lew, Director of the Office of Management and Budget; and Rob Nabors, Director of Legislative Affairs (no relation to Gomer Pyle). Lew and Nabors took the proposal to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid who presented it to Congress.

According to Media Matters Press Secretary Jess Levin, “Woodward is engaging in the outdated practices of research and investigative journalism. Real journalists understand that what matters is promoting Progressive ideals and the cause of centralization. The truth is a moot point, so the only logical conclusion is that Woodward is a racist.”

In an interview with CNN, Woodward said he was threatened by an anonymous senior Obama adviser by the name of Gene Sperling, Director of the National Economic Council at the White House, that he would “regret” writing an article arguing that Obama had “moved the goalposts” in negotiations over how to reduce our nation’s $845 billion budget deficit.

Incredulous that the administration would ever bully anyone, the CNN host became violently ill. Schmuck Weekly cannot confirm, but when it was revealed that former Clinton administration senior advisor Lanny Davis also received threats from the Obama White House, the aforementioned host reportedly imploded inside a New York City deli. Details remain sketchy and messy.

Schmuck Weekly will continue to update this story as the racist, right-wing extremist Woodward perseveres in his fact-driven crusade for the truth.

Go “Frack” Yourself!

As the debate over hydraulic fracturing (fracking) continues to make headlines across the country, a recent poll conducted by Schmuck Weekly’s Analysis & Hacking Of Laughable Excrement department (A*HOLE) in conjunction with the Ditka Polling Company surveyed 800 likely voters on how they perceive the issue.

“The results are shocking,” observed pollster Michael Ditka. “People have no opinion about fracking – they are clueless about the debate. The average schmuck on the street just likes saying the word.”

Ninety-one percent of likely voters offered no opinion about the issue.  Five percent thought that hydraulic fracturing referred to a bone injury sustained while bathing or swimming. The remaining four percent being a moot point, A*HOLE added an additional polling question:

“Do you just like saying the word “fracking”?

Ninety-five percent of all respondents admitted enjoying saying the word “fracking.” Even the six percent of respondents who support the idea of hydraulic fracturing indicated that they love to debate the issue just for the opportunity to say “fracking.”

The three percent opposed to the procedure, when asked the question about enjoyment from simply uttering the word, told the interviewer to “go frack himself.”

“This is very concerning,” said environmentalist and Schmuck Weekly inspiration Al Gore. Speaking from his private jet enroute to Qatar, Gore told an A*HOLE investigator, “Americans are fracking stupid about the environment. Fracking isn’t a fracking joke. It’s about cheaper gasoline, providing well-paying jobs and obstructing my funding from Arab oil empires. How will I be able to save the planet if I don’t have oil money to finance my efforts?”

Gore may find some relief stemming from the “sequester” debate. Ditka polling conducted an independent survey finding that citizens, especially young people, are fascinated with the word “sequester.”

“Similar to ‘fracking,’ the word ‘sequester’ is also a fun word to say,” according to Ditka. “It’s often used in the bedroom, and decorum prevents me from elaborating. We are also seeing a number of newborn females named ‘Sequester,’ especially in the southern and New England states. There is a very good chance it may make the top ten list of names for 2013.”

The popularity of the words could have a permanent impact on society. Purdue University’s School of Engineering is considering formation of a separate institution dedicated to its hydraulic fracturing program, to be known as Frack University (FU) or Frack U for short.  But if the Obama administration has its way, the sequester will be used to say “Frack you” to the new school.