Tag Archive for Schmuck

Gay rights group fights marriage equality

Chicago – A growing minority in the homosexual community have taken a position on gay marriage that is causing a hissy fit amongst Progressive activists and Humanistic churches in Chicago, San Francisco and Washington D.C. Gays Against Gay Marriage (GAGM) is a new non-profit organization created by homosexual activists who disagree with the idea that gay marriage must be recognized by the government.

“If I want government in my bedroom I can attend the Republicans National Convention and hook up with numerous elected officials or presidential candidates,” said GAGM spokesman, Bruce Weiner. “I thought the whole idea behind gay pride was the freedom to live our lives free of persecution and the need to be recognized by a bunch of closeted hypocrites. Suddenly we want our lifestyle recognized by the government. What am I missing?”

GAGM has found a strange bedfellow in the traditional marriage organization Friends Against Gay Marriage (FAGM). The Salt Lake City based group has raised over $1 million dollars for GAGM in hopes they can help gag pro-gay marriage voices. FAGM intends to cough up more funds for GAGM on the back-end of the upcoming political cycle.

Opposing GAGM and their backers is a new initiative supported and funded by former President Bill Clinton’s Clinton Foundation. The Alliance for Marriage Equality believes that sexual orientation plays no role in who can and cannot get married.

“Why should only straight-people have to suffer,” said a foundation spokesman who asked to remain anonymous. “If homosexuals want to be chained at the hip to an angry cold-hearted spouse who only says ‘are you done yet’ during sex, then they should endure the same pain as heterosexuals.”

The spokesman continued, “Marriage equality is the civil rights issue of this century. If straight folks are pressured to forgo their fame and popularity – forced to turn down the advances of a 19-year old intern – because our sexually corrupt society demands its – then gays must abide by the same rules of morality.”

Illinois Democrats: We need prison preparedness classes

Illinois Governor Pat Quinn is considering a proposal by House Speaker Michael Madigan to implement a prison preparedness class for all Federal, State and County level elected officials. Democrats from Cook County are lining up to sponsor the legislation.

“Let’s face facts. Chances are high that we will get caught behaving like Cook County Democrats and will be serving time in a minimum or medium security facility in Colorado or Minnesota,” said Rep. Elaine Nekritz (D-Northbrook). “My colleagues and I just want to be ready when the inevitable happens.”

Last week, news broke that former Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. had accepted a plea deal that includes prison time. His wife, former Chicago Alderman Sandi Jackson, is also under investigation. Political corruption being a family affair in the Land of Lincoln, is family-based training a possibility?

Speaker Madigan informed Schmuck Weekly that family is his top priority, especially his own, and that is why “I have asked Patricia Mell-Blago, wife of impeached governor and current Colorado prison-bitch Rod Blagojevich, to help author the legislation as well as develop the curriculum.”

Madigan hinted that the legislation could be named after his favorite Illinois felons and would be mandatory for Federal, State and County elected officials regardless of party affiliation. The Rostenkowski-Ryan-Walker bill could be law by year’s end.

Schmuck Note: SW attempted to contact the Illinois GOP for comment, but their phone line was disconnected due to failure to pay the bill.