Tag Archive for Schmuck

President Carter angry over Tsarnaev medical care

Former President Jimmy Carter is publicly condemning the treatment of alleged Boston bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. The 39th occupant of the Oval Office is displeased that Tsarnaev, a Muslim, is being detained at a Jewish hospital that has the word “Israel” in its name.

 “It’s a shame that a Muslim is being forced to receive medical care by some of the finest Jewish doctors in the world,” said Carter. “It’s inhumane that Dzhokhar has to recover in a building associated with Israel.  Fortunately, however, he will not be forced to leave a tip since he has already been circumcised.”  The alleged terrorist is recovering at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston. The alleged hotbed of Zionist hostilities serves as the main teaching facility for the Harvard Medical School. Numerous Progressive organizations and Hollywood activists are joining Mr. Carter in their call to have Tsarnaev rescued from arguably the finest hospital in the United States. 

Alarmed by Tsarnaev’s request to speak to a rabbi, the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) has filed an injunction against the hospital to prevent Tsarnaev from receiving any further transfusions of Jewish blood.

“The superior medical care Dzhokhar is receiving serves as another example of the United States doing Israel’s dirty work,” said Code Pink spokesperson Ima Betch. “We will not sit idly by as this young man is shamed by the fact that his life is being saved by Jewish doctors and the Zionist money that funds this despicable life-saving institution.”

Former President Jimmy Carter is the inspiration for Schmuck Weekly.

Former President Jimmy Carter is the inspiration for Schmuck Weekly.

Carter and Code Pink were joined at a press conference by U.S. Representatives Keith Ellison (MN) and Sheila Jackson Lee (TX), who recently co-sponsored the pending backpack registry legislation. Also joining the list of schmucks was Hollywood director and buffet aficionado Michael Moore, as well as Venezuela’s newest citizens, Danny Glover and Sean Penn.

Carter addressed the press conference accompanied by representatives from MSNBC, New York Times, Al Jazeera and Alex Jones.

“Israel’s apartheid has made its way to the United States,” Carter told a crowd of six. “It’s bad enough the Jewish state offers the finest medical care in the world to Palestinians and Arab Israelis. Now they have infiltrated our medical institutions – bringing the same humanitarian ideals to hospitals managed and financed by Jews.”

Carter continued, “Today, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev owes his life to a Jewish medical institution. The shame he will live with is unbearable. Federal authorities should have been courteous enough to find a Saudi or Pakistani doctor to treat Dzhokhar at a facility that didn’t have a mezuzah on every doorpost or a Star of David over each bed. The world is watching, and what they see is a nation conspiring with Israel to offer the finest medical care to our enemies. For shame!

Nanny Bloomberg wins 2013 Schmuck of the year so far

Earlier today the conclave of Schmuck Weekly staffers gathered in a smoke-filled room to tally up the votes for 2013 Schmuck of the year so far. We considered the results from the online poll, Facebook page and emails submitted by readers. As we gathered with our 32-ounce cups of sugar-laden soda and legally purchased firearms, it was obvious before the count was finalized who the biggest schmuck of 2013 is.

With just over 51 percent of the total vote, Schmuck Weekly extends a heartfelt “Mazel Tov” to New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg – winner of the 2013 Schmuck of the year so far.

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“Only in America could an elitist billionaire, a true schmuck, wake up one morning and say to himself, ‘I think I’m going to outlaw Coca-Cola, because I can manage people’s lives better than they can,’ ” remarked Schmuck Weekly publisher Paulie. “Nanny Bloomberg truly exemplifies what it means to be a schmuck, and we offer him our congratulations.”

Finishing in second place was the comedy team of President Barack Obama and Speaker John Boehner. Their inept leadership earned them enough votes to qualify for second place. Better luck next time. Surprising third place finisher was Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel. His nomination hearings validated the public’s perception that most politicians are mentally challenged. Bringing up the rear were the “enlarged prostate twins” Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham, who tend to deserve schmuck honors every time they open up their mouths. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu finished a distant fifth. His recent ass-kissing of Turkey earned him a surprising nomination and raised concerns that his body may have been infiltrated by the ghost of Neville Chamberlain. The Schmuck staff regrets that Bibi didn’t tell  Turkey to stuff it, but wishes him well nevertheless.

