Tag Archive for Schmuck Weekly

Rev. Jesse Jackson: No longer Camera Hog in Chief

It is not a good time to be the Rev. Jesse Jackson. Over the past few years your world has slowly crumbled. Besides losing first black president honors to Bill Clinton and Rev. Al Sharpton having a cable news program – viewed by thousands of travelers stuck in bedbug-infested hotel rooms across America – your life overall is falling apart.

But even with the recent guilty plea by your son and daughter-in-law – each looking to share a cell with (insert Illinois politician of choice) – you’ve been replaced in the position you’ve treasured most for over four decades. No longer are you “Camera Hog in Chief.”

“For decades the camera lens and I had a love affair hotter than any extramarital affair I myself or my soon-to-be convict son ever had,” lamented Rev. Jackson. “Whenever there was a hostage crisis overseas, a union strike garnering national attention or a Free Palestine Party, yours truly was the one that made sweet love to the camera.”

But on Sunday evening the final nail in the coffin of Rev. Jackson’s hogging career hammered it shut. In front of a worldwide audience, Hollywood went the extra mile at the Academy Awards and brought out First Lady Michelle Obama to present the Oscar for Best Motion Picture. Quicker than the Iranian government could photoshop sleeves on the world’s most desired arms, Jackson realized that he had lost his “Camera Hog in Chief” title.

“I won’t lie – I was devastated,” said Jackson. “Even when I was calling Jews “Hymie” and refusing to denounce Minister Farrakhan’s decades of anti-Semitism, my kosher brothers and sisters in Hollywood stood by me. Today they have severed our relationship and found another lover.”

Jackson’s conclusion is warranted. For a number of years the First Lady has been a staple on daytime talk shows and late-night television. Last week the signs became clear that she was the new Hollywood darling as her appearance on “Late night with Jimmy Fallon” rose to the next level with her participation in a dance skit that continues to scare children across the globe.

Some media experts believe that Jackson putting himself in the same category as the First Lady reveals a complete misunderstanding of his role as “Camera Hog in Chief.”

“Jesse Jackson was a true ‘Camera Hog’ – a spotlight-seeking opportunist without precedent in our nation,” said Chicago Media critic Brett Grabowski. “Sure, the reverend read Green Eggs and Ham on Saturday Night Live, but his camera career was based on hogging the spotlight when the story wasn’t about him – not providing entertainment or a public service. It was strictly about Jesse.”

Grabowski continued, “If Mrs. Obama had been unable to perform her duties at the Academy Awards, they would have found someone else to present the Oscar. That kid who played “Urkel” in the 90s sitcom Family Matters was available, as well as the one guy from Milli Vanilli who hadn’t killed himself.”

Post Office guarantees customers won’t get laid

Americans love to look good. As a society we are very particular about our clothes – designers – whose style and reputation are a reflection of who we are as individuals. So nothing says I’m slow, tardy, boring and don’t do shit on weekends like sporting gear from the United States Postal Service.

This past week the USPS announced plans to launch a new line of all-weather apparel and accessories that is sure to guarantee that customers wearing the “cutting edge of functional fashion” won’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of having sex ever again. Dolce & Gabbana co-creator Stefano Gabbana went as far as to say, “If society is looking to guarantee someone stay a virgin by offering the ultimate turn-off to the opposite sex – wearing clothes that scream, Is that a stamp in your pants or are you just happy to see me? – that day has arrived.”  The line has received the official endorsement of the Catholic Archdiocese as a permissible form of birth control.

Isaac Crawford, CEO of Wahconah Group, Inc., offers a much different perspective. In a recent interview with ABC News, Crawford addressed the two sides of the clothing line:  “One side represents the legacy, the romanticism of the postal service, the idea that they started the same time that the country did.”

Schmuck Weekly’s Analysis & Hacking Of Laughable Excrement department (A*HOLE), in conjunction with the Ditka Polling Company, surveyed 300 college cheerleaders to see if the “romanticism of the postal service” would make them more or less attracted to men wearing USPS gear.

17% said they would consider it if he could do their math and science homework.

67% said they would rather be dead.

16% began stabbing themselves in the eye once they heard the question.

The survey also asked 300 college basketball players if they would consider dating a woman wearing USPS apparel.

91% said yes, as long as she has big boobs.

4% snapped their finger and said, “no way, Girlfriend.”

5% said yes, as long has she has really big boobs.

A*HOLE determined that men would be better off investing in an online Nigerian banking opportunity than buying anything related to the USPS line. There was limited impact on women regarding the opinion of the opposite sex; however, their female peers would refuse to be seen with them in public.

The virgin and bitch-slap lines of apparel from the USPS are due just in time to ruin Valentine’s Day 2014.