Mayor Bloomberg’s victory earned him a nomination in the 2013 Schmuck of the year awards. More schmuck winners will rise to the surface, or rather sink to the bottom, every quarter, so keep reading and opining, and tell your friends about the best political and popular culture satire on that internet thingy.

2013 Schmuck of the year so far nominees

Schmuck Weekly is proud, more like ashamed, to announce the 2013 Schmuck of the year so far nominees. Readers were asked to submit the name of the individual they feel truly met the definition of “Schmuck” during the first quarter of 2013. We received the names of politicians, Hollywood celebrities, world leaders and many groups and combinations of individuals. Most submissions included rationales, so the Schmuck Weekly staff made the decision to take into the account the reasons individuals cited for their favorite Schmuck (s).

Your 2013 Schmuck of the year so far nominees are (no particular order):

1.      Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu

Kissing Turkey’s ass isn’t going over well with supporters of the Jewish State.

2.      New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg

America’s Nanny is as popular as a fat chick with facial hair and a cold sore.

3.      Republican Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham

Readers fear the enlarged prostates of these GOP dinosaurs.

4.      Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel

After his confirmation hearing most Americans are convinced he takes a short yellow bus to work and leaves 15 minutes before everyone else.

5.      President Barack Obama and Speaker John Boehner

These two are about as likely to create economic growth as the Muslim Brotherhood advocating for gay rights.

 

What are you waiting for? Go cast your vote for the 2013 Schmuck of the year so far.

Who is the biggest “Schmuck” of 2013 so far?

We are taking nominations for our first Schmuck of the month poll. In honor of March Madness, we are expanding the nominees to include anyone who you think has behaved like a schmuck the first part of 2013. Please submit your nominee on the Schmuck Weekly Facebook page or email: paulie@schmuckweekly.com with your biggest “Schmuck” of 2013 so far.

Finalists will be announced on Thursday.

So many schmucks, so little time.

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Schmuck Weekly Publisher

 

Obama in Israel or some place that reminds him of a deli

Trying to reassure Israelis of his strong resolve in preventing Iran from building a bomb, President Obama told Israel’s Channel 2 today that he was not going to let Iran produce a nuclear device in the next two years.  “I had to draw a line in the sand,” Obama stated.  “Netanyahu is rushing things.  I disagree with his timetable.  So, I had to let Iran know that BHO is in the hizzy and I mean business.  Two years.  That’s it.  I’m on the record.”

President Obama continued, “I’m no Hillary Clinton, running around the tarmac in Bosnia, dodging imaginary bullets. I’m for real. Don’t mess with me, I’m from Chicago.  You bust my timetable; I’ll  have Rahm bust your knee-caps.  You know, the Chicago Way!”

“Well, what do you mean by two years?”  The Channel 2 reporter inquired.

President Obama avoided going to Israel his first term thinking eating corned beef at Manny's was good enough.

President Obama avoided going to Israel his first term thinking eating corned beef at Manny’s was good enough.

“You know, two, greater than one and less than three.  Isn’t that clear?”

“Well, not exactly.  What if they take your timetable literally and just postpone the completion of a nuclear device a few months after your deadline or just a year or two later? Can Israel afford to wait?”

“That would be four years, so it won’t be my problem; it will be Michelle’s. So, I don’t want to intrude on Michelle’s decision making.  That’s not my call.  Michelle has her own way of doing things.”

“Do I understand you to say that Mrs. Obama is going to run for president in 2016?”

“Of course she is.  What – You think we could trust Biden to be president?  Did you see how quickly I had his ass shipped to Rome for the pope’s installation? I have my staff working nonstop to try and keep him there. I think we will have him stop in Cyprus to open up a few bank accounts for our country.”

As Schmuck Weekly reported last week, Catholics in the United States greatly feared that the vice president would embarrass our nation by saying something stupid. It appears that may have happened in private.

“Joe and I discussed gay marriage before his trip to Rome,” said Mr. Obama. “He told me the pope can’t possibly be close-minded to homosexuals marrying. ‘When I go to Rome,’ he declared, ‘I’m going to lobby him.’ And then he looks at me with a straight face and says, ‘You know, the church could start by letting some of these pedophiles marry each other.  That would calm things down.’

“Can you imagine?  We’re still recovering from the shotgun statement.  You know, get women to shoot shotguns instead of AR-15s.  Some gun organization put up You Tube videos of women being thrown back by shooting twelve-gauges.  I thought some of them must have pissed in their panties, the recoil was so fierce.  Everyone is laughing, except my press office.”

“So, is that why you want Michelle to run?”

“Hell no, I want Michelle to move back to Hawaii, hang out on the beach, and smoke weed with me like I did in college. But she has a mind of her own.”

“So, it’s her idea?”

“Yeah, Biden is out and that leaves Hillary.  Michelle can’t stand that drama queen.  The idea of Hillary coming in here, redecorating and changing the china patterns, it’s too much for Michelle. And you’d never see any of that really great black talent entertaining in the White House.  She and Bill would probably have some of that country-hillbilly music out of Arkansas instead.  It isn’t going to happen!  We’ve come too far to turn this place over to someone who spent her most formative social years in the culture of Little Rock.  Do you know, when Hillary decorated the governor’s mansion, Better Homes and Gardens said that it looked like something out of the “Beverly Hillbillies”? I will protect our great nation against the likes of Hillary turning the White House into glorified Hooters.”

“Now, Mr. President, with all due respect, the Clintons hosted some really great popular music events.  How do you explain that?”

“In a word, Monica.”

“What, Lewinsky?”

“Yes, Monica could not only blow a mean flute, but she knew who in Hollywood was worth inviting to jam in the Oval Office.”

“Well, Mr. President, we’ve digressed from the Iran problem.  Let me ask you this:  What would Michelle do as president to keep Iran from getting the bomb?”

“Like everyone, you’ve seen Michelle’s triceps.  That girl has muscle.  She’d walk over to Ahmadinejad – that dwarf – and punch his lights out so hard he’d think he got hit by an Israeli preemptive strike – which I of course don’t support.”

Catholics fear Biden’s trip to Rome

Whether he is downplaying the severity of abusing women with a “garden-variety slap across the face,” or telling a crowd of African Americans that Republicans are “going to put y’all back in chains,” Vice President Joe Biden can always be counted on to say something inappropriate and offensive at the worst possible moment. For this reason Catholics across the United States are voicing their concerns that Mr. Biden will be representing our nation at the upcoming installation of Pope Francis in Rome.

“What genius thought it was a good idea to send Joe Biden to Rome for this holy moment?” quipped Catholic League spokesman Patrick Daley. “I would be more comfortable sending a football coach with Tourette syndrome to meet the Holy Father than a complete idiot.”

Vice President Joe Biden explains to a crowd why he is mentally challenged.

Vice President Joe Biden explains to a crowd why he is mentally challenged.

Some in the Catholic community believe the decision to send Biden to Rome is part of a larger plan – conspiracy – to embarrass church leaders who have voiced their concerns regarding Obamacare.

“Nobody in their right mind would send a buffoon to this milestone moment in history unless there was an agenda attached to the decision,” asserted Chicago Catholic Richard Callahan. “This was going to be a wonderful St. Patrick’s Day, but instead of enjoying lively spirits, Catholics will be drinking heavily to drown their fears over the debacle that will be unleashed in Rome.”

A member of President Obama’s “social welfare” organization Organizing for America, speaking on condition of anonymity, told Schmuck Weekly, “If we believed in God we’d be praying for the vice president to f*ck up. After the installation we are going to start our new fundraising campaign ‘Shut Crazy Uncle Joe Up!’”

The spokesman continued, “We are going to sell T-shirts, bumper stickers, mugs and our featured product will be a Crazy Uncle Joe muzzle. Conservatives don’t know how to turn lemons into Limoncello – We do!”

Who’d Figure: Bob Woodward exposing White House lies

Two Presidents who are not fond of Bob Woodward.

Two Presidents who are not fond of Bob Woodward.

Crazy right-wing “journalist” Bob Woodward is at it again. The Washington Post reporter who,  with the help of some Jewish guy whose name escapes me, took down the Nixon administration nearly forty years ago, is using his conservative agenda to embarrass President Barack Obama.

Woodward has been on the forefront of clarifying that the sequestration idea came from the White House, that the president personally approved the plan and later signed it into law. The veteran Washington Post reporter is resorting to a ploy that many of today’s journalists aren’t familiar with – facts.

“Of course Bob Woodward has the facts on his side. He is a real – old guard – reporter,” said White House press secretary James Carney. “But the administration doesn’t work with facts and neither does anyone else in Washington. Mr. Woodward is from a school of thought that no longer exists.”

Woodward’s Journalism 101 tactics were exposed in October 2012 when he revealed in his book “The Price of Politics” that he actually got his information from senior White House officials Jack Lew, Director of the Office of Management and Budget; and Rob Nabors, Director of Legislative Affairs (no relation to Gomer Pyle). Lew and Nabors took the proposal to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid who presented it to Congress.

According to Media Matters Press Secretary Jess Levin, “Woodward is engaging in the outdated practices of research and investigative journalism. Real journalists understand that what matters is promoting Progressive ideals and the cause of centralization. The truth is a moot point, so the only logical conclusion is that Woodward is a racist.”

In an interview with CNN, Woodward said he was threatened by an anonymous senior Obama adviser by the name of Gene Sperling, Director of the National Economic Council at the White House, that he would “regret” writing an article arguing that Obama had “moved the goalposts” in negotiations over how to reduce our nation’s $845 billion budget deficit.

Incredulous that the administration would ever bully anyone, the CNN host became violently ill. Schmuck Weekly cannot confirm, but when it was revealed that former Clinton administration senior advisor Lanny Davis also received threats from the Obama White House, the aforementioned host reportedly imploded inside a New York City deli. Details remain sketchy and messy.

Schmuck Weekly will continue to update this story as the racist, right-wing extremist Woodward perseveres in his fact-driven crusade for the truth.

Go “Frack” Yourself!

As the debate over hydraulic fracturing (fracking) continues to make headlines across the country, a recent poll conducted by Schmuck Weekly’s Analysis & Hacking Of Laughable Excrement department (A*HOLE) in conjunction with the Ditka Polling Company surveyed 800 likely voters on how they perceive the issue.

“The results are shocking,” observed pollster Michael Ditka. “People have no opinion about fracking – they are clueless about the debate. The average schmuck on the street just likes saying the word.”

Ninety-one percent of likely voters offered no opinion about the issue.  Five percent thought that hydraulic fracturing referred to a bone injury sustained while bathing or swimming. The remaining four percent being a moot point, A*HOLE added an additional polling question:

“Do you just like saying the word “fracking”?

Ninety-five percent of all respondents admitted enjoying saying the word “fracking.” Even the six percent of respondents who support the idea of hydraulic fracturing indicated that they love to debate the issue just for the opportunity to say “fracking.”

The three percent opposed to the procedure, when asked the question about enjoyment from simply uttering the word, told the interviewer to “go frack himself.”

“This is very concerning,” said environmentalist and Schmuck Weekly inspiration Al Gore. Speaking from his private jet enroute to Qatar, Gore told an A*HOLE investigator, “Americans are fracking stupid about the environment. Fracking isn’t a fracking joke. It’s about cheaper gasoline, providing well-paying jobs and obstructing my funding from Arab oil empires. How will I be able to save the planet if I don’t have oil money to finance my efforts?”

Gore may find some relief stemming from the “sequester” debate. Ditka polling conducted an independent survey finding that citizens, especially young people, are fascinated with the word “sequester.”

“Similar to ‘fracking,’ the word ‘sequester’ is also a fun word to say,” according to Ditka. “It’s often used in the bedroom, and decorum prevents me from elaborating. We are also seeing a number of newborn females named ‘Sequester,’ especially in the southern and New England states. There is a very good chance it may make the top ten list of names for 2013.”

The popularity of the words could have a permanent impact on society. Purdue University’s School of Engineering is considering formation of a separate institution dedicated to its hydraulic fracturing program, to be known as Frack University (FU) or Frack U for short.  But if the Obama administration has its way, the sequester will be used to say “Frack you” to the new school.

 

Rev. Jesse Jackson: No longer Camera Hog in Chief

It is not a good time to be the Rev. Jesse Jackson. Over the past few years your world has slowly crumbled. Besides losing first black president honors to Bill Clinton and Rev. Al Sharpton having a cable news program – viewed by thousands of travelers stuck in bedbug-infested hotel rooms across America – your life overall is falling apart.

But even with the recent guilty plea by your son and daughter-in-law – each looking to share a cell with (insert Illinois politician of choice) – you’ve been replaced in the position you’ve treasured most for over four decades. No longer are you “Camera Hog in Chief.”

“For decades the camera lens and I had a love affair hotter than any extramarital affair I myself or my soon-to-be convict son ever had,” lamented Rev. Jackson. “Whenever there was a hostage crisis overseas, a union strike garnering national attention or a Free Palestine Party, yours truly was the one that made sweet love to the camera.”

But on Sunday evening the final nail in the coffin of Rev. Jackson’s hogging career hammered it shut. In front of a worldwide audience, Hollywood went the extra mile at the Academy Awards and brought out First Lady Michelle Obama to present the Oscar for Best Motion Picture. Quicker than the Iranian government could photoshop sleeves on the world’s most desired arms, Jackson realized that he had lost his “Camera Hog in Chief” title.

“I won’t lie – I was devastated,” said Jackson. “Even when I was calling Jews “Hymie” and refusing to denounce Minister Farrakhan’s decades of anti-Semitism, my kosher brothers and sisters in Hollywood stood by me. Today they have severed our relationship and found another lover.”

Jackson’s conclusion is warranted. For a number of years the First Lady has been a staple on daytime talk shows and late-night television. Last week the signs became clear that she was the new Hollywood darling as her appearance on “Late night with Jimmy Fallon” rose to the next level with her participation in a dance skit that continues to scare children across the globe.

Some media experts believe that Jackson putting himself in the same category as the First Lady reveals a complete misunderstanding of his role as “Camera Hog in Chief.”

“Jesse Jackson was a true ‘Camera Hog’ – a spotlight-seeking opportunist without precedent in our nation,” said Chicago Media critic Brett Grabowski. “Sure, the reverend read Green Eggs and Ham on Saturday Night Live, but his camera career was based on hogging the spotlight when the story wasn’t about him – not providing entertainment or a public service. It was strictly about Jesse.”

Grabowski continued, “If Mrs. Obama had been unable to perform her duties at the Academy Awards, they would have found someone else to present the Oscar. That kid who played “Urkel” in the 90s sitcom Family Matters was available, as well as the one guy from Milli Vanilli who hadn’t killed himself.”

Post Office guarantees customers won’t get laid

Americans love to look good. As a society we are very particular about our clothes – designers – whose style and reputation are a reflection of who we are as individuals. So nothing says I’m slow, tardy, boring and don’t do shit on weekends like sporting gear from the United States Postal Service.

This past week the USPS announced plans to launch a new line of all-weather apparel and accessories that is sure to guarantee that customers wearing the “cutting edge of functional fashion” won’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of having sex ever again. Dolce & Gabbana co-creator Stefano Gabbana went as far as to say, “If society is looking to guarantee someone stay a virgin by offering the ultimate turn-off to the opposite sex – wearing clothes that scream, Is that a stamp in your pants or are you just happy to see me? – that day has arrived.”  The line has received the official endorsement of the Catholic Archdiocese as a permissible form of birth control.

Isaac Crawford, CEO of Wahconah Group, Inc., offers a much different perspective. In a recent interview with ABC News, Crawford addressed the two sides of the clothing line:  “One side represents the legacy, the romanticism of the postal service, the idea that they started the same time that the country did.”

Schmuck Weekly’s Analysis & Hacking Of Laughable Excrement department (A*HOLE), in conjunction with the Ditka Polling Company, surveyed 300 college cheerleaders to see if the “romanticism of the postal service” would make them more or less attracted to men wearing USPS gear.

17% said they would consider it if he could do their math and science homework.

67% said they would rather be dead.

16% began stabbing themselves in the eye once they heard the question.

The survey also asked 300 college basketball players if they would consider dating a woman wearing USPS apparel.

91% said yes, as long as she has big boobs.

4% snapped their finger and said, “no way, Girlfriend.”

5% said yes, as long has she has really big boobs.

A*HOLE determined that men would be better off investing in an online Nigerian banking opportunity than buying anything related to the USPS line. There was limited impact on women regarding the opinion of the opposite sex; however, their female peers would refuse to be seen with them in public.

The virgin and bitch-slap lines of apparel from the USPS are due just in time to ruin Valentine’s Day 2014